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snafu October 16th, 2011 07:05 PM

Bank of Snafu
 
As I've said before I refuse to "float" ex money anymore (due to the fact that I have to ask for it back over a week later and its not been sent - when he's said he'd mail a check as soon as he gets home)

When DS got school picts. the notice was sent home on a Monday night - I would have needed a check no later than Thurs - arriving Friday was not an option - as ex isn't prompt about getting the check in the mail - I didn't bother telling him.

Now DS is selling candy for a fund raiser :rolleyes: - he called his dad and I said ex needed to send the check ASAP, DH - who I've told I'm not putting up any $$ for ex, told DS to let ex know that he (DH) would pay & ex could just send him a check. :eek:

I wrote a check to cover the candy I wanted - DH hasn't written a check to cover his or ex's -

considering how POed "fronting" money to ex makes me - am I being totally unreasonable to refuse to write the check to cover ex's stuff?

I honestly don't think DH gets it...

Mrs X October 16th, 2011 09:25 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Does your DH think you are making your DS the meat in the "Bank of Snafu" sandwich though?

I've found it only pays to have those conversations if you are happy to hear something similar. :eek:

LucyVanPelt October 17th, 2011 04:18 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Two things--

1) On the surface-- I'd probably just send ex a pic of DS and I'd probably encourage DS to require payment at time of sale. It's good for him to learn this practice himself AND it keeps the issue of candy sales between DS and his DF; you are not in the middle of it.

2)
Quote:

DH - who I've told I'm not putting up any $$ for ex, told DS to let ex know that he (DH) would pay & ex could just send him a check.
This is a symptom of a deeper conflict between you and your current DH. :mad:

snafu October 17th, 2011 04:38 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
I didn't buy picts this year - the school had a new company and you had to prepay rather than see the picts, then buy what you want


DS was told by me - to ask his DF for the $; DH thinks that ex won't jerk him around (about paying)


- a little while after I posted I took the joint checkbook to DH along with the order form...DH wrote out the check

snafu October 17th, 2011 07:42 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs X (Post 45235)
Does your DH think you are making your DS the meat in the "Bank of Snafu" sandwich though?


yeah - I think DH felt that I was putting DS in the middle


but now I'm pizzed/irritated because I don't think ex will send the $ and DH won't follow thru on askeing for it - I need to stop borrowing trouble

KayKay October 17th, 2011 04:04 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Then XH doesn't get the candy. :)

FWIW, I think your DH did an admirable thing. I understand the problems that you have with ex, but those are grown-up problems and I feel for your DS being put in the middle. (he should've handled the upfront payments from your XH without you... if XH didn't get the money to him in time, DS doesn't submit his order.) I also think your DH is correct that he'll have an easier time getting the $ from XH than you would.

Worst case scenario, XH doesn't pay and you and DH spent more money on fundraiser candy than you would have otherwise. That's not the worst thing in the world. Hmmm. I think I know what your DS should give XH for Christmas. ;)

snafu October 17th, 2011 04:35 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
LOL Kaykay-

as ex was adopted, it was important to me that ex & DS have a good relationship. (and that DS never felt torn between us- due to something I'd done)

Orginally, I had DS get ex presents for his dad - ex would send them back OR give them to my ex ILs - I don't know that ex would eat/keep the candy & I really don't want to pay for a gift that he gives to someone else (hummmm... there are sour gumballs at the store)

snafu October 21st, 2011 05:34 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
when ex picked up DS tonight he said "Oh yeah, I've got to pay for that. I'll bring a check Sunday."
http://www.cool-smileys.com/images/2066.gif



whatever :rolleyes: not snafu's problem/issue :cool:

snafu October 27th, 2011 05:23 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
mini pseudo update - as far as I know, ex didn't give DS a check to bring back ... DH has said that he needs to call ex himself


whatever :rolleyes:

the Bank of Snafu closed, the Bank of Paladin has taken over

LucyVanPelt October 28th, 2011 04:20 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by snafu (Post 45672)

the Bank of Snafu closed, the Bank of Paladin has taken over

Exactly! Just don't bail him out! ;)

snafu November 15th, 2011 05:04 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Its been a month - ex hasn't paid. I haven't said anything & the one time that DH said something I told him I wasn't involved - he needed to talk to ex himself :cool:.

snafu November 16th, 2011 01:35 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
:rofl::rolleyes: oh - the irony :p:rolleyes: the candy came in today (after I posted an update yesterday)

snafu November 18th, 2011 03:02 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
:o:rolleyes:


Turns out DS had the $ from ex - he got it from his dad 2 weeks ago; but neglected/forgot to take it out of his bag ... until last night, when he was packing to go back to his dad's :rolleyes:

KayKay November 18th, 2011 04:01 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
:rofl:

Whoops!

mum of three November 19th, 2011 12:42 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
That is just so like kids :D

Glad your DH got his money back

snafu November 28th, 2011 06:42 PM

spine of steel or beyond "witch"
 
:(:(:(

ex discovered tonight the "Bank of Snafu" is closed - and I feel/felt like a heel.

DS didn't have school today - long turkey day weekend/ex's holiday

we met tonight & after DS switched all his stuff from his dad's car to mine, ex asked if he could borrow $20 for gas - he'd paid all his bills today & his debit card wouldn't allow anything above his limit - I told him I didn't have the cash (had to repeate myself a few times) - then I left.


I left ex an hour away from the town he lives in - he had to contact someone else to help him out.

DS & I talked about it on the way home .... about the fact that, in the past, when I'd loaned his dad money for school pictures, covered the restaraunt bill, etc... I had to keep asking his dad for the $ and it made me feel bad/I'd get sick to my stomic. I was trying to do what was best for me, rather than making other people happy and myself miserible. I told DS that I felt bad right now, but I don't know how I'll feel about it a month from now.

LucyVanPelt November 29th, 2011 04:11 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
It's a shame that your DS had to be privy to that conversation. :(

On the bright side, saying no gets easier.

snafu November 29th, 2011 04:23 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Lucy - ITA, but when ex asked DS heard :( and suggested that I give/loan his dad my gas money - DH & I keep "gas cash" on us (there's a gas station that gives a discount for cash :))

I think he should have asked to talk to me privately, not if front of DS. I know it had to be hard for him to ask - and I feel bad for him, but I didn't want to stress myself anymore...

Mrs X November 29th, 2011 09:45 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
I suspect ex knew/sensed the Bank of Snafu is closing, and deliberately asked in front of your boy so that you would be more likely to say yes. :( - Glad you had the opportunity to talk to your DS about it though.

snafu November 30th, 2011 07:13 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
:rolleyes::rofl::rolleyes:

Ya'll are gona love what I discovered last night... I'm laughing about it :cool:


DS got a new fund raiser before Thanksgiving & took it with him to his dad's (any guesses where this is going...:p:rolleyes:)

Anyway- ex's "friend" has ordered something... but there's no $$/check - according to DS his dad said he'd pay for it, but didn't send a payment :rolleyes:. I'm not dealing with it :cool:.

LucyVanPelt December 1st, 2011 04:19 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Cash must accompany orders for our school fund raisers. Do you have that same rule?

KayKay December 1st, 2011 07:11 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Yeah, don't deal with it, snafu. Don't come to DS's rescue or let your DH come to his rescue either. You might want to discuss this with your DH up-front so that he's not unexpectedly put in a position where his big heart wants to help DS. Tell DS that the order needs to have the $$ submitted with it and he'd better get it from his dad or his dad's friend up front or the school won't accept the order.

snafu December 1st, 2011 07:10 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
I actually had a talk with DH this morning - to keep it short, here's the gist

- I wasn't willing to cover ex or his friends
- my stress/frustration was high, & I didn't like it
- when I'd tried to stop it, you (DH) made the offer to cover, was he extending it to ex's friends?
- DH now says he has enough of his own resposibilities and doesn't want to deal with it/is not going to involve himself anymore


I emailed Mr. Band Teacher - $$ is due tomorrow (I wonder if he said anything to his classes)

ex came to town for school event that DS was in tonight, when he called to let us know he was on his way, DS told him that he needed the $ & that it was due tomorrow (I wasn't home - I had errands)

ex paid for both his & "friend's" orders :cool:

KayKay December 1st, 2011 08:54 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
:clap:

LucyVanPelt December 2nd, 2011 03:52 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
That's great!

snafu May 17th, 2012 04:56 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
:twocents::devil:

sigh - yearbook order forms have come home and I've ordered one for home. DS wants me to order on for his dad ... I've told him "no" repeatedly. :(:cool:

DS keeps saying he's forgotten to tell his dad - oh well. Tonight DS said it was his fault :( that his dad's repayment was lated the last time as he'd forgotten the check in his travle bag (from when DH had covered for ex). That's not how I remember it, ex was late & DS misplacing it made it even later.


The Bank of Snafu is c.l.o.s.e.d!

snafu July 18th, 2012 11:56 AM

Re: spine of steel or beyond "witch"
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by snafu (Post 46445)
:(:(:(

ex discovered tonight the "Bank of Snafu" is closed - and I feel/felt like a heel.

....snip....

I left ex an hour away from the town he lives in - he had to contact someone else to help him out.

DS & I talked about it on the way home .... about the fact that, in the past, when I'd loaned his dad money for school pictures, covered the restaraunt bill, etc... I had to keep asking his dad for the $ and it made me feel bad/I'd get sick to my stomic. I was trying to do what was best for me, rather than making other people happy and myself miserible. I told DS that I felt bad right now, but I don't know how I'll feel about it a month from now.


I feel better about things now :) - hopefully there won't be any repeats

snafu January 10th, 2015 09:32 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
I think that DS has learned not to let his dad order stuff, he has a new order form and didn't even bother taking it to his dad's.

snafu January 10th, 2015 11:04 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
:(


I need suggestions on how to talk with DS, so that he doesn't become a "bank"

Knot2loud January 13th, 2015 12:09 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
I think you already know what to say.

Bank of SNAFU? How's 'bout a loan sweetie! http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...7&pictureid=52

snafu January 17th, 2015 03:45 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
knot - really need suggestions on how to approach it appropriately


(ex- has borrowed $ from DS in the past, most recently ex told DS that he put DS's money in DS's savings account)

Mrs X January 17th, 2015 03:51 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by snafu (Post 74556)


(ex- has borrowed $ from DS in the past, most recently ex told DS that he put DS's money in DS's savings account)

Do you mean your ex lied about it??? :eek::eek::eek:

Mrs X January 17th, 2015 04:06 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
You could just ask your DS if he is happy lending money to his dad, knowing it may well be a permanent loan.

Something i think you struggle with, please know your DS (16?, 17?) IS old enough to decide this for himself, you need to be able to accept the answer whatever it is before you ask.

If your DS says no, he is NOT happy to be the bank of young Mr Snafu, and hes getting sick of it too, then you can just remind him of the story here with the gas money, and how you just kept saying no, and no to the photos, the year books, everything.

Good luck!

snafu January 23rd, 2015 07:14 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Mrs. X - I don't know.


Thing is, DH & I pay DS for his grades (we did the same for DSD). After DS loaned his grade $ to his dad, most of it goes in the bank now. (I don't know if he ever got that money back)

I worry that this will develop into a life long pattern

Knot2loud January 28th, 2015 07:56 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
It could become a life long pattern.

My DD's ex-MIL would give her son $$ to give to the Gkids (B-Day Money) and he would end up keeping the money for himself. Nice guy, but he's still a turd.

I have a feeling your son will get tired of never getting paid back and will eventually stop giving him his money.

Just talk to your son about it. Ask him if he ever got paid back. It's a legitimate question out of your own concern for you son. I don't see anything wrong with you talking to your EX about it either. He should be giving his son money and not be taking it from him.

snafu August 21st, 2015 06:36 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
I'm looking for suggestions for multiple things (trying to prepare in advance, just in case)



Item 1
- DS is taking a duel credit class, I got the bill Tues & it was due Fri. I paid it and let ex know I needed his half Sunday (when I pick DS up). In the past ex wanted to treat stuff like this the same way he did medical bills, which were due 30 days after I gave him the receipt.

Item 2
- School pics are next Fri. I told ex I'd need the money Sunday as well - he could write one check (for tuition and pics) if he wanted

Item 3
- DS is section leader for his section in band - that means he's responsible for loading and unloading his sections stuff at events; therefore he can't leave early (like he did last year when his dad had plans). DS told me this. I let ex know and ex tried to ask me why/if DS couldn't leave with him after the events. I repeated that DS is the section leader and he's responsible.


For items 1 and 2, I don't want to float $$ to ex. If he suggests it, would it be appropriate to just say "No" (without JADEing) and repeat as needed.

For item 3 IF ex brings it up again - what is a good way to refer him to the band director. I had to do the same thing last year & it seems that ex wants to triangulate again - rather than talking to her himself.

LucyVanPelt August 22nd, 2015 05:25 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
#1 is a tuition bill. Do you have anything in your agreement? IMO, it's best that he pay his half directly to the school. If he doesn't pay his half, DS can address that with his DF.

#2-- if he doesn't pay for the pics, then I'd buy the smallest package I needed and let DS give him a pic if he wants.

#3, I'd stay out of it. DS can tell his father he can't leave.

In other words, drop the rope and let DS sort things out with his father now.

Mrs X August 22nd, 2015 01:37 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
Snafu, I'm concerned for your sake that you are still grappling with this.

What Lucy says is the same advice you have had over and over. There isn't really anything else to say, you must pay your bit and let DS sort out the rest.

snafu August 23rd, 2015 10:32 AM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
You guys are right - thanks I needed the kick in the backside :)

I'm still trying to rescue DS when his dad doesn't listen to him. :(

It would be best for DS to solve any problems with his dad himself, and I'll tell him that.


Tuition - I may have misunderstood when it was due - the info unclear to me .... what ever, its paid. In the future I will send a copy of any tuition statement to ex & pay my part. If ex doesn't pay his part DS will need to discuss it with him.

snafu August 25th, 2015 06:35 PM

Re: Bank of Snafu
 
ex paid no hassles :)


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