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JaydeeTas December 31st, 2015 06:36 PM

I need another opinion
Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to read.
I have been with my partner for a little over 3 years. we both have 2 boys each the exact age 16.

I have my 16 yr old 24/7. He has his son every weekend.

At the beginning of our relationship we both agreed to keep out families separate while we went through the courting stage.

3 months into it, I introduced my son. They got on like a house on fire. My children are very easy going and adaptable. They will go out without me even.

My partner however, kept his son away. This meant from Friday night to Sunday or Monday, I wouldn't see or hear from my partner. I found this very difficult as I love being with my partner and weekends are a time for leisure.

This became a constant argument for us and as a way of making things easier I moved next door to my partner.

After 3 years my partner is still not ready to live together, even though my partner stays with me 5-6 nights a week.

I see my partner on the weekends now (usually Saturday night as long as his son is out with friends) which is better, however, that barrier still exists.

Friday nights are the no go nights. He needs to spend time with his children alone..

*** Let me be clear, it's NOT the fact that he wants time alone with his son.I am ok with this. It's the "us and them" mindset that my partner has.

Even after his son goes to bed, he will not allow me next door to sleep in the same bed. we sleep in our own units.

He asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve, I said yes. I thought there was a sign he wanted to move forward. It wasn't. It still does not change the fact that he wants to keep me away from his children.

You might hear a bit of resentment from my words and I will be honest you're right. After 3 years and living next door to each other for 1.5 of those years, not rocking the boat and going along with what he wanted, you would think that we could at least attempt to being a family, even just for 1 night a week.

Right now we are on holidays and his son has come to his place so he has gone home to cook him lunch. Am I really asking too much for all of us to have lunch together?

Hi ex partner has a new partner, it is not like his son doesn't know who I am, we have crossed paths a number of times and he has always been pleasant towards me.

Am I being selfish? At times I feel like I am, but, then again, I am not asking him to not see his son, or to not see him alone. I just want to be a complete family... He believes that once his son has his license and car we will move forward. Could be 6 months, could be a year.

He is great to me. There is no reason to break up. I just want us to be in the one home and enjoying each others company, children included. I don't need to be everywhere he and his children are.

Talking to him only makes him feel pressured and he runs. How can I control this anxiety I feel. I just want to change myself and how I deal with this.

KayKay December 31st, 2015 07:22 PM

Re: I need another opinion
You say you each have two boys - are the 16yo's the older ones? (Sorry - I'm confused about the number of boys involved here).

I just don't see how you can become a complete family when his son gets his license and a car. I'm not sure I follow his logic. Is there some reason he doesn't want his son to get to know you? Is there something in his divorce decree which is punitive if he gets involved with another woman? Has he ever given you a good reason "why?"

The thing I worry about is what happens when you get married. Will you be included in "family" things (birthdays, graduations, weddings, baptisms)? I feel that the shock of his dad suddenly marrying a woman that the son hasn't had a chance to get to know would be more worrisome.

JaydeeTas December 31st, 2015 10:58 PM

Re: I need another opinion
Hi KayKay,

Sorry to confuse you. We have 2 boys each (4 in total) the eldest ones being 21 and the youngest ones being 16.

He's never given me a reason. All I get is "Blended families don't work. What's in it for my son.... nothing."

He's so worried that his son won't get his own space. A bedroom is not enough, he needs a designated area (like a rumpus) to himself. So, I don't follow his logic either.

His ex wife had a lot of influence over him when we first met, he may be dominate with me, but, he is easily manipulated by her and his son. Not so much by the ex now but, it is nothing to drop everything and just go on a phone call from his son.

Maybe he feels he needs to be a father first? Or he feels guilty if he leaves, but, that is the irony of this situation. I don't want to leave his son out of it. I want his son to be in there as well.

Right now I can bet you that his son will be in his bedroom and my partner is out in the lounge room watching tv or reading his book... Perhaps it's n excuse to get away from me? I don't know. I just feel rejected and not good enough..

KayKay December 31st, 2015 11:05 PM

Re: I need another opinion

I'm sorry for that, JaydeeTas. I doubt it's intentional on his part, but you definitely have reason to feel that way.

I really don't see a way out of your situation without laying it on the line for him. Ask him specifically how things like weddings and grandchildren will be handled? What will he expect when his son comes to visit after you are married? (and when does he expect to get married - after his son turns 18 and custody arrangements terminate?)

What about the 21 year old? What kind of relationship does he have with him, and are you included in that?

JaydeeTas December 31st, 2015 11:23 PM

Re: I need another opinion
No, I don't think it is deliberate either. I think he is scared. My partner even mentioned once that he said to the boys that we were going to buy a house, apparently they weren't fussed at all. He hasn't even told his youngest that we are engaged. :(

I don't like ultimatums, but, I have said to him that by July this year I want to buy a home. With him or without him (really hope it is with him). A lot can happen in 6 months and I am hoping that I might find a home that meets his needs. I know though that if his son chooses not to visit, my partner will resent me. I love him to pieces 99% of the time he is perfect. He can be nasty though when he gets angry verbally not physically.

We are so happy when his son is not mentioned. I don't want it to be like that. His eldest son is the same. Never see him either.

I guess i have 2 options. 1. stick it out or 2. leave. I know that if I push the subject he will end it. He has done that before.

Maybe I should give it 6 months and see if things change. When I buy my home and he's not with me, I guess I will rethink things...

I don't know what else to do.

KayKay December 31st, 2015 11:43 PM

Re: I need another opinion
And I'm not sure what to suggest, JaydeeTas. :( He is a good man and you have a good relationship. It's just this issue.

I think you have a good handle on it, for what it's worth.

There is another poster her who hopefully post soon (no pressure, snafu! :p) She has gone through heck trying to be a stepparent. I don't know what your situation will bring, but snafu was basically given NO input, NO right to parent, and NO "importance" in her family. I would really hate to see that happen to you too. :(

JaydeeTas January 1st, 2016 12:12 AM

Re: I need another opinion
Sometimes I just need to be reassured that my thinking is on the right track. I often feel I am asking too much, then I get moments like tonight where I can hear them playing soccer outside and I am in the next unit too scared to walk out and say hello .. It shouldn't be that way.

It is only me who can change things and the only thing I can change is me. It would make life so much easier if I didn't care. I want to know how I can achieve that...

Maybe, I need to say that we aren't ready for an engagement until he is ready to include me in his family... As I type this, I am saying to myself "it won't matter him, he will be fine with that. He just thought that's what I was wanting."

I don't want any "parenting rights" over his children as we parent very different. It will be an achievement just a spend a night in the same house.

I look forward to chatting to Snafu

KayKay January 1st, 2016 12:49 AM

Re: I need another opinion

Originally Posted by JaydeeTas (Post 79276)
It is only me who can change things and the only thing I can change is me. It would make life so much easier if I didn't care. I want to know how I can achieve that...

But you wouldn't want to not care. That's the Catch 22. You care about your partner. Caring about him necessarily means caring about his son. You aren't even being given that opportunity.


Originally Posted by JaydeeTas (Post 79276)
I don't want any "parenting rights" over his children as we parent very different. It will be an achievement just a spend a night in the same house.

I look forward to chatting to Snafu

Oh, JaydeeTas. You want parenting rights. If you don't have parenting rights, your partner's son (could he be considered your stepson?) will have free rein in your house. snafu is in a situation where she can't even discipline her stepdaughter's dog when it comes over (she now has a scar to prove it) . You need to be able to say "No" to things that aren't acceptable to you.

JaydeeTas January 1st, 2016 01:03 AM

Re: I need another opinion
Maybe that's the issue! OMG why didn't I see this before.

That is why he won't move forward.

We have had brief discussions in regards to our children and what we allow and disallow.

My son has his Learners with his bike, he works a McDonalds 25-38 hours a week. He respects me enough to not touch things that don't belong to him i.e. my car keys etc. I don't allow drinking unless he is at home in which case I will allow him a glass of light beer (special occasions only).. I keep a watchful leash on my son.

His son....

Same age as mentioned before. Uses his father's unit as a party pad whenever he feels the need, practically kicks his father out to come to my unit, has taken his fathers car to go to a friends place, on the very rare occasion my partner and I drink, whatever is in the fridge at my partners unit his son will just take.
Has tried drugs but to what level I don't know.

My partner knows that I wouldn't condone it. That's why he won't let us interact..... That's why he says, "What will my son get out of it."

See, sometimes just talking about it helps. Not that it is any solution but, at least I think I know the issue.

Annsdil January 1st, 2016 06:21 AM

Re: I need another opinion
Either he was the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship, or he is over compensating in his relationship with his son, or there is something else he is either fearing or trying to evade responsibility of. Whatever the reason, he is not being honest with you and unless he does your relationship is on a very rocky foundation to be thinking of marriage.

My ex went the opposite way. Introduced his girlfriend and her kids immediately to ours. My kids got pushed out completely. Any possessions and even their room in his home got hijacked by the gf's kids. (Not gf kids fault!) This lead to a breakdown in the relationship between the ex and our kids. Even though I tried to help facilitate it (the relationship not the breakdown! ) His priorities were clearly about impressing the gf. It's taken 2 years to get to a point where there is some relationship now. BUT he started putting it on the kids after being engaged to this woman that if it would make them feel better, he would finish with her. That was not the point for any of us. It wasn't about him finishing with the gf in order for a relationship with the kids. It was about the very short time they spent with Dad, they just wanted to spend it with Dad. What he did outside that was up to him. Eventually, he finished with gf using the kids and I (who had not had any remote interest in his life for a few years! ) as the scapegoats. I.e. he told her he had to end their relationship because of me and the kids. He just didn't want to take responsibility for the fact that he himself no longer wanted to be in a relationship with her.

Now I'm not saying at all that that is what is happening with your bf. It's just an example of where other parties may be seen to be involved but are actually just being used as a means of avoiding something else.

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