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-   -   Caring for Aging Parents (http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com/showthread.php?t=5120)

LucyVanPelt September 3rd, 2012 06:26 AM

Caring for Aging Parents
 
As some of you know, although my DM is not sick, she is aging and she's entering that time in her life when she wants to be closer to her children when we are most busy with our own families. She wants to be assured that she'll be loved and cared for while we're running and facing empty nests in the next decade.

Family dynamics have determined that I will always be her primary care giver. I have already asked my siblings for help, but both DM and my sibs have relationship issues that impede assistance. So I'm already dealing with some of the things that primary care givers deal with: guilt when setting boundaries. This is what I have learned so far.

Knowing what my boundaries are and saying "no" when they are crossed is necessary to a healthy relationship. I've already learned this when I became a parent, but somehow I have a hard time following this with my own DM: The most important boundary is ME-TIME. I should take some to care for myself everyday. Wind down, relax, exercise... whatever it is I need to refresh. I have to be almost religious about it. Although I still feel a little guilty, I also know it is necessary.

Hope this helps someone else who is entering this time in our lives.

Lizzie September 3rd, 2012 06:38 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Knowing what my boundaries are and saying "no" when they are crossed is necessary to a healthy relationship. I've already learned this when I became a parent, but somehow I have a hard time following this with my own DM: The most important boundary is ME-TIME. I should take some to care for myself everyday. Wind down, relax, exercise... whatever it is I need to refresh. I have to be almost religious about it. Although I still feel a little guilty, I also know it is necessary.
quote:


This is such an important piece that Lucy wrote above.

My parents were 'older' parents when I was born and they have passed on a good
while ago.
I was always the primary carer as I have just one male sibling who is rather selfish.
I do though still have a sp needs son and just like with ageing parents etc
it is so important to realise what you can physically take on and where the boundaries are

Me time for all of us is very important and with Me Time comes a much happier, healthier
carer/mother.

KayKay September 3rd, 2012 06:51 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
((((Lucy))))

My parents are both deceased (like Lizzie, they were "older" when I was born) but I often wonder about my ILs.

Does your mom have any outside interests at all?

LucyVanPelt September 3rd, 2012 08:34 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
KayKay, I continue to encourage her to have outside interests. All of her interests seem to revolve around me, or she feels like she has to include me. For example, I've encouraged her to make friends with people the last few years; she always blamed my DSF's illness for not being able to forge friendships. She finally invited someone she's known for over 20 years to dinner. Great! But then she insisted we had to come, too. :confused: I politely declined.

Thank you for sharing, Lizzie. I'm glad you still know the importance of Me Time. (((hugs))))

marcjohnson01 November 2nd, 2012 03:26 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
I have a grandpa who always wants to live independent. Now he is in assisted living home in Toronto. We are glad to know that he really enjoys the life there. He engages in social activities there. Also staffs there take care of him well whenever needed.

LucyVanPelt November 2nd, 2012 04:20 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Welcome, marcjohnson01. I'm glad your grandfather likes his living arrangements. Making that adjustment is hard for everyone. Do you visit him often?

Freek November 17th, 2012 03:25 AM

Caring for Aging Parents
 
I think you can avail some well furnished and facilitated old age house for your aged parents. As their are some organizations providing luxrusies and five star facilities to senior citizens at reasonably priced homes. Along with 24/7 nursing facility with complete privacy.

marcjohnson01 November 23rd, 2012 02:45 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt (Post 56258)
Welcome, marcjohnson01. I'm glad your grandfather likes his living arrangements. Making that adjustment is hard for everyone. Do you visit him often?

Yes, we visit him every weekend and he has a lot to share with us.

ValQu December 13th, 2012 01:24 PM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
My grandmother has always been very firm on living in her home she raised her children in, and lived with my grandfather in. She suffers from dementia and other illnesses. However, once boundaries were set and she was moved into an assisted living home she not only improved mentally, but physically as well. She even insisted on putting the house up for sale that she never wanted to move out of. Stay positive. Your mom will benefit from your boundaries.

LucyVanPelt December 13th, 2012 04:12 PM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
I had forgotten this thread. :o

I don't know that my mom will benefit from boundaries. She is highly resistant and doesn't believe in them when they apply to her. She will eventually resign herself to them, and she'll be the martyr and I'll feel guilty. But I'm beginning to believe that guilty is better than harassed. :(

I'm glad things turned out well with your DM ValQu. Did you move your DM against her will, or did she eventually agree to the move before she was placed in the home?


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