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-   -   Caring for Aging Parents (http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com/showthread.php?t=5120)

Freek December 14th, 2012 10:40 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt (Post 57219)
I had forgotten this thread. :o

I don't know that my mom will benefit from boundaries. She is highly resistant and doesn't believe in them when they apply to her. She will eventually resign herself to them, and she'll be the martyr and I'll feel guilty. But I'm beginning to believe that guilty is better than harassed. :(

I'm glad things turned out well with your DM ValQu. Did you move your DM against her will, or did she eventually agree to the move before she was placed in the home?

That's what i think about it, what you think give your comments.

LucyVanPelt December 14th, 2012 11:08 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Freek, I edited your post. No links, please.

And to make things clear, my mother is not sick or frail or in any way in need of assisted living arrangements. She is emotionally dependent, not physically or financially dependent on us.

Adonis January 3rd, 2013 06:42 AM

Caring for Aging Parents
 
Parents are like big strong trees under their shadow children bring up and become strong to face the hardships of life. In old age they require the attention and care of their children, so it is our duty to care our parents in their week time. We have to do this with tolerance and great stamina with our hectic and busy life.

LucyVanPelt January 3rd, 2013 05:31 PM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
While we may have a duty to make sure our parents are cared for, we also must take care of ourselves. Parents can become difficult. They can become demanding, focused on what they want instead of what they need. It is important to set appropriate boundaries.

Adonis January 5th, 2013 08:08 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Adonis (Post 58000)
Parents are like big strong trees under their shadow children bring up and become strong to face the hardships of life. In old age they require the attention and care of their children, so it is our duty to care our parents in their week time. We have to do this with tolerance and great stamina with our hectic and busy life.

Any Comments?

*link removed by moderator*

KayKay January 5th, 2013 08:59 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
You mean besides Lucy's? Yes. We have a no advertising policy here, Adonis.

LucyVanPelt August 12th, 2014 08:35 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt (Post 58038)
While we may have a duty to make sure our parents are cared for, we also must take care of ourselves. Parents can become difficult. They can become demanding, focused on what they want instead of what they need. It is important to set appropriate boundaries.

I am still struggling with this!

I get that she's lonely, but I don't think it's my responsibility to relieve that loneliness. DM has money and mobility. I have limited her time with us so as to encourage her to pursue friendships. She is still very reluctant. She has other people with whom she could spend time, but she's so critical that she doesn't really maintain friendships. The she says that she only wants to be with us, even to the exclusion of my other siblings. :(

She has two weeks off from work and she expects me and DD to entertain her. She's asked several times what we're planning and when can she come over. She's known she was going to have these couple of weeks off for months.

I think it's important to keep the same routine with her here; Sunday dinners and special occasions. When I didn't have those boundaries, her critical nature interfered with my ability to maintain healthy friendships. I'm not willing to compromise that again.

There will come a time when she is with us on a full time basis. I'm not shirking my duties, but she needs to learn to be responsible to entertain herself and be independent while she still can.

HisHeathenHoney August 12th, 2014 08:44 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt (Post 71955)
I am still struggling with this!

I get that she's lonely, but I don't think it's my responsibility to relieve that loneliness. DM has money and mobility. I have limited her time with us so as to encourage her to pursue friendships. She is still very reluctant. She has other people with whom she could spend time, but she's so critical that she doesn't really maintain friendships. The she says that she only wants to be with us, even to the exclusion of my other siblings. :(

She has two weeks off from work and she expects me and DD to entertain her. She's asked several times what we're planning and when can she come over. She's known she was going to have these couple of weeks off for months.

I think it's important to keep the same routine with her here; Sunday dinners and special occasions. When I didn't have those boundaries, her critical nature interfered with my ability to maintain healthy friendships. I'm not willing to compromise that again.

There will come a time when she is with us on a full time basis. I'm not shirking my duties, but she needs to learn to be responsible to entertain herself and be independent while she still can.

:( Too bad you can't force her to do that. I think you are doing what you can by deciding what you can do, then doing that, and not holding your breath for your mom to wildly approve the limits you place on her. :rolleyes:

DH's role with his mom is similar though less intense. When you deal with needy people, the barometer for success cannot be "what will make them happy/satisfied." They can never be satisfied by anything beyond a capitulation that will make your whole family unhappy. So you have to go by your internal principles of what is right, and have your success be acting from a principled standpoint.

Yes, our parents care for us when we are young and--assuming they weren't abusive or abandoning, which is a whole different can of worms--we have a duty to care for their needs as they get older. BUT, we don't have a duty to provide for their every want, just as they did not have a parental duty to give us every damn thing we wanted and demanded when we were little. The thing is, your mother "needs" you right now in the same way that a three year old "needs" a cookie before dinner. You are seeing her regularly, you are planning to "feed her dinner" so to speak--but that's not good enough, she wants what she wants RIGHT NOW. And you do not have an obligation to meet "needs" that aren't really needs. Parents make thoughtful judgments based on their best knowledge and principles about what their children need and want, and they give them all of what they NEED plus SOME of what they want. And spend the first several years in a struggle to instill in the child the concept of distinguishing "needs" from "wants."

Lucy when you were little, I bet your mom told you a million times that no you can't have a cookie before dinner, no you can't have those designer jeans, no you can't go to the party at the house with the parents out of town, and many other "nos." You'd probably be an insufferable adult if you had not learned that the world does not revolve around you. Of course aging is different, you can't really expect to "teach" your mother that the world does not revolve around her, either. But I do think you are justified in setting limits that preserve your sanity and your family's happiness.

LucyVanPelt August 13th, 2014 03:25 AM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
Thanks, HHH. That child analogy is exactly how I understand this situation! And thanks for the support.

snafu April 19th, 2015 05:38 PM

Re: Caring for Aging Parents
 
I recently told my DM there is no way I'd let her live in a nursing home.

She's on oxygen and I don't trust a home to be diligent training staff about it (she's been in a few rehab places that weren't).

Due to a transplant she has a compromised immune system. There's too many people in close quarters in a nursing home.


DM has been under the weather & has been staying with me ... we've not killed each other yet ;) (she should be going home soonish)


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