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-   -   Momma's boy advice needed (http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com/showthread.php?t=7708)

umbuddah January 27th, 2016 05:52 AM

Momma's boy advice needed
 
My husbands dad died 1 year after we were married. My husband and I both were around 31 years old when he died. His mom does not drive and does not live near public transportation.He has 1 married sister. Since then my husband spends each Saturday morning with her taking her shopping. She was 58 when her husband passed. He calls her daily. When he and I vacation he calls his mom as soon as we arrive. He cuts her grass does repairs on her home. I have to tell him days or weeks ahead if I want to do something with him on Saturday mornings. I have tried to talk with him about why he has to do so much. Also about having her move to an apartment where they have transportation etc. He gets furious with me. His mom does not want to move. She dotes on him. Thinks the sun rises and sets on him. She does not "actively" interfere with our marinate. He likes to stay home on holidays so his mom has somewhere to go. She is opposite with her daughter. Tells her she is fat. She doesn't do enough for her mom. When she does things it is never right. Mom is now dying...slowly. I am not close to my mother in law. My husband brings up the fact that I spend time with my brothers sisters and friends. The last time I visited his mom in the hospital I was leaving and she told me , with a smile on her face, to make sure I take care of her son. I responded " how about you tell your son to take good care of me". Their relationship is weird to me. I feel his mom comes first. I tell him if he had a choice to save me or his mom he would chose his mom. He doesn't respond in any way. My husband is not outgoing at all. Am I crazy for feeling resentful? I am ready to leave. ...now his mom is not doing well and is 88 yrs old. My husband and I have no children together. I have 3 from previous marriage that he helped raise. I do love being with my children their families my family n friends. Oh by the way..When we first married his dad disowned him because I had kids. After several month he was permitted to visit them. For a year my husband would visit his mom n dad on weekends and the few holidays. I was never invited to go with him nor were the kids. Sorry so wordy but I need an outsiders opinion. Is this weird or do I need to give him a break?

LucyVanPelt January 27th, 2016 06:21 AM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
It is weird and you need to give him a break.

You have very good reason to be resentful. It sounds like his mother does come first. He should have chosen to be a husband and father over being a son.

But it's been 30 years and now it's too late to change anything between them. But there will be time to improve your relationship with your husband. Be patient with yourself and him.

Don't fight with a dying woman and a grieving son. You know you have more grace than that, and hopefully your DH will see and appreciate the support you're giving him.

When his mother passes, consider seeing a grief counselor together.

Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss and his.

Knot2loud January 27th, 2016 08:21 AM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
Hang in there. I was the mama's boy in my family. Trying to balance things with taking care of a mother and your own family can be a bit stressful, and quite frankly... ridiculously stupid. Getting pulled from both ends because you have two people telling you (verbal and non-verbal) that they are not getting enough attention is enough to make any mans head spin. I'm guessing your husband doesn't want to disappoint his mother or his wife (you) so he plugs along doing the best he can. Ultimately his wife and kids come first in the list of priorities. In this situation NOW... His mother is dying - slowly. This is probably playing havoc on his brain - even more so if he detects any resentment from you his wife. If you push the issue in this situation you risk creating resentment towards you. He may not ever say anything to you about it, but that resentment will be there and it will be there until he comes to terms with it. At this point, since she's dying, just deal with it. Support him, or at the very least... act like you support him. Like you said... She's dying. When she's gone, you will have your husband to yourself (and that's a good thing).

Your MIL... Okay, she isn't the brightest bulb in the lamp. Your bulb is brighter - how much brighter is up to you. You see the situation, you know what's going on, now how are you going to handle this? Are you going to allow this situation at the present bring you down or are you going to reason and figure out a positive solution where you show your husband that you are his heroine, that you are the rock that he's going to rely on to support him through this time. Your actions and your words are going to make or break this situation. You can either be dramatic or you can be the strength that keeps things together.

You FIL... Disowned his son because he was marrying a woman who had kids. Okay, I'll admit it... Your FIL was a moron. Narrow minded, shallow, just plain stupid. I'm sure you already knew that - I just gave you some reinforcement on that issue. Obviously it still bothers you, otherwise you never would have bothered to mention it. There you go... Resentment. After all these years you sill resent him. That's okay, you're human, you have emotions, your have feelings, and that really hurt you and hurt you because it hurt the man you loved all those years ago. You are not responsible for someone else's ignorance (FIL). It is what it is. It happened. The only thing you can do is come to terms with it and let it go. You're married to the man you loved years ago. Do you still love him? Do you still care for him? I'm sure you do.

Right now, be there for your husband. Please don't be a wedge - be the glue, be the rock. He will respect you for it and he will love you for it.

I agree with Lucy... Consider seeing a grief counselor together.

Hang in there. Life is to short to hang onto negative things.

umbuddah January 27th, 2016 04:21 PM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
Knot2loud and Lucy. Thank you so much for your advice. Often when we are in the situation we can't see the situation. I am not doing anything right now regarding divorce or leaving due to his Mom. What I have shared is a tip of the iceberg. I have been through one divorce and know the hurt it causes the entire family. I also have researched Aspergers and think he has it which compounds the communication issues.

KayKay January 27th, 2016 04:51 PM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by umbuddah (Post 79646)
The last time I visited his mom in the hospital I was leaving and she told me , with a smile on her face, to make sure I take care of her son. I responded " how about you tell your son to take good care of me".

Sure, their relationship is weird, but in my imagination this scene was very touching. She is, essentially, acknowledging that her beloved son is "yours" and wants you to take good care of him. What mother doesn't want her daughter in law to take good care of her son? My mother in law has said similar things to me (except she said them to let me know that she didn't think I WAS taking good care of her son... along the lines of "he's so skinny!! Make sure you take care of him! Is he not eating?") Knowing me and my big mouth, I will probably say something like that to my son's future bride (if there is one). That doesn't mean a mother in law doesn't want her son taking good care of her daughter in law too. :) It's just that you were the one she was speaking to.

Honestly, I'm sure there's more to the story than what you have written, but if he has spent 30 years going to her house on Saturday mornings, I don't really see that as an insurmountable problem. Has it been bugging you for all 30 years? Or just more so now? You can be gracious about sharing him for a few hours, right? Now, if it's all day Saturday or every day after work as well and chores around your house don't get done that's a different story.

If she doesn't actively interfere in your marriage, you're doing well. :) I know you're upset and probably with her in the hospital all of these long-stifled feelings are coming to a head. I think it's wise of you to not do anything now until after his mom passes.

Was he a good father to your kids? Maybe his devotion to his mom rubbed off on your kids and you'll be the beneficiary of that at some future point when YOU need help mowing the lawn and doing repairs around the house. :D


(for the record, what his father did was awful. :( I'm sorry that happened. It must've really hurt you.)

umbuddah January 28th, 2016 06:44 PM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
You are sweet. Thank you. I know people always say..He is taking care of his mom he will take care of you. It bothers me that I have to plan far in advance time to spend with my husband. His mom doen't have to plan a thing. He is always there. Yes I resent it. If I need him for something that comes up on a Saturday morning u can bet there is stomping around the house being miserable because his plans changed. As I mentioned I think he has aspergers which is a an added issue. Good Dad. He set the example of going to work coming home doing chores so I, as well as my children, are grateful for that. I know his mom being ill stresses him out however I don't feel anyone should be another person's verbal punching bag.

KayKay January 28th, 2016 09:15 PM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
Just to let you know - my son has been diagnosed with Asperger's, so I get it. :) I am lucky in that he is very passive and wouldn't throw a fit about plans changing, but it does stress him out when his routine gets broken or plans change abruptly. We had to work on teaching him ways to adapt.

No, you're right. No one should be anyone else's verbal punching bag. Do not take it if he is verbally abusing you.

Hang in there. How long does his mom have left? Is she in Hospice Care or something? Are you sure she won't rebound?

umbuddah January 30th, 2016 04:25 PM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
She is back in nursing home. He has most symptoms of Aspergers. Most difficult to communicate. He blows up. gets angry over insignificant things. Hates any change in routine. Is anti-social. If I have a change in my routine he is suspicious that I am unfaithful. Never have been never will be. Now he is is pissed because I brought grand daughter over to sleep over and clean she wanted to earn money.. I gave him more than a days notice but not enough. Thank you for letting me vent

Cremebrulee February 1st, 2016 06:02 AM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
what bothers me the most about this, is the mother, or should I say, the Op's mother-in-law....you would think, she would encourage her son to be happy with his own family....

My son lives 2 days away...so, we don't see each other that much...once a year...and thinking back to when my DIL and I had problems, I bet part of the problem was, that my son paid me way to much attention in the beginning...

I believe each and every mother, should encourage their sons, no, actually teach them, from little on up, that their first priority needs to be their own family's.

Do you know at work, I had a girl tell me, that her sister said, she had children so that those children would take care of her when she gets older? REALLY?

It disgusts me, how some parents literally brain wash their boys, to grow up to be caretakers....

There is a couple who live aside of me...really lovely couple, but the mother does nothing, and I mean, nothing...her husband works, full time, and she doesn't even as much as lift a finger to pull the garbage can back in, after it's emptied, it sits there all day, until he comes home to do it...he goes shopping, comes home from work, mows the lawn, takes them out to eat...I mean her and her mother, who now lives with them, does nothing to help make his job easier..,.is it any wonder all their sons moved away, and thank God they did!

I really loath woman who use their sons or husbands, and refuse to acknowledge, it's not his job to do everything!!!! That to me, is using another human being....

So, my advice to the OP here is, your not being unrealistic in the least....
You need to get him into counseling. And a word to the wise, if any of you younger girls have girls, you must teach them what to look for in a mama's boy...

My goodness, it's no wonder, men have heart attacks, and die more quickly then women....

What most mothers refuse to get, is the fact that we need to let our boys go...and I myself, was one of these mothers....yes, it hurts, it hurts something awful...but in reality, it is a must do...not only the right thing to do, but the fair thing to do, for your son and his wife, and his children.

Good Luck OP, please get your husband into counseling....that is the only way he is going to realize, that he is wrong....

umbuddah February 3rd, 2016 09:26 AM

Re: Momma's boy advice needed
 
Thank you for a different viewpoint. He is blinded by his mom. She treats his sister wrongly and he doesn't see it. My son is married and if I call him and we are talking and his wife calls or comes home he will tell me he needs to take her call etc. WHICH IS HOW IT SHOULD BE. My MIL has not worked a day in her life, doesn't drive, but has my husband waiting on her for everything. I know we are to honor our father's and mothers which is different than the son stepping in and doing everything. I feel like I would be able to protest if my husband was having an affair but it is his mom. I have no right to complain. Again thank you for letting me vent.


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