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Old November 22nd, 2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: Right or wrong and what to do?

Originally Posted by Aiiss View Post
Hey, sorry if I sound dumb, but why must I screen check my spouse's parents? I mean, if your spouse is genuinely nice ain't his/her parents will be too? They brought him/her up no?
They likely will be nice. But often the expectations that your inlaws would have for their relationship with you won't match your expectations for your relationship with the inlaws.

My inlaws, for example, are perfectly nice people. However, I am very different from my mother in law; we have different education levels, different backgrounds, different values, different likes and dislikes. We could have been perfectly pleasant to each other and gotten along fine, but our relationship has been a struggle because even though she's perfectly nice, she doesn't like the fact that I do things differently than she does. She wants to impose her way of doing things on me because she feels her way is better.

It would have been nice to have been lovingly accepted by my husband's family as I am.

To sort of take an example related to your situation, my mother in law is a fabulous housekeeper. She is terrific at decorating and she is terrific at cleaning and loves to do both. So what happens is that even though I'm a good person, in her mind I'm a "bad" person because my house isn't up to her standards. She thinks she knows better than I do what is good for me and I'm offended by her expressions to that effect.

Once upon a time she didn't like where I had my glasses placed in my apartment's kitchen cabinets. She felt they needed to be by a sink so it would be easy to get a drink of water from the sink. I felt they needed to be by the refrigerator so it would be easy to get a drink of water from the refrigerator (where I kept our drinking water). So my perfectly nice mother in law, in an attempt to be nice and "help" me, decided to rearrange my kitchen cabinets without asking me if she could. I found that insulting and irritating. Such a small thing, but it pretty much defines our relationship. It would have been much nicer of her to actually ask me why I had my glasses where I did, learn a little bit about my thought process and accept that maybe my reality was different from hers. She thought she was being nice to rearrange my kitchen; I thought she was rude.

There are people whose spouse's parents expect to live with them, tell them how to raise the kids, etc. They may be nice people, but if this is how they have always done things in their family, they will fully expect you to do it as well even if it's not how things have always been done in your family. That's what I meant by screening your future spouse's parents as well.
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