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Old February 3rd, 2018, 01:35 PM
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

This is a tough one, rattlesnake.

I'm going to tell you that I agree with everything you've said and with the maturity of a 50mumblemumble year old, totally support your POV.

There just seems to be a big power struggle going on in your family that you've never had before. With your DS and your xDIL, they were willing to pretty much abdicate their parental role to you (well, not completely in the case of your xDIL, but she did look to you for guidance). So you aren't used to the push back.

The fact that your FDIL threw the word "respect" out there... well, I get that. I'm a parent, but not yet a grandparent. The thing about being a parent is that when you are trying your darndest to be a good one, there are all kinds of forces out in the world that are trying to undermine you. You have to have unquestioned loyalty and obedience from your kids in order to be effective in keeping them safe. You can't take 2 minutes to explain to the kid that they need to stop running out in front of that car that is speeding towards them. You have to say "STOP" and have that kid freeze like a statue. This is really for the kid's benefit. It isn't just when they're little. When they're in high school and getting influenced by peers, they need to revert back to that freezing like a statue when Mom or Dad says "STOP."

I'm a softy too, and I certainly would have let my 9yo son play a video game with the settings set to 10 and under, and especially if I was available to watch him play for 30 minutes. I think though, that where your FDIL is coming from is that you have now set a precedent that you will allow him to disobey her. It is not in your GS's best interest to disobey her. I think the reason that "especially" you are in the doghouse is because she didn't expect better of the mom and stepdad, but she did think you were more trustworthy.

Just to make clear that I understand she is maybe too full of rules - I realize that you have been in your GS's life a lot longer than she has and she maybe doesn't have the authority to make those rules.

The thing is... she's trying. She seems to want to be a good parent, even if she doesn't quite have the experience yet. I guess that's where my thoughts go. She is on the learning curve (even if she doesn't realize it) and she has to figure it out on her own. Maybe that's why you're struggling with her a little bit - your xDIL was on a learning curve and was happy to have you teach her. If your FDIL is a social worker (my son is studying to be one) she has a big heart and has seen a lot of parenting - good, bad, and ugly. She may have different ideas of parenting than you do, but that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.

I dunno - I completely understand how you feel. It stings. For the record, I don't think you should have replied the way you did in the group text. If she didn't answer the phone when you called, maybe you should have left a message or replied privately. I'm not a fan of airing dirty laundry, and now everyone in the group text knows about the problem. There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, but it seems that you could have done so privately? Now your FDIL has been publicly shamed, and I worry that it's just going to go downhill from here.

ETA: My apologies! I didn't read correctly. I take back the part about replying in the group text. Upon re-reading, I see that you had replied privately. I had misunderstood.
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Last edited by KayKay; February 3rd, 2018 at 05:01 PM.
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