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Old August 1st, 2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

I'm sorry for this bad situation. It must be awkward for you.

Your brother is old enough and seems to want to leave the family home and make his own way in the world. Maybe I don't have all of the facts, but I think this is healthy.

Do you mind me asking what the cultural norm is for you where you live? Do adult children live with their parents until they marry? I know that's normal in many cultures.

You seem to side with your mother. I perceive that your mother may be tromping on some boundaries. On one hand, I subscribe to the "my house my rules" theory too. But on the other hand, your brother (and you) are old enough to want to write your own rules. Your mom would be wise to remember that your brother is going to fall in love with and select as a spouse who HE wants, and it won't matter what your mom thinks. The fastest way to get herself removed from his life is for her to think she has the right to make decisions for him.

First, it doesn't matter who pays for what on their dates. It's none of your mom's business. Maybe the girl lost her job, maybe she got a new job so she and your brother wouldn't work together anymore so is between jobs, maybe she is taking advantage of your brother. But if your brother doesn't mind paying for her, your mom has to keep her mouth shut. It is not your mom's money.

Second, if your brother loves this girl and is considering marriage to her, he is absolutely correct to put her over family. That will be the foundation of a healthy marriage.

What do you do now? I think you and your mom need to start gently encouraging your brother to fly the nest. My opinion is that his personality changes have come in part because he is ready to leave and resents himself for still being there. It seems to me he's trying to get himself kicked out to make the decision easier.
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