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Old March 13th, 2018, 06:41 PM
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Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

So long story short.... I moved in with my best friend and her husband and 2 kids back in August. Her mom was don't of cancer (she passed this past December), I just got divorced and for nearly 3 years she had been trying to get me to move in with her anyways. We lived 1000 miles apart, we met in an online game and instantly became bff's. We have that kind of friendship that most people dream of having. No secrets, enough fun and enough serious. We literally do everything together.

I helped her through the death of her mom, cleaning the house, buying groceries (and paying rent because she lost her job), taking care of the kids, laundry, cooking.... Literally everything. Gave her emotional support, ran errands, was a distraction when she needed it.

But.... These last few months (and I know this is going to sound crazy) she's been deleting any posts from her fb that I tag her in, not posting that I'm with her, and not liking my stuff. Is it the end of the world? No. But we've always had that friendship where we tag each other constantly in everything. We're the first to like the others posts and pictures, etc. On top of that she gets sometimes snippy with me. A lot of times ignoring my texts. Or just plain ignoring me when I'm in the same room. I'm 1000 miles away from my friends and family. I only have her. I'm not that great at making friends and honestly I work a lot. Normally I'd give her space and find someone else to talk to and wait for her to come to me. But.... She's all I have!!! And her behavior has changed but ONLY towards me.

I have asked her if we're good, she says yes. She'd if she's mad at me, no. We've talked about us and she told me that her love for me is eternal and unconditional. But she's also a huge liar. Do I want to think that a friend that I am/was THAT close to (people often think we're twins... Sometimes lesbians) wouldn't lie about something like that? Yes of course. I trust her with my life. But after living with her.... I see how much she lies. And I struggle with depression, insecurities, anxiety, low self esteem. Not to mention every person I ever called my best friend has abandoned me in the past.

Am I crazy? Is this nothing to do with me and she's just taking it out on me for whatever reason? Or... Has she actually started to hate me?
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Old March 13th, 2018, 07:37 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

Maybe she's just overwhelmed by you. If she has a husband and 2 kids, maybe she misses having alone time with them? I know if it were me, I couldn't live with someone besides my husband and kids long term. Maybe she needs space to grieve her mother.

It sounds like you have been a great friend to her. I doubt she hates you. I think I'd start taking long weekend trips though, or find another living situation to preserve the friendship.
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Old March 13th, 2018, 07:40 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

There is a lot going on in your post, and the truth is that no one but your friend can answer if your best friend hates you. But you don't trust her to be honest, and you don't trust your own judgement.

That leaves facts and reason.

The facts are that you moved 1000 miles to live with someone you've only known online. You became pretty enmeshed in her life, at the invitation. You are together all the time, and what had been an escape from her real life-- the online life-- is now wrapped up in her real life. I suspect the problem is that there is no space between her real life and her online life, and there's no space between you and her.

The best way to put space between you is for you to move out. I think your friendship will improve with that distance. Whether you stay in the same neighborhood or move back home is up to you. Frankly, if I thought the person I was living with was a liar, I'd go back home, but that's your decision.

Good luck!
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Old March 15th, 2018, 06:56 AM
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

We met several times in real life before I moved in. Usually for a few weeks at a time. I mentioned moving out the other day and she got incredibly depressed. Which I feel like sends me mixed signals because of her actions towards me.

I try to create space by doing my own thing. But she got upset with me and quite obviously jealous every time I make plans with someone or try to be out of the house, even though having friends other than her was her suggestion.

As far as being alone with her family, her family is untraditional. Her husband has Asperger's, he's a cop and works overnights. They both prefer it that way. They have always spent very little time together. And they like it that way. But it also made her feel incredibly lonely. Which is where I came in. We are incredibly close, by her actions, not mine. Everything our friendship is, was because of her. Not me. I had a similar life in that I was lonely with my husband and had no friends, just like her. But I never had intentions of being close with her. She forced it.

And yea, right now I don't trust her because she TELLS me she loves me eternally and unconditionally but her ACTIONS don't match. She TOLD me to make friends, when I did... It upset her. The amount of mixed signals I'm receiving has caused a rift in the trust department.
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Old March 15th, 2018, 02:14 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abandoned 1 View Post
. We are incredibly close, by her actions, not mine. Everything our friendship is, was because of her. Not me. I had a similar life in that I was lonely with my husband and had no friends, just like her. But I never had intentions of being close with her. She forced it.
I didn't expect you to say you are married. Where is your husband?

As for "never had intentions" and "She forced it," this required your cooperation. Somewhere along the way, you choose to be close to her, too. So you are "incredibly close" because of both of your actions.

Honestly, this is at least an emotional affair, and you're attributing emotions to your friend that rightfully belong to your spouse. She is doing the same. I think you will always find the relationship lacking. Each of you should turn back to your spouses to resolve your loneliness in your marriages.
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Old March 15th, 2018, 02:26 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

I am not married. I divorced. Which is what gave me the motivation to move.

We are incredibly close in that we tell each other everything. And like I said, I tell her to spend time with her husband and kids without me. Somehow she manages to convince me to spend time with them as well. The dynamic of our friendship has worked for a long time. The problems started after her mom died. They got better after I went home for a week. Now we've got different problems ever since she told me to get friends so I did

Let me clarify when I said I had no intentions of being close. Yes, I let it happen. But after her constant insisting that we talk daily and share everything, etc.



I didn't expect you to say you are married. Where is your husband?

As for "never had intentions" and "She forced it," this required your cooperation. Somewhere along the way, you choose to be close to her, too. So you are "incredibly close" because of both of your actions.

Honestly, this is at least an emotional affair, and you're attributing emotions to your friend that rightfully belong to your spouse. She is doing the same. I think you will always find the relationship lacking. Each of you should turn back to your spouses to resolve your loneliness in your marriages.[/quote]
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Old March 15th, 2018, 04:24 PM
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abandoned 1 View Post
I am not married. I divorced. Which is what gave me the motivation to move.

We are incredibly close in that we tell each other everything. And like I said, I tell her to spend time with her husband and kids without me. Somehow she manages to convince me to spend time with them as well. The dynamic of our friendship has worked for a long time. The problems started after her mom died. They got better after I went home for a week. Now we've got different problems ever since she told me to get friends so I did

Let me clarify when I said I had no intentions of being close. Yes, I let it happen. But after her constant insisting that we talk daily and share everything, etc.
I really hope this doesn't offend you, because I really don't mean for it to.

I wonder if your friend doesn't have a sexual attraction towards you that she's struggling with?

Honestly, I really don't do well with the push-pull stuff. Make friends/don't make friends. The question you asked is whether she hates you, but if I were in your shoes my question would be "Do I want to cool down this relationship?"
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Old March 15th, 2018, 08:39 PM
Abandoned 1 Abandoned 1 is offline
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

It is true that she is bisexual. In fact at one point it was her GOAL to make people question our sexuality. Once they started questioning it, she thought it was hilarious and kept getting into it. But... Again... Ever since her mom died everything is different. Now she gets annoyed when people suggest that we're lesbians. As for my stance, being completely straight but having nothing against gays, I have always stood up for myself and made it known that we are not (clearly it didn't work if people thought we were lesbians).

And back to the husband thing.... Her husband like I said has Asperger's, he's a cop and works overnight. They spend very little time together but they honestly prefer it that way. When he is off several days at a time they fight so much. She gets angry and annoyed at him so easily. But they still love each other. If this works for them who is anyone to question the way they prefer their relationship?

At one point she told me she takes all of her emotions and moods out on the one person she is closest to and then said she's sorry but that's me.

You know sometimes after you vent things get a little clearer in your mind after you let it all out?

I'm wondering if maybe the death of her mom, and issues with her husband are the reasons she's acting this way. It would explain why her behavior has changed towards only me. I mean, we do still have high points. Tonight for example she asked me to go out shopping with her and we had fun, smiling, laughing, joking around, venting about our days. And then she was talking about 'this year for Christmas we should....' and 'so for your birthday I was thinking.....'

I'm not crazy, right? Clearly she still loves me. This MUST be a HER thing and not me. Right?
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Old March 16th, 2018, 12:33 AM
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

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Originally Posted by Abandoned 1 View Post
I'm not crazy, right? Clearly she still loves me. This MUST be a HER thing and not me. Right?
No, frankly I think it's a both of you thing. I don't understand what's going on. It's a strange relationship for two grown women, one married with kids, to have. You seem to be pursuing her?

If you are straight and she is bi, do you think you are leading her on?


ETA: I went back and re-read your first post. Things stood out to me this time that hadn't stood out before.

You struggle with anxiety, depression, insecurities, and low self-esteem. You have been abandoned. You are alone where you are now. Something made you leave your family and friends (support group) after a divorce. She's a known liar yet you trust her with your life. That's a big contradiction.

Here's what I think. I think that thing #1 for you to do is figure yourself out. I think you have an attachment to this friend that may be a little unhealthy. Not to say that you can't be friends with her, but I think you need to figure out yourself and get yourself to a mentally healthy place before you try figuring out the friendship.

It's kind of like when you're on an airplane and they give the safety talk and tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others around you. You need to look inward and take care of yourself before looking outward and taking care of this relationship. Your friend has all kinds of her own issues - her mother's death, her strained relationship with her husband, kids who seem to be an afterthought. You can't help her until you have your own oxygen mask on.

I really think you need to move out, and become best friends with yourself. You are very concerned with how she's feeling about you and haven't seemed to put much thought into how YOU are feeling about you.

Do you have any way to see a counselor?
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Last edited by KayKay; March 16th, 2018 at 01:37 AM.
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Old March 16th, 2018, 07:16 AM
Abandoned 1 Abandoned 1 is offline
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Re: Am I crazy or does my best friend actually hate me?

Unfortunately no I do not have a way to see a counselor. Just started a new job and they don't even offer insurance. I've had no income for nearly 2 months (new job pays monthly).

What I meant by a 'her' issue is simply that her behavior towards me is because of her issues and possibly not an issue with me. Given that she already admitted she tends to take all of her emotions and moods out on only me.

I know I contradicted myself with the trust thing. Let me clarify.... I trust her with my secrets and emotions and would tell her anything. She lies to get out of doing things she doesn't feel like doing, or things to make herself seem better.. i.e. she tells people she has no appetite and gets full after 2 bites of eating. But what I see is her eating 6 full meals a day with snacks in between and sometimes 2 or 3 helpings a meal.

I know I need to work on me. But I also need to work on telling her no. I need to work on doing everything for her. I need to stop spoiling her. After venting, I know I have my own issues that aren't helping the situation....

I just wanted to know if there's a chance she's fallen out of caring about me. Does that make sense?

Last edited by Abandoned 1; March 16th, 2018 at 08:52 PM.
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