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  #11  
Old October 24th, 2007, 05:24 PM
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Re: Acquaintances you'd rather not be friends with

Wow grubby! So it's NOT just me?!

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
"I'm a single mom, you have no idea how hard it is. You at least have a husband to help."
OMG... those were the exact words that came out of her mouth two weeks ago when she backed out on helping me!

I held it in (she's like a hornet's nest - you just leave it be or else you'll get stung) but I was really ticked. She doesn't know WHO she's TALKING to, kwim?

My DH works 80 hours per week minimum and is NOT able to be much help. (Not a slam on my DH... we are on the same page with this.) He was out of town the week I was in need of her help. I do realize that my life is a lot easier than hers, and I do realize that at least I have emotional and financial support, but the "single mom" card doesn't play with me. Yeah, I HAVE a DH. But his patients have to come first. I can't rely on him to do ANYTHING to help, because he can't commit to leaving the hospital at a certain time... who knows WHAT is going to walk into the ER, ya' know? And she'd be the FIRST person to slam my DH if he put his family ahead of her (if she was his patient, which, thank goodness she's not).
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  #12  
Old November 20th, 2007, 11:54 PM
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Unhappy Re: Acquaintances you'd rather not be friends with

**Mini-Update**

I am so sad.

My friend (the one who's helping the Train Wreck) and I work together on raising money for the school. It's too hard to describe, but let's just say basically parents buy (and re-sell if they want to) stuff and get back a percentage of their sale like a tuition credit. If someone buys it who doesn't have a kid, we simply give NO tuition credit for that sale... the school gets all of the money.

My friend, in her capacity at the school, helps manage this fundraiser. I'm just a parent volunteer, but I've been running it in that capacity for four years now... I started it, I know the most about it, it's my baby.

Well, tonight I was catching up on administrative stuff (sales reports) and didn't like what I saw.

Train Wreck is having trouble paying tuition (no surprise). She is gung-ho about participating in this fundraiser, but doesn't seem to move any inventory. My friend, otoh, has been buying and selling... giving all of the tuition credit to Train Wreck. My friend has also been convincing other friends of hers to buy/sell (none of these people have kids who would qualify for the tuition credit) and has been giving the tuition credit to Train Wreck.

Well, all of that I can stand by and sigh. But here's where I got hurt.

My friend was chairing a fundraiser for the school where HER DD goes. I am always supportive of that school (my kids will eventually go there) and of course always supportive of causes that my friend has, so last week I gave her an unsolicited donation (cash) to underwrite some prizes for her DD's fundraiser.

The prizes, coinky-dinky, were the stuff we sell! So my friend turned around and bought (with my money, donated to her DD's school) the prizes for her DD's fundraiser from OUR school, and the tuition credit goes to.....

*drum roll please*.... Train Wreck.

It's just a stupid $9 and Train Wreck needs it a lot more than I do. I feel so childish for being upset that my friend did that, and I felt as though she was kinda sneaky about it. When I offered to donate, I said I'd buy the stuff and donate it directly. She gave me a story that it would be better for her DD's school's record keeping to show the cash in and the cash out, and she's right. I could understand that *I* didn't get the tuition credit if *NO ONE* got it. But my friend bought the stuff and had her DD's school reimburse her, and picked Train Wreck to get the tuition credit.

Very minor, very small amount of money (I always donate my tuition credit to the scholarship fund anyway) but I really feel "wronged".

Was I? What do you all think?

I'm not going to say anything to my friend... I don't want to be petty. Train Wreck can HAVE the stinkin' $9. I don't care about the money as much as my friend's reaching a new level of desperation to "help" Train Wreck. I kinda feel like my friend is "forsaking all others", kwim?

BTW: Train Wreck hasn't gotten better. Last night at a b-ball game she came up and sat behind me and a friend of mine who is a teacher/coach who will affect TW's kids for YEARS. TW spent - no lie - 30 minutes trying to get us involved in a hate-spewing session. She insulted everything and everybody she could think of. My friend was getting reeeaaaallllly mad and not even responding to direct questions, and I was doing my d*mndest to do damage control. Yikes. LOL... my DH told me that one of these days he's going to turn around and tell TW, "You know, you need to STFU."
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  #13  
Old November 21st, 2007, 06:31 AM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
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Re: Acquaintances you'd rather not be friends with

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I kinda feel like my friend is "forsaking all others", kwim?
I do know what you mean. Now don't laugh at this, but one of the best articles I ever read was in Cosmo in the '80s about breaking up with your bestfriend. It talked about it being like breaking up with your husband because everything is so emotional. This is one person that you really trusted with everything. So, yes, it really does feel like your friend is violating a marriage vow by using your money this way.

I think what she did was wrong. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. It hurts to be used that way, and it hurts to watch your friend go down that path. This is something you might want to consider talking to your friend about. This is about your friendship, not TW or $9.

In the future, don't do damage control for TW. Not even for the DC's sakes. Most teachers/coaches take pity on the children rather than take anger at the parents out on them.
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  #14  
Old November 21st, 2007, 03:02 PM
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Re: Acquaintances you'd rather not be friends with

Thanks 1dil. I really appreciate your response.

About the damage control - I was doing it for my teacher/coach friend, not for TW. My friend had come to watch DS's team play before coaching her team (game after ours). I was more worried about my friend being in a really foul mood when she had to coach... TW has that effect on people. My friend, who is the calmest, most mild mannered person you can imagine, got a technical foul during her game! She has only had two before in 8 years of coaching, so you know she's not a hot head.

The saga with my friend got even worse today. One of the things I noticed last night when I was doing the reports was that another lady, who I know for a FACT wants the tuition credits, was (according to my friend) donating the tuition credits to TW. I couldn't let that one slide. I saw the lady in the parking lot after school and said "Hey... by the way...". The lady said she ABSOLUTELY did NOT want to give her credits to TW. I made it seem like it was a clerical mistake/misunderstanding and told her I'd fix it, so she's not bothered. Then I called my friend and told her what I had clarified with the lady. My friend got VERY defensive and said that the lady had been very specific in saying she wanted her tuition credits to go to TW, and recounted the conversation that had occurred in front of a witness. I said, "Well, it doesn't sound like she understood what she was agreeing to. At any rate, she wants her credits now." My friend was really irate and continued on... going in to unnecessary snarky comments about the lady... absolute TW influence because that is NOT like my friend. I stopped it right there. I said "Listen, that's not necessary. I don't know how it happened and I don't really care. What I *do* care about is that the tuition credits go to the right person. If you want to take it up with the lady, go ahead and let me know how that turns out." My friend then got into "I'm NOT trying to force people to help out TW; people OFFER..." (*cough B.S. *cough*) and I said "That's fine. But if the lady did indeed agree to donate her credits, she didn't mean it and she wants them back. Make sure you don't include those in the amount you give TW."

I know I should have gone to my friend first about the lady's credits, but I chose not to. I knew my friend would tell me that the lady wanted to give her credits to TW and then it would be WORSE for me to go to the lady and verify that. I figured I'd just make it a "Oh, hey! Seeing you reminds me..." conversation.

Sigh. Thank goodness it's Thanksgiving and I have a few days without drama.
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  #15  
Old November 21st, 2007, 05:36 PM
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Re: Acquaintances you'd rather not be friends with

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
**Mini-Update**

But my friend bought the stuff and had her DD's school reimburse her, and picked Train Wreck to get the tuition credit.

I'm not going to say anything to my friend... I don't want to be petty. Train Wreck can HAVE the stinkin' $9. I don't care about the money as much as my friend's reaching a new level of desperation to "help" Train Wreck. I kinda feel like my friend is "forsaking all others", kwim?

my DH told me that one of these days he's going to turn around and tell TW, "You know, you need to STFU."
I reread this a couple of times and then took a break from it. Why, because I know this lady is your friend, so I did not want to say anything too nasty about her.

You are NOT being petty. Basically, from what I gathered, she took a donation of money from you, that you had intended to give to her daughter's school. Then turned around and bought things from TW for her child's school. Turned around and donated that stuff to her DDs school and was reimbursed. Right? Your friend is beyond "forsaking all others" and has moved on to "walking over all others" just to meet her goal of "saving" TW. People are not "projects" to be saved. Yet, your friend seems to be a on a huge ego trip in the process of her mission. I sincerely hope she realizes the mistake she is making before she alienates her true friends. TW seems like the type of person who will bail when something better comes along.

Unfortunately, this may mean distancing yourself from your friend unless you want to be dragged (kicking and screaming) in to the "save the train wreck" movement.

Oh ya, good for your DH.
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  #16  
Old November 21st, 2007, 05:48 PM
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Re: Acquaintances you'd rather not be friends with

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
The saga with my friend got even worse today. One of the things I noticed last night when I was doing the reports was that another lady, who I know for a FACT wants the tuition credits, was (according to my friend) donating the tuition credits to TW. I couldn't let that one slide. I saw the lady in the parking lot after school and said "Hey... by the way...". The lady said she ABSOLUTELY did NOT want to give her credits to TW. I made it seem like it was a clerical mistake/misunderstanding and told her I'd fix it, so she's not bothered. Then I called my friend and told her what I had clarified with the lady. My friend got VERY defensive and said that the lady had been very specific in saying she wanted her tuition credits to go to TW, and recounted the conversation that had occurred in front of a witness. I said, "Well, it doesn't sound like she understood what she was agreeing to. At any rate, she wants her credits now." My friend was really irate and continued on... going in to unnecessary snarky comments about the lady... absolute TW influence because that is NOT like my friend. I stopped it right there. I said "Listen, that's not necessary. I don't know how it happened and I don't really care. What I *do* care about is that the tuition credits go to the right person. If you want to take it up with the lady, go ahead and let me know how that turns out." My friend then got into "I'm NOT trying to force people to help out TW; people OFFER..." (*cough B.S. *cough*) and I said "That's fine. But if the lady did indeed agree to donate her credits, she didn't mean it and she wants them back. Make sure you don't include those in the amount you give TW."

I know I should have gone to my friend first about the lady's credits, but I chose not to. I knew my friend would tell me that the lady wanted to give her credits to TW and then it would be WORSE for me to go to the lady and verify that. I figured I'd just make it a "Oh, hey! Seeing you reminds me..." conversation.

Sigh. Thank goodness it's Thanksgiving and I have a few days without drama.
No, you should not have gone to your friend first. Your job as a volunteer takes priority over your friendship in this case.

I hate to say this because you are her friend, but I am extremely bothered by the last post. Between her new crusade and her defensive response about the money, I have to wonder if this was truly a mistake/wishful thinking/intentional slip on your friends part. I would start paying very close attention to your records and double checking anything that is "given" to TW. Your friend is walking a very fine line of fraud on this and as you said, this project is your baby, and I would hate to have something like this ruined for you because your friend is obscessed with someone elses life.

ETA: I debated whether or not to add this. But I find your friends solicitation of funds for TW to be extremely rude and may eventually be have a negative effect on your program. I have no idea how she is approaching people, but I wonder if people are feeling pressured to donate to TWs fund.

Last edited by grubby; November 21st, 2007 at 06:52 PM.
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  #17  
Old November 22nd, 2007, 06:38 AM
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Re: Acquaintances you'd rather not be friends with

I forsee other problems- if your friend is taking other people's tution credits for TW- there is going to be a huge mess when people don't get the credits they worked for. You may have one huge headache comming.
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  #18  
Old November 22nd, 2007, 11:31 AM
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Re: Acquaintances you'd rather not be friends with

grubby and snafu -

Thank you so much for your insight. I really appreciate it; you have given me a lot to think about.

You are both right about keeping an extra close eye on things. The good news is that I am a CPA and spent years working as an auditor, so I kinda do that out of habit. I have been keeping a very close eye on things, and so far everything (except this one incident) is kosher.

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
Your friend is beyond "forsaking all others" and has moved on to "walking over all others" just to meet her goal of "saving" TW.
grubby, you are so right. Thanks for putting it so bluntly; it makes it crystal clear. That makes me so sad.

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
Yet, your friend seems to be a on a huge ego trip in the process of her mission.
I put a lot of thought into this, because I think it's a really keen insight. I'm not sure I'd call it an "ego trip", but you're right... it's something.

My friend has a long history of helping people... really giving them a leg up, guiding them, and being behind them cheering them on. But before it has always been "helping" whereas now I think she (for the first time) is in a situation of "enabling". She has always before helped people who WERE trying to improve their situation; TW has more of a "the world owes me" attitude and doesn't want to take responsibility for improving herself. That's IMO... my friend feels otherwise.

Another tidbit is that my friend is about to have Empty Nest Syndrome. Her oldest is in college and her youngest is off next year (looking at out-of-state schools). Is it possible that my friend is just not using good judgment because of that? Can she be throwing herself into helping TW as a way of distracting herself from her future Empty Nest? My friend is a fantastic mom... the kind that always has kids coming to her for advice. She and her daughter are very close.

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
I sincerely hope she realizes the mistake she is making before she alienates her true friends.
Me too, grubby. Me too.

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
TW seems like the type of person who will bail when something better comes along.
Exactly. She is. My friend is not; that wil crush her.

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
Unfortunately, this may mean distancing yourself from your friend unless you want to be dragged (kicking and screaming) in to the "save the train wreck" movement.
I have been distancing myself, and I have set very firm boundaries about saving TW. I'm still helping out the kids (giving them rides), but refuse to help TW with HER responsibilities (I stopped giving snacks).

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling better. Sad, but better, because I'm starting to be able to not take this personally and I'm becoming able to reomove myself emotionally. Thanks.
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