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Old May 14th, 2009, 06:54 PM
WoodysGirl WoodysGirl is offline
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Unhappy So Unhappy

Decided to remove my post.

Last edited by KayKay; May 15th, 2009 at 02:09 PM. Reason: Remove personal attacks
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Old May 14th, 2009, 07:17 PM
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Re: So Unhappy

I will say this up front: You DO NEED TO MOVE OUT! Find the cheapest apartment you can find. I know going home and seeing your family is a good thing, but if it means you are stuck in the second level of hell forever, then I think you need to pass on this too. Its their house, their rules and you are living off their generosity. Until you are financial independent, you will be miserable.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I can say this. If you are not working, get a job now. Heck, get 2. Spend as little time there as possible. If your visa status is a problem for finding working, make that your FIRST priority. Get it now. Is your husband working? Becoming financial stable is a priority.

One thing I want to ask is why did your husband go to his mother in the first place about what BIL did to you. What did his mommy have to do with it. Epecially since he felt the need to gossip like a school girl about him too Your husband should have gone directly to your BIL instead of playing the telephone gossip game of going to his mother, who went to his sister, etc...

What is your family like back in Britain? Would living and job prospects be better there? There is no law that says you have to stay in the US when both of you could have just as good of a life (and probably better) in Britain.

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Old May 14th, 2009, 08:32 PM
WoodysGirl WoodysGirl is offline
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Re: So Unhappy

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Originally Posted by grubby View Post
I will say this up front: You DO NEED TO MOVE OUT! Find the cheapest apartment you can find. I know going home and seeing your family is a good thing, but if it means you are stuck in the second level of hell forever, then I think you need to pass on this too. Its their house, their rules and you are living off their generosity. Until you are financial independent, you will be miserable.
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Originally Posted by grubby View Post

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I can say this. If you are not working, get a job now. Heck, get 2. Spend as little time there as possible. If your visa status is a problem for finding working, make that your FIRST priority. Get it now. Is your husband working? Becoming financial stable is a priority.

One thing I want to ask is why did your husband go to his mother in the first place about what BIL did to you. What did his mommy have to do with it. Epecially since he felt the need to gossip like a school girl about him too Your husband should have gone directly to your BIL instead of playing the telephone gossip game of going to his mother, who went to his sister, etc...

What is your family like back in Britain? Would living and job prospects be better there? There is no law that says you have to stay in the US when both of you could have just as good of a life (and probably better) in Britain.

Welcome!
Hi grubby, thank you for your response - to answer some of your questions.... It's my own fault really that DH went to his mother simply because he wanted to confront his BIL and I said no. I figured that it would make ME look bad in the long run, because my BIL would realise that he couldn't trust me with anything he'd told me in confidence, and whereas usually I am VERY trustworthy, this one issue was just something I couldn't keep to myself. Anyway, hubby went and told MIL under the illusion that she would prevent SIL and BIL from coming to live here.
We knew how impossible it would be sharing our space with them, so we figured that by telling her, she'd tell them it wasn't practical and to find somewhere else. I guess it was our naive way of trying to avoid a big blow-up. Guess that backfired.

DH works full time (nights) so fortunately, the only time I'm really alone with the in-laws is during the night. This only proves to be a problem when my MIL constantly keeps calling me to the top of the stairs to moan or whinge about something or other.
I don't work at the moment because of the anxiety and depression I've been suffering... It's not really the place to go into it on here, but to cut a long story short, it's my last job that resulted in my breakdown, and it's put the fear of God in me about starting another job.
My current visa status is that of a legal resident alien. I don't become a citizen until i've lived here for 3 years.

The situation in the UK is not much better... it would really be a case of, "out of the frying pan, into the fire" because my own parents live in such a tiny house and are constantly fighting with one another, so it would be a nightmare, plus housing costs are through the roof - alot of married couples over there are having to live with parents because of not being able to afford rent/mortgage payments.
I do understand what you're saying about forsaking our trips to visit my family, but my own mom literally lives for seeing us - she misses us so much it hurts and I feel that life is too short to miss a visit to them. Neither of them are getting any younger, and I never want any regrets, if that makes sense.

This is going to sound awful, I know, but the defiant, wicked side of me wants to continue living here, knowing that just my presence here will make BIL and SIL feel extremely uncomfortable, and in a sick kind of way, I see that as punishment. But on the other hand, this is a woman who has threatened me with the only thing she knows would ruin my life... having me deported.
I said to DH only today that I just can't forgive nor forget that threat, especially as I'm sure it will now be the trump card used whenever I annoy or upset anyone of my in-laws. DH reckons that it was just her way of lashing out because she was hurt... but at the end of the day, DH and I are the innocent ones, and it's her husband that is a lying, sly lech.

I guess I am just trying to find reassurance on here... seeing the hell some of the members are going through kinda puts my own petty "problems" into perspective, and it certainly helps to know I'm not alone.
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Old May 14th, 2009, 09:29 PM
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Re: So Unhappy

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Originally Posted by WoodysGirl View Post
The situation in the UK is not much better...
So move to Denver, New York, Los Angeles, Orlando... or into the nearest women's shelter.

I'm sorry, but you can not continue to be married to this man. He's not a "man", see? He's not worthy of being married to if he isn't selling a kidney to make sure his wife is not alone at nights in an apartment with one person who hates her and one person who wants to sleep with her.

Get a job... a NIGHT job that has the same hours as your DH. I don't care if it's cleaning offices or flipping hamburgers or as a night watchman at a graveyard. Get a job. Save up your money. And when you've got enough money saved, tell DH that you have enough money to move out and ask him if he's coming with you.

I don't think he will, TBH. He doesn't have to... he has everything he wants at his mommy's house. (Oh, and its her house... unless you pay rent and have a lease, she has every right to move Satan himself in with you).

I'm furious on your behalf. You are not married to an adult ready to make a life with you, m'dear. I'm sorry.

Two things: (1) It's already an established fact that SIL/BIL have it out for you and are liars. Never, EVER be alone with them. Never EVER be in a position where they can accuse you (because they will) of impropriety. Seems like everyone's goal is to break up your marriage. Do you honestly believe your marriage could survive an accusation that you seduced BIL? Because that's coming.

(2) DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.


P.S. Your problems are not petty. They are much larger than you're admitting.
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Old May 14th, 2009, 09:44 PM
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Re: So Unhappy

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
So move to Denver, New York, Los Angeles, Orlando... or into the nearest women's shelter.

I'm sorry, but you can not continue to be married to this man. He's not a "man", see? He's not worthy of being married to if he isn't selling a kidney to make sure his wife is not alone at nights in an apartment with one person who hates her and one person who wants to sleep with her.

Get a job... a NIGHT job that has the same hours as your DH. I don't care if it's cleaning offices or flipping hamburgers or as a night watchman at a graveyard. Get a job. Save up your money. And when you've got enough money saved, tell DH that you have enough money to move out and ask him if he's coming with you.

I don't think he will, TBH. He doesn't have to... he has everything he wants at his mommy's house. (Oh, and its her house... unless you pay rent and have a lease, she has every right to move Satan himself in with you).

I'm furious on your behalf. You are not married to an adult ready to make a life with you, m'dear. I'm sorry.

Two things: (1) It's already an established fact that SIL/BIL have it out for you and are liars. Never, EVER be alone with them. Never EVER be in a position where they can accuse you (because they will) of impropriety. Seems like everyone's goal is to break up your marriage. Do you honestly believe your marriage could survive an accusation that you seduced BIL? Because that's coming.

(2) DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.


P.S. Your problems are not petty. They are much larger than you're admitting.

How DARE you? No doubt this post will result in me getting banned, but if THIS is the kind of "advice" that this forum offers, particularly from one of it's MODERATORS, then it's little wonder that so many marriages end in divorce!!!!
I came on here hoping, (silly me) for a bit of reassurance, a bit of FRIENDLY advice from LIKE-MINDED people. What I get is someone slagging off my loving, caring husband, suggesting I LEAVE him and best yet, not to have his children?
What kind of person are you?
No bloody wonder you have problems with your in-laws if this is your attitude to life.
Your so-called "wisdom" is nothing short of outrageous!
I married the most beautiful, whole-hearted, caring, loving, generous man I could ever wish to meet. I came for advice about his wicked family, NOT him and you have NO right to say the things you said about him.
He would give his right arm to live in the UK, away from his own family, but it is ME that is staying put right now because I know how miserable life can be when you're living hand to mouth - believe me, I've been there.

Anyway, as I said initially, I have no doubt I will be banned from this forum, but perhaps it's about time YOU stopped trying to be a no-it-all and offering tit-bits of advice that could cause a weaker person to ruin their life forever.
Jesus, fancy advising someone to leave their husband and never have his child... all because of a fall-out with the inlaws.

Last edited by WoodysGirl; May 14th, 2009 at 09:50 PM.
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Old May 14th, 2009, 10:40 PM
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Re: So Unhappy

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Originally Posted by WoodysGirl View Post
How DARE you? No doubt this post will result in me getting banned, but if THIS is the kind of "advice" that this forum offers, particularly from one of it's MODERATORS, then it's little wonder that so many marriages end in divorce!!!!
I came on here hoping, (silly me) for a bit of reassurance, a bit of FRIENDLY advice from LIKE-MINDED people. What I get is someone slagging off my loving, caring husband, suggesting I LEAVE him and best yet, not to have his children?
What kind of person are you?
No bloody wonder you have problems with your in-laws if this is your attitude to life.
Your so-called "wisdom" is nothing short of outrageous!
I married the most beautiful, whole-hearted, caring, loving, generous man I could ever wish to meet. I came for advice about his wicked family, NOT him and you have NO right to say the things you said about him.
He would give his right arm to live in the UK, away from his own family, but it is ME that is staying put right now because I know how miserable life can be when you're living hand to mouth - believe me, I've been there.

Anyway, as I said initially, I have no doubt I will be banned from this forum, but perhaps it's about time YOU stopped trying to be a no-it-all and offering tit-bits of advice that could cause a weaker person to ruin their life forever.
Jesus, fancy advising someone to leave their husband and never have his child... all because of a fall-out with the inlaws.
Well I apologize for being harsh, WoodysGirl. I had a very different impression of your situation from reading your first two posts. I misunderstood that he was loving and caring, given the situation in which you live. I had the impression that he was allowing his family to walk all over the two of you and his BIL to sexually harrass you. I am sorry. As I said, I was furious on your behalf.

To be clear, I suggested that you move out and ask your DH if he was coming with you. Obviously, I was wrong in my assessment and he would most definitely rather be with you (in the UK?) than living where you do.

And I misspoke... mea culpa... what I meant was "do not have children with this man UNTIL THIS IS RESOLVED". I stand by that. Having children ties you to these wicked in-laws of yours for life.

FTR, no you aren't banned. As long as there are no personal attacks, you are free to express your opinion, as am I. You came to this forum looking for reassurance and I'm sorry that I gave advice instead. I will bow out, since I'm afraid I can't think of how to reassure you.

And also FTR, I don't usually advocate divorce and I don't have significant problems with my IL's.
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Old May 14th, 2009, 10:52 PM
WoodysGirl WoodysGirl is offline
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Re: So Unhappy

Well, I must admit, I'm surprised at your humbleness and I thank you for that. Your post stung solely because of how very much in love with my husband I am, and that he is as desperate as I am to escape this awful situation.
As for having children... that would actually be the IDEAL thing, (and we want them desperately) because then we would have no alternative but to return to the UK for good (free health care, and I'm a British citizen so it's not like I'm leeching from the government).
Having babies in the US is an expensive event, and we're already on a tight budget.
Perhaps I am just procrastinating about moving again - the thought of upheaval(sp?) so soon after moving here is just, well.. demoralizing.
I guess time will tell how things will work out once they move in here, but in the meantime, I really would like to stick around here as, like I said before, it's the biggest relief knowing I'm not alone in this.

Thank you once again for your last post, I appreciate it.
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Old May 15th, 2009, 07:17 AM
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Re: So Unhappy

The thing is, we can only go by what you post. In your first two posts, there was nothing about your husband being a wonderful, loving man. In fact, quite the opposite. That is the problem with forum boards. We cannot get the full picture until you give it to us. We can only go by what you say.

Another thing about boards like this, whenever you post, you take the chance of getting advice you don't like and advice that seems harsh. Getting defensive about it won't help. You need to accept it gracefully or not all.

"Perhaps I am just procrastinating about moving again - the thought of upheaval(sp?) so soon after moving here is just, well.. demoralizing."


Nope, moving is not demorilzing. Living in someone elses home, being hit on by another woman's husband, being threatened constantly, THAT IS demoralizing.

If getting a job ignites your anxiety, its time to see a doctor or counselor. You need to work on these feelings in order to get your life back. I also stand by the fact of getting out of the house more often, build up friendships with others. Volunteer somewhere (a school, library, the YMCA). Go to a pottery class, etc....

BTW: I have worked from home for the last (almost) 6 years. Jobs at home are out there with the right training and training for some of these can take less than 6 months.
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Old May 15th, 2009, 07:59 AM
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Re: So Unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by WoodysGirl View Post
How DARE you? No doubt this post will result in me getting banned, but if THIS is the kind of "advice" that this forum offers, particularly from one of it's MODERATORS, then it's little wonder that so many marriages end in divorce!!!!
I came on here hoping, (silly me) for a bit of reassurance, a bit of FRIENDLY advice from LIKE-MINDED people. What I get is someone slagging off my loving, caring husband, suggesting I LEAVE him and best yet, not to have his children?
What kind of person are you?
No bloody wonder you have problems with your in-laws if this is your attitude to life.
Your so-called "wisdom" is nothing short of outrageous!
I married the most beautiful, whole-hearted, caring, loving, generous man I could ever wish to meet. I came for advice about his wicked family, NOT him and you have NO right to say the things you said about him.
He would give his right arm to live in the UK, away from his own family, but it is ME that is staying put right now because I know how miserable life can be when you're living hand to mouth - believe me, I've been there.

Anyway, as I said initially, I have no doubt I will be banned from this forum, but perhaps it's about time YOU stopped trying to be a no-it-all and offering tit-bits of advice that could cause a weaker person to ruin their life forever.
Jesus, fancy advising someone to leave their husband and never have his child... all because of a fall-out with the inlaws.
Wow, what an ugly response to great advice. You think being told to wait until you're both living independently from your parents as "outrageous," advising you to get out before things get really bad as "causing a weaker person to ruin their life," and you characterize the things going on with the ILs as a simple "fall out," it's no wonder you're in the mess you are in.

You got the best and only advice there is to give in this situation: You and DH need to move out and make it on your own. Leave even if he won't. Don't bring an innocent baby into this mess until it's sorted. If you can't or won't do that because you love your DH too much to leave, remember it's been by choice that you stay.

ETA: I'm sure if you looked at your situation from the outside instead of the inside, you'd give yourself the same advice. Don't stick it out in that house waiting for things to change. You'll have so many regrets about the things you'd given up and the time you've wasted waiting for a change that will never come.

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; May 15th, 2009 at 08:18 AM.
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Old May 15th, 2009, 12:56 PM
WoodysGirl WoodysGirl is offline
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Angry Re: So Unhappy

Sigh. I am starting to think that these types of forums are not for me. There are people on here who sensationalize even the smallest problem and I can't help but wonder just how many of you secretly enjoy playing "victim" to your own in-laws and situations.
You people are way too judgemental, and not one of you is qualified in advising someone to leave her husband... the only time that would be appropriate advice is if a woman's being abused.
I'm sorry, but I asked for no advice about having babies... one has to wonder what you have against someone else becoming a mother.
Are you extreme feminists or something?
Anyway, I'm not being beaten black and blue, I'm not being locked in a closet with only bread and water, so most of this so-called "advice" has been completely over-the-top and uncalled for.
I have read many other posts by you both and find you to be harsh and judegmental, and I do not appreciate that.
Quote:
..... *personal attacks edited out by KayKay*.............
So this is my final post on this awful forum.
I will leave it to the sad old women who love nothing more than to scare monger and gossip with no consideration as to what damage they could be doing.
Over 'n out.

Last edited by KayKay; May 15th, 2009 at 02:12 PM. Reason: Sad old woman doesn't allow personal attacks. ;)
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