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Old May 1st, 2009, 04:07 AM
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Exclamation Dear Abby - May 1st

DEAR ABBY: I need some advice -- fast! My daughter, "Julie," is being married in July to a wonderful young man I'll call "Denny," who is also an only child. Julie and Denny planned a small, intimate wedding with close friends and family to be held in our prize-winning flower garden. The guest list was limited to 50, so my sister is catering the happy day.

Now, suddenly, Denny's mother bought another 200 invitations and mailed them out! At last count, we have 180 guests! I thought the guest list was up to the bride and groom. Not only is there not enough room in our garden, but no parking! We live in a small, gated community, and our covenants do not allow for that many cars. Must we find another venue for the wedding or can we tell mom-in-law-to-be she was out of line? -- FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR FUTURE M.I.L.: What Denny's mother did was extremely presumptuous. However, this is not your problem, so please don't make it so.

Inform Denny's mother that entertaining more than 50 wedding guests on your property is forbidden by the codes, covenants and restrictions in your community and that she must now call every one of the guests she invited and rescind the invitation. Then alert the security personnel that only those on the original guest list are to be admitted.

Please understand that you and your daughter have my deepest sympathy, because this is only the opening salvo in the power struggle that's to come with this nervy woman -- so be prepared.
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Old May 1st, 2009, 04:08 AM
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Re: Dear Abby - May 1st

Anyone know the groom or bride?

Someone needs to wack his "DM" (aka MIL from Hell) with a clue by four
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Old May 1st, 2009, 05:25 AM
greatmominlaw
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Re: Dear Abby - May 1st

I've been marrying off a couple of kids and have next year two weddings three weeks apart. The last of the gang will officially be wed.

I personally, would sit down bride and groom and advise of the rules surrounding your gated community. I believe since it is their wedding, they should determine what to do about this etiquette gaff. If they want a 50 person wedding, then they should advise mom that she will have to "personally" advise each and every person as to the why of their invitation being called back in.

If the b&g don't want to face up to mom and have decided to let her away with this, then I'd be letting them know that since the numbers have changed that they quickly will have to arrange everything at another venue, stating that you no longer are permitted under the rules to entertain the numbers that will be attending. And if they need help, I'd suggest that perhaps mom (who invited all the extra guests) get on board to help solve th dilemma.

What you do not want happening, is starting a war with the other Mom, this could result in b&g taking sides with their Mothers and causing them to argue over this. Let them be a team and decide what the outcome should be for their wedding.

As Mom of bride, you may or may not like the results, but it is not your wedding day, it is your daughter's and future son in laws.

I'd approach this in a very non judgmental way, just stick to the facts. We need one of two actions, cancel extra invitations or change venue and let them know it's their call. If it is an issue of money, then clearly the extra costs for 200 guests also should be absorbed by Mom. B&G will have to let her know about the $$$'s also if it comes to it.

Your daughter and son in law are a team and have a life time ahead of them, filled with ups and downs. They have just hit the first hurdle and they should decide on a game plan together as a team and resolve how to get over this hurdle together.
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Old May 1st, 2009, 07:18 AM
Brownie Brownie is offline
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Re: Dear Abby - May 1st

I must really lead a sheltered life. I can't for the life of me image someone doing something like this!!!!

This would definitely be problem for the B&G to resolve!
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Old May 1st, 2009, 09:10 AM
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Re: Dear Abby - May 1st

LOL Brownie, I know!!

The funny thing is... DH was worried his M *would* do something like this. In my MIL's case, there wouldn't have been any malicious intentions whatsoever... she just would have been so excited about the wedding that she'd have gotten carried away (she gets carried away a lot). She loves parties and celebrations and big crowds of people, and she would never have been able to believe that introvert DH and I would honest-to-goodness prefer a small intimate affair. She would have believed that we were just being weird or that it's because my mom was deceased and I didn't know better, and that she was "coming to our rescue" by inviting 200 more people and arranging for a different venue and that we'd be HAPPY she did that once we found out. In my MIL's case it wouldn't have been a control issue or trying to make the day all about her or anything like that. It would have been her honestly doing what she thought we wanted.

I agree with Abby and with greatmominlaw... the mother of the bride needs to let the bride and groom act like the adults they are and handle it. The MOB should say "Gosh golly gee... no can do" and let the bride and groom hash it out with the MOG. Maybe the wedding can be a small, intimate affair and a week later or so they can have the large party the MOG wants. The only thing I disagree with is having the MOG uninvite people... she won't do that. She'll SAY she's going to do it, but she won't do that. She has proven that she can't be trusted.

That said, that's a very difficult position for the bride and groom to be in. The groom is probably furious and embarrassed and the bride is probably embarrassed yet scared to make waves with her future MIL. The fear of being put in that position led DH and I to elope.
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Old May 1st, 2009, 10:06 AM
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Re: Dear Abby - May 1st

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brownie View Post
I must really lead a sheltered life. I can't for the life of me image someone doing something like this!!!!

This would definitely be problem for the B&G to resolve!
I do. My MIL. She thought it was no big deal because all the relatives she invited lived far away and she wanted the gifts. My DH straightened it out.
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