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Old April 12th, 2010, 12:39 AM
dendah dendah is offline
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DH feels left out by his family

Hey good people, thank you for being my online friends. These days you struggle to get people to talk and trust them with your issues. Thank you for being there guyz!

I just had another one with my MIL. She called me yesterday informing us (my family) that they are planning an unveiling ceremony for her MIL, FIL as well her late husband. The date will be the 25th of September. My SIL has managed to raise $1250 to buy the stones but she is short by $625 since the stones were $1 875.

To give you the background of my story. When we got married I was the one supporting us! Cause I was earning far more! That was not a problem cause I knew before I got married! He was unemployed, cause we decided he get some form of qualification. He got it! Last year like everybody else I lost my job, whilst I was having a 2 month old baby! We stayed at home, but looking! He found something just a contract position, nothing permanent and is contributing half of our house expenses. So we take from our savings to be able to meet all the expenses!

Now because of our financial pressure we decided not to inform his family, he's got this temp. We are 500 km apart so they was no way they could know if we don't tell them. We didn't want some external pressure aside from what we have, knowing his demanding mother!

So they know we are both not employed right now! What makes this whole situation sad is,, my hubby told asked me before we even got married that one day when we are settled he would love to do an unveiling ceremony for his father. That's the one thing, he desperately wants to do and that will make him happy. His is the only who was taken to college by parents and is working nicely and earning nicely among 5 brothers! Who are mostly unemployed. Their sister has been the one providing and doing most of the things at their home. But my husband was not happy about that, hence he also wanted to get some qualification.

After getting these news, he was very devastated! This is taking a lot from him. He wished, if only they also gave him a chance to pull himself together and be able to contribute! My MIL told me, they are $625 short. Where are we going to get that kind of money. That's his monthly salary! We've got a small baby and can't afford to take from our savings while we still have no jobs! I always felt that my MIL get bored when I tell her we are struggling financially, so I just stopped telling her!

I don't know, how to help my husband though! Yesterday, when we spoke about it he said if only they also waited for him as well, cause it's gonna be devastating for him to go there empty handed on his father's ceremony,,, then he went into his shell (you know man!!). With me I am angry at them, why do they plan things on the side without involving us, then come out and inform us when they have planned everything but expect us to contribute! Well she didn't put it exactly that she want us to contribute, she told us they are short! and we know she is unemplyed only earning $125 government pension! This sister has been doing everything for the family and the boys feel left out. They don't feel good about it, at all!Though they can't help cause she is the only one with a degree!

I was thinking of calling my MIL and tell her my husband's feelings about this whole thing! But I am not sure if I will be doing the right thing, considering things have been like this even before I joined the family!I am also a big sister at my home and more qualified than my little brothers but,, they wouldn't badge for something I planned w/out involving them especially if it will affect their budget! I've learn that, the hard way!
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Old April 12th, 2010, 07:50 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: DH feels left out by his family

Poor DH. Learning to make hard choices is part of learning to be a man, though. As much as he would like to honor his father with an unveiling, he has to take care of his wife and child first. DH is being financially responsible. That is a better way to honor his father, imo.

Don't talk to MIL. Tell DH how much love him and the responsible man he is becoming. Perhaps if they continue to be $625 short, they will postpone until they get all the money and he can contribute when he's in a better situation.
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Old April 12th, 2010, 09:23 AM
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Re: DH feels left out by his family

I wouldn't talk to MIL either. It's his place to talk to her and IMO it's more respectful to him and to your MIL if you support your DH without intervening.

Maybe paying part of the memorial can be a financial goal you and DH set. My DH always wanted to give his dad a car (I never really understood that, but *whatever* - it was between them) and it was a very proud day for DH when he eventually did it.
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Old April 12th, 2010, 11:46 PM
dendah dendah is offline
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Re: DH feels left out by his family

Yes, I get what you are saying! It's just that we never talk with my in-laws. It's like everytime we happen to bounce on each other, we both have to create some small talk! Not that it bothers me! It just I asked myself, are ever gonna be able to have it coming through naturally, right now we are very uncomfortable with each other! All of them!

I thought because MIL called me herself to inform me about the ceremony maybe I should also call her and share with her her son's feelings, I was thinking maybe that we create some form of conversation and communication between us! I am just not sure if I will be doing the right thing in this case!

Okay now, thinking about the ceremony! I am already stressing cause we have to be there from Friday to help prepare, be there for the function on Saturday at least go back to our house on Sunday! Mhh,, God how am I gonna cope! They are noisy those people and it drives me crazy! Under normal visit, I break the time up and visit some friends, go out to get some fresh air. Now it's a ceremony and there are lot of preparation involved,, I also have a baby now! But I definately will need time out or else I will just daydream while they laughing and talking!

We'll have to think about putting it as our financial goal,, right now! I don't know hey!
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Old April 13th, 2010, 03:31 PM
dendah dendah is offline
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Re: DH feels left out by his family

By the way how do you get to a point where you and the in-laws are comfortable with each other. For me that's the most frustrating part of my marriage! Deep down I want us to have this family relationship, like I have with my family for hubby's sake, but I tell you it's stone hard. And I've realised that the feeling is mutual, they also feel the same about me!

You know sometimes, I even wish there were not existing. I suppose they also wish the same about me. We've never had some serious confrontations or some serious issues one can point! But hey,,, I dread to go there or even to call them and months will go by without us talking cause they also don't call me!

How do you guyz get it right here!This is the area where my marriage get very threatned!

I was thinking that maybe being an illegimate child and growing up seperated from my parents and my half siblings contributed to this whereas my husband come from a very tight big family.Too tight for my liking!!!!
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