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Old August 17th, 2012, 03:17 PM
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DH making me a bit nervous about how he "doesn't see a way out of the IL cruise thing

MIL wants us all to go on a cruise together for their 50th anniversary next year. My answer is two words: hell. no.

DH doesn't want to go either, not at all. But he's sounding like he can't "think of a way to get out of it." Meaning, a way to get out of it tactfully and without seeming to say "ew, yuck, no way."

Now, I am all for not hurting his mom's feelings if we can accomplish both goals (not going on the stupid cruise, while also not hurting her feelings.) He and his sister have been trying to sell other ideas, like celebrating at the large family reunion, or a Tahoe weekend or something. Or a big party.

MIL mostly wants everybody together to spend what she would probably call "quality time"--she's a big fan of what DH calls the "puppy pile" of family interacting. The fact is, however, that none of the rest of us think of ANY time spent with FIL as "quality" time.

At the beginning of this, I made clear to DH, I am NOT going on a cruise. I would prefer to get out of it gracefully, and by substituting an alternative that would make MIL reasonably happy. However, if push comes to shove, I will get out of it ungracefully, by simply refusing. DH is starting to make me worry that he does not understand that.

Now, he has really never let me down on the IL front except for the occasional space-out at an annoying remark or two. He was firm with them about everything from not using their nasty old unsafe crib to religious education (or lack thereof), to grandchild sleepovers at their house. He has never ignored or let slide anything significant. He has a good track record, and he may just be expressing his anxiety rather than indicating that he's going to cave. I'm sure it is stressful trying to persuade his mom to come up with something else, and I don't want to make it worse by freaking out on him when he vents some of the stress.

I told DH that my main concerns for whatever substitute boiled down to basically two requirements:

(a) FIL does NOT pay for us. The man is enough of an obnoxious control freak under normal circumstances, and DH has not taken any money from him since the last undergraduate check cleared (DH paid for his own grad school). We are NOT going ANYWHERE where FIL pays, because he will feel all the more entitled to tell everyone where to go, what to do, when to show up, what's wrong with us if we are 5 minutes late, and generally act like he owns everyone's soul.

(b) There must be means of escape. (For example at Tahoe we would go off skiing during the day.) We would have our own car. We could go off and do our own stuff and not spend every second together.

He agreed my conditions were pretty much necessary.

I recently repeated my conditions to DH (calmly, trying not to "pile on" stress. He's talking this over with his sister who also doesn't want to go, but she's more dramatic so she's certainly not reducing his stress level). Hopefully this will all work out and I don't have to play evil DIL. But I will if they make me. I really don't care at ALL what FIL thinks of me (he probably doesn't want to go on a family cruise anyway--and I KNOW he wouldn't want to PAY for it), I care about doing the right thing with regard to MIL but, though she is sweet, she's always been so self-centered and oblivious to what others feel or think, that I'm not exactly overflowing with worry about her either.

Sigh. I just have to hang in there and trust it'll all get worked out. Things pretty much always have gotten worked out. Good thing for grad school--I am lot busier and have had less time to obsess about this.
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Old August 17th, 2012, 03:42 PM
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Re: DH making me a bit nervous about how he "doesn't see a way out of the IL cruise t

ANY sort of cruise would be my idea of torture. I would have flatly refused long before now, and just bowed out disgracefully. "You are more then welcome to go without me".
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Old August 17th, 2012, 03:57 PM
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Re: DH making me a bit nervous about how he "doesn't see a way out of the IL cruise t

Ugh. I just had some ugly flashbacks. Thank goodness you have SIL on your side!

Nothing like twisting in the wind for months on end, trying to figure out how to get out of this. Maybe the best way is to get FIL ticked off.
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Old August 17th, 2012, 03:59 PM
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Re: DH making me a bit nervous about how he "doesn't see a way out of the IL cruise t

Yeah, I don't want to go on a cruise anyway, regardless of whether the ILs were also on it.

I told DH early on, quite clearly "I won't be going on any cruise, I don't know about you." I also told him I would be open to a reasonable compromise and outlined my conditions.

Now, he is either (a) just stressing out about figuring out a way to game his mother into accepting an alternative we can take, or (b) thinking about caving. If it's (a) I don't want to harp at him about how I'm not going on any cruise. I already said it once, and I have reminded him a couple of times of my "substitute conditions." (I have in the past occasionally nagged at him unnecessarily about his mom, and he felt like I unfairly did not trust him.)

Hopefully he is not planning to cave. But if he does, I will remind him that I was perfectly clear, I just didn't harp on it because that's not nice.
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Old August 17th, 2012, 04:02 PM
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Re: DH making me a bit nervous about how he "doesn't see a way out of the IL cruise t

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Ugh. I just had some ugly flashbacks. Thank goodness you have SIL on your side!

Nothing like twisting in the wind for months on end, trying to figure out how to get out of this. Maybe the best way is to get FIL ticked off.
Yeah, but SIL, though she does not want to go, isn't the perfect ally because she is more likely to cave. She can weasel out of things pretty well, but she is not very good at saying a clear cut no to her parents (or her own ILs, or anyone really. She's too much of a pleaser). So although at the moment I appreciate her help, it is possible she will cave and leave us the only recalcitrant ones, essentially throwing us under the bus.

I really would like them to work this out soon. It's annoying.
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Old August 17th, 2012, 04:02 PM
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Re: DH making me a bit nervous about how he "doesn't see a way out of the IL cruise t

If he's planning to cave, I hope he enjoys his trip. What will you and the boys be doing?
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Old August 17th, 2012, 04:09 PM
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Re: DH making me a bit nervous about how he "doesn't see a way out of the IL cruise t

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If he's planning to cave, I hope he enjoys his trip. What will you and the boys be doing?
Exactly, he will be going by himself. The boys and I will go spend some time in Monterey!!!
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