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  #21  
Old September 15th, 2018, 02:00 AM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

It's gone from bad to worse. I have finally gone to see a therapist over this because I can't sleep at night, and yes I was presented with an awful revelation since my last posting, that now may very likely put my relationship with DS and his wife beyond repair...


I've tried to keep peace and do things her way. Well, I now see clearly that is not working and won't work.

Last edited by rattlesnake; September 15th, 2018 at 01:44 PM. Reason: need to clarify
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  #22  
Old September 15th, 2018, 04:54 AM
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

I understand your pain. I don't want to minimize that.

I do want you to hold off on any confrontations. This "living will" is not the right fight. The document is stupid.

Honestly, DIL sounds like she's trying to start a fight over a hypothetical situation. Walk away from it and do not engage. If you fight back, you'll be blamed. Time will fix this without you having to do anything.

Instead, be prepared and be present so that you can step in when your GC really need you.

I am so sorry for your pain.
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  #23  
Old September 15th, 2018, 01:02 PM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

Thanks, Lucy.

I do plan to hold off until I talk to the therapist again, at least. I'm not planning to "fight" about this. If that is how my post came off, I need to clarify. I just want to simply let DS to know that I know they did it and it was the most hurtful thing my DS has ever done, but I will leave it at that . I plan on being very methodical, and keeping this brief, and leaving before I get emotional or mad.

I will tell him that I still love him and always will, then I will leave. That is my plan but I feel I need to go over this with a professional before I even think about it. There are a lot of reasons that this act is huge, and not characteristic of my DS that I cannot simply ignore it this time. I certainly get that the "living will" is a stupid and worthless document, but that is not my concern. My concern is the message is VERY clear they wanted to hurt me, or she wanted to hurt me and he was perfectly fine supporting that.
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Old September 15th, 2018, 01:54 PM
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

If it were me, I wouldn't let them know they hurt me. I'm stubborn that way. If they are trying to hurt you, then I wouldn't let them know they succeeded. That will give your DIL more power.
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Old September 16th, 2018, 02:15 PM
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

ITA with don't say anything - vent to us and vent away (I used to bring all my drama IRL here. I got good advice, shoulders to cry on, and a kick in seat when I needed it)

But as you said the chances of all parents/step-parents passing away is between slim to none. Don't catastrophize - you'll drive yourself nuts (I've done it before).

In addition, maintain a relationship with your grandchildren - IF the worst case scenario happens - the kids (depending on age) may be allowed to legally say who they'd like to live with.
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  #26  
Old September 17th, 2018, 05:57 PM
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

Quote:
chances of all parents/step-parents passing away is between slim to none. Don't catastrophize
Thanks everyone, for letting me vent here. I will continue to work through this with a therapist. The thing is that I can't give enough details to really explain my relationship with my DS. The problem is not and never has been the content of the "living will" as I do understand the unlikelihood of that.

The issue for me that is huge is this is extremely uncharacteristic of my DS, who has been married since April 1st. He is also smart enough to know that document could never hold any weight and is ridiculous. So why would he embarrass himself by signing it?
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  #27  
Old September 17th, 2018, 06:55 PM
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

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Originally Posted by rattlesnake View Post
So why would he embarrass himself by signing it?
Because it's easier to sign it than it is to fight with the woman he's sleeping with. Men (all people, really) do some dumb things to avoid a fight. He's probably thinking that the paper means nothing and he won't get caught.
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Old September 17th, 2018, 08:34 PM
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

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Originally Posted by rattlesnake View Post
So why would he embarrass himself by signing it?
Because his new wife wants to exert her power and he wants her off his back. I'm not sure why he would be embarrassed to sign it?

When my DH and I were newlyweds, his mom did something really boundary-stomping (although nothing egregious like what your DIL is doing) to us, but really more to me. My DH wasn't nearly as offended as I was, but he called his mom and told her that she shouldn't have done that and knock it off. It was more to show loyalty to me - the whole "leave and cleave" thing - than anything. But it was good for our marriage for him to stand up for me.

The way I see this, rattlesnake, is that it's not really about you. It's hard not to take it personally, but I don't think the DIL has a problem with "you" per se. I think the problem she has is that your DS has, in her opinion, relied too heavily on you to bail him out and raise his kids. I think she thinks that as a father your DS has been somewhat, hmmm, what word do I want? Lazy? Irresponsible? She wants him to stop shirking his duty and she sees you not as a bad person, but as an enabler. I think in her mind, she wants to cut that cord between you and your DS that causes him to be so dependent on you.

I could be wrong. This is just my opinion and my take on it.

Please know that I don't mean any of this to be ugly towards you. I know you are a fine person who is doing the right thing by your son and grandkids. I just think your DIL thinks that this is her family now and is trying to claim her position as stepmom. She feels for some bizarre reason that she needs to push you out of the chain of command.
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  #29  
Old September 19th, 2018, 01:49 AM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

KayKay, you wanted to know why he should be embarrassed to sign it. The reason he should be embarrassed to sign it is because it could never be enforced, and I know him well enough to know he is smart enough to know that.

It seems to totally ignore that his children have a biological mother who would get ALL RIGHTS in the event of HIS death, and I am certain that he cannot "will" his parental rights to even his own wife, if the bio mother is still living. But even assuming that his ex-wife was also deceased, this document went further, to suggest that if both he and his wife were deceased (so unlikely, but anyway...) that the children should be with his wife's sister, in a state 10 hours away. The sister has met these kids maybe twice, both times in wedding planning circumstances.

And if the sister cannot take this role for any reason, next on the list is two of HER friends, who were bridesmaids at the wedding. They live in distant states and have only seen the kids once...at the wedding. I believe that is the only time DS met them in person as well, and yet he signed this "living will" that lists them as HIS friends.

As time passes and I keep trying to make sense of something that makes no sense, I think the theory he did it to keep his wife happy, thinking it would make no difference and I'd never know, might be right. But then this makes what his wife is doing even more concerning since she sent a copy of it to my oldest DD. There was no note or explanation, just the copy of it, clearly with DIL's return address and handwriting on the envelope, but the document inside was a copy of what DS signed and had notarized.
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Old September 19th, 2018, 04:34 AM
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Re: Here we go again with the step mother to be

Quote:
Originally Posted by rattlesnake View Post
KayKay, you wanted to know why he should be embarrassed to sign it. The reason he should be embarrassed to sign it is because it could never be enforced, and I know him well enough to know he is smart enough to know that.

...

As time passes and I keep trying to make sense of something that makes no sense, I think the theory he did it to keep his wife happy, thinking it would make no difference and I'd never know, might be right. But then this makes what his wife is doing even more concerning since she sent a copy of it to my oldest DD. There was no note or explanation, just the copy of it, clearly with DIL's return address and handwriting on the envelope, but the document inside was a copy of what DS signed and had notarized.
If DIL meant this to be hurtful, she's got a win-win. Does he know it was mailed to your DD?

The same reasoning which illustrates that it was stupid for him to sign it are the same reasons why you should ignore it. It's not legally enforceable, not likely to be executed, and not worth the consequences of fighting over it.

This is a power struggle. You've heard the term "Drop the rope." In a game of tug-of-war, when you drop the rope while the other person is still pulling, the other person will fall under their own effort. The person dropping the rope retains the dignity of remaining standing. It's a great analogy to these power struggles. Drop the rope.
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