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Old November 16th, 2015, 10:25 PM
jdaron357 jdaron357 is offline
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Impossible MOTHER - PLEASE HELP

This is my first time posting in a forum so please bear with me and thank you all for reading and especially for anyone that responds. I'll try to explain this situation as best I can.

I am a 33 year old, happily married, mother of an 8 year old son. I live less than 10 minutes away from my mom and less than 20 minutes away from my brother. My mom is a widowed 68 year old woman, who lives alone, and she has admitted that at times she's lonely for a companion (someone to go out to dinner with, things like that) she is perfectly content never marrying again or having a live-in relationship.

The problem is, my mom drives me absolutely insane! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my mother and she's done a lot for me and my family. But some of her behaviors are truly maddening. She has always gotten frustrated very easily for as far back as I can remember. And when she gets irritated she starts getting snippy BUT with ONLY those closest to her (i.e. ME and before my stepdad passed away - he as well). No one else EVER sees this side of her. To everyone else, including family, she is the sweetest lady. And honestly, I've never seen her treat my brother the way she treats me and treated our step dad. She's one of those people that says things, just to say things! For example, years ago she told me I needed to stop using Drain-o in the bathtub because it wasn't good for the drain. I asked her why and she just got huffy with me and got an attitude saying something along the lines of "Just because." And what that means is, she doesn't know why. She either may have heard that from someone else but didn't catch why or she completely made it up because she had been trying to convince me for months that I needed to cut my very long hair so that it would stop clogging the drain in the shower. I'm leaning towards the latter. Instead of how a normal person would reply "actually I'm not sure but I heard that somewhere so it's definitely something finding out about in case it could be a problem in the future for the pipes." she chooses to act like a 13 year old who was told they couldn't spend the night at a friends house. This is her reaction to everything, all of the time. And it's getting worse and worse the older she gets. Which leads me to the big and most recent problem. She undermines me in front of my son constantly. If I say he can't eat junk food ll day and has to eat his vegetables or he can't get up from his plate, she will scoff, roll her eyes at me, and tell me that it's fine for him to eat junk food and not eat ALL of his vegetables and she does this RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

Now I’m really lucky in that my son is an angel and very well behaved and very aware of right and wrong. He knows when Grandma says things like that, that it doesn’t matter and he still has do what I have said. But it infuriates me to no end that she continues to do this. Of course, when he is at her house and I’m not, she spoils him rotten. I get that it’s a Grandma thing but she takes it overboard. This isn’t really all about how she spoils my son. It’s about her behavior in front of him and how she treats me in general.

She owns an apartment building that she rents out and had a vacancy a few months back and stopped over at my house one day after showing the apartment to a potential tenant but told me “I’m not racist but he’s black and I really don’t like renting to the blacks. They’re nothing but problems.” I said, “That’s actually the definition of racism and prejudice right there.” She then got mad AT ME for not agreeing with her. I’m sorry…I cannot support that insane way of thinking. She huffed and puffed and threw her attitude all around before storming off and leaving all because I didn’t share her dislike for black people.

Yesterday, we went to a holiday bingo party. My mom, me, my husband, and my son all sat at a big table with about 4 or 5 other ladies in my moms age group. My mom plays bingo multiple times a week and has for years. I go every once in a blue moon and have the general gist of the game down but I don’t understand what all of the special games are or how to play them. They were selling some of these extra games and I asked what the 50/50 was. Her answer was “you play to win cash.” Um…ok, sounds great but that doesn’t help me understand HOW to play and how do I know if I won? She then got extremely rude with me as if I was so stupid not being the bingo connoisseur she is. I let it go.

Towards the end, the bingo caller started calling a game without announcing with game it was. My husband and I didn’t know which cards we should be dotting. I asked to my table “which cards are we supposed to be using for this game?” No one answered me. But I looked around and noticed which cards so I said to my husband “No one answered me but I saw that it is these cards here”. My mom nastily says “I WAS TRYING TO FOCUS ON THE CALLER.” Ok…that’s fine. I let her know that my comment was directed AT her to be negative. I was merely stating a fact to my husband. She then mocked my tone right back to me in front of all the ladies at the table, my husband, and my 8 year old son. I had just had it. I said to my husband “Oh my God…I can’t deal with her.” She snorted/laughed again as if *I* was being so ridiculous and at this point it’s pretty clear she is showing off in front of all of these people. She then says to me “Stop being a baby.” I said, WHAT??? Just incredulous at this point. And she said “Oh well just SHUT UP.” I lost it. I lost my cool. In all my 33 years I had no control over my reaction or my body. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back. How dare she say this to me in front of MY SON??? He by this point is feeling pretty uncomfortable (my husband too). I reached across the table and I swear to you it was a tap but I tapped her on the side of the face and called her a *****. There was no thought process. It was like every instance where she has acted like this and treated me like this my whole life came to its boiling point and I lost control.

I have no regrets about what I did and said EXCEPT for that I did that in front of my son. Which made me no better than her in that moment. I have since talked with my son about this and apologized to him for my behavior. But honestly, I mean what I said. And I feel she deserved it. I haven’t spoken to her since (this was yesterday). I guarantee she is singing the blues to others in our family that I disrespected her and treat her so badly, etc etc. And they will all take her side because none of them, including my own brother ever see the side I see with her.

Please give me some advice…PLEASE. I am dying to know what to do, what to think, how to move forward. Do I need to remove my own mother from my life for my own sanity???
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difficult, impossible, mom, undermining

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