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  #11  
Old February 16th, 2016, 03:03 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: Anxiety about visit

slr0031

I would just tell your Dad straight out that you can only have a visit with him. Im sure he can manage a lunch or outing with you?. That you dont want to stay with them at their home because of obvious reasons.That if he wants a relationship with you he had better make the effort no matter what your step mother says. If he cant agree to those terms then its not worth your time and tears. I agree guilt certainly isnt reason to be seeing family you dont get along with.I think you are making too much effort for this man who calls himself your father when he feels like it,who has not bothered for 2 years with you.I would only make the best and safest choices for my kids,I would not worry if someone was offended because I said not to them staying somewhere,their safety comes first.We teach people how to treat us.

My Reality phrase:
We need to see people for who they are in the present, not who they were long ago when we were happy with them.We must see people for who they are now,not for who we want,hope or ask them to be.Our ideas can change,but our nature stays the same.

My reality view has helped me to deal with family members and an ex husband in my life when I was truely stuck.I used to say it over and over in my head until I finally believed it.

Last edited by Catwoman; February 16th, 2016 at 03:06 PM.
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  #12  
Old February 16th, 2016, 05:04 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Anxiety about visit

Thank you for that post, Catwoman. I agree that slr0031 needs to come right out and address the elephant in the room and tell her dad that she wants to visit him but doesn't want to see his wife or her half-sister, and stay away from their house so they don't feel they have a right to hers.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Catwoman View Post
We teach people how to treat us.
Exactly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Don't subject your DH to your guilt, either. He wanted to go away for a weekend and he wanted to have a nice time. He doesn't want to be with an unhappy wife in the middle of this stress.
This is an excellent point. And an unhappy, five months pregnant wife at that! Your DH wants a nice relaxing, fun family getaway in advance of the new baby coming, probably because he knows that once the baby gets here there will be a lot of turmoil as the family adjusts. He wants a little family bonding time before the newborn. That is not what this trip is going to be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by slr0031
I said, if I travel anywhere next it has to be to my dad's. My dad keeps asking when we are coming.
See, this doesn't make sense to me. So what that he keeps asking when you are visiting? Why does it "have to be" to your dad's? If your next door neighbor kept asking you when you were going to paint their house, would you be obligated to do so?
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  #13  
Old February 16th, 2016, 09:52 PM
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Re: Anxiety about visit

Double posting, slr0031, because I want to be sure that you know that I'm coming from a supportive place. It is your decision to make, I respect that, and I sincerely hope that it all turns out well for you.
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  #14  
Old February 17th, 2016, 07:29 AM
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Re: Anxiety about visit

Quote:
My dad keeps asking when we are coming.
I get this. We are programmed by our family, society, and our own desire to have a good bond with our FOO, to meet our parents' expectations. When we can't, we feel guilty.

We have to ignore the guilt as adults and be reasonable. The needs of the family that we made-- our spouses and children and ourselves-- must always come first. When a parent's demands are unreasonable, you don't have to meet them.

Expecting to have alone time with your children with your father's history is unreasonable. Expecting you to sleep in his house or visit on his schedule without regard to you family's needs is unreasonable. Visiting for a short time while staying at a hotel is very reasonable, especially given the family dynamics.

You are an adult with a family, he has a wife and they are a family. At this point, you are both "package deals." If he doesn't want to meet you alone, then it's okay to say, "I'm sorry, but this time is not going to work for me. I'll call you soon."

Then kiss your DH and plan some fun weekend with him.

(((hugs)))
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  #15  
Old February 17th, 2016, 08:09 AM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Re: Anxiety about visit

Thank you Cat Woman, Kay Kay and Lucy. I appreciate all your responses I really do. I have posted a little about this stuff on yahoo answers of all places and have gotten completely ripped apart. Told by random people that I am selfish, that I should have relationship with step mother etc etc. I am depriving my children. Of course I didn't write about my entire history but what they wrote I know that is how I am looked at in the family and it is tough. I don't care nearly as much as I did however and look at the situation for what it is and not what I want it to be, which is to have none of these problems. Cat Woman I like your quote about having to see people for who they are in the present and not when we were happy with them. This can be very challenging to do but I think I am better about it now.

I struggle with this entire thing. Kay Kay I have also thought it may be a good idea if in the future my dad asks that he brings wife that I let him know gently that I would like to just have him visit but that if he wants to bring her they could stay at a hotel also. I am hoping that he knows better and will come himself. If he doesn't feel safe enough to drive he could definitely afford a plane ticket once or twice a year. t am really trying to set our future visits just being us when if comes to my house. I don't think this would go well though and he would probably stop talking to me. I am caring less and less if he chooses that however, although sometimes I feel very depressed and I wish I could just go through with things they way he wants, for us all to visit.

Believe me I would like to just have visits with my dad but this is not really possible if I go there considering he lives 8 hours away. I can't drive all that way and then just meet him for lunch. They also just built a new house last year and I know he wants us to see it. So I am attempting to make an effort if we do go and go see his house. But yeah I don't want to spend the night so that I have a breather.

Yes you are correct about being careful to not dump all this on my husband. He is wonderfully supportive, I am very lucky, but he gets sick of this too. He wants to go through with going to my dad's so that we can make plans to go other places without me feeling guilty. He doesn't want to go ether. Kay Kay I guess it has to be at my dad's because he has been to our house twice now and is expecting us to do the next one. I know i don't have to but I can't help feeling I am being unfair if I don't return the visit. If it doesn't go well I won't return.

So to sum up my goal is to stay at hotel to make it a bit easier and shorter a visit and I already let him know that my kids are going to be with me. I will see how he responds and go from there. Thank you all so much for all your support it really does help.
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  #16  
Old February 17th, 2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: Anxiety about visit

It's to bad about what happened on the other social media sites (getting ripped apart). Someone probably posted the "selfish" thing and others followed suit. People have a tendency to follow the stronger personality. Why? Who knows... Maybe because they don't have the ability for an original thought.

At any rate... I, personally, am happy to hear that you are going. However, if you felt like you'd have to much anxiety over this visit - especially being five months pregnant, then by all means... camp out at home. You certainly don't need any drama that might transpire over the ill feelings you have towards your fathers wife (I'm assuming she feels the same way about you).

About dear old dad wanting you and/or your kids staying overnight at his home... No point in me reiterating the obvious... They're YOUR kids, not his. You're MOM and you have the final say. Trust me... My DD won't hesitate to tell me something when it involves her children and I respect that (not that GPa doesn't break an ice cream rule every now and then).

Don't feel guilty. You don't have any reason to. Try to enjoy yourself. Who knows... Maybe your fathers wife will be a gracious hostess to you and your family.

Kudos to your husband for supporting you in this matter.

Good luck and I wish you and your family the best.
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  #17  
Old February 17th, 2016, 01:55 PM
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Re: Anxiety about visit

At 5 mo pregnant, I wouldn't drive/fly 8 hours ....

I would plan a babymoon with DH
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  #18  
Old February 19th, 2016, 06:45 AM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Re: Anxiety about visit

Thanks for your reply Knot2loud. Yes stepmother feels the same way about me, another reason why I don't want to visit. And yes she will be very nice to me and my family when i see her.

Snafu, I am about to be 6 months and actually am thinking maybe I shouldn't be driving 8 hours...

Thanks to everybody again for your support. It amazed me how many sites there are online to support stepmothers with their issues and there is next to nil for adult children of divorce. I realize we are adults but we have plenty to deal with also. And I do realize that there are plenty of wonderful step parents out there too.
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