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Old August 19th, 2015, 03:27 PM
ryan ryan is offline
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BIG argument please help!

Hello all. This is my first post on here, so please go easy!!
I have been with my girlfriend for a year (It will be a year on Monday anyway). I work full time and finish my shift at 9pm every night, so during the week I go to her house after work (she lives 40 minute drive away from mine) and stay at hers, 3/4 days a week, including weekends.
My parents hate it as they ''never see them and I'm being selfish for putting all my time and effort on my GF instead of seeing my parents''. We sometimes stay at my house but my GF has bad anxiety issues so she doesn't find it easy sleeping away from hers, which my mum doesn't understand. I adore her so much and am going to ask her for her hand in marriage on Monday. Tonight, my and my parents had a blazing row as they have asked me to do something next week but I have told them I am seeing my GF instead so I cant.
I got so angry with what they were saying about me and my GF that I told them my plans of asking her to marry me and that they wont be invited to the wedding because of how they wont let me live my life how I want. They stormed off saying how they wont want to come etc. I'm so distraught though, as I feel like my parents want me to leave my GF and be at home forever. I don't know what to do :'( I'm not a heavy drinker at all, but ive been crying the last hour and am staring down a bottle of drink. I'm in such a mess!
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Old August 19th, 2015, 03:37 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: BIG argument please help!

Hi Ryan, first of all stop drinking and make some black tea and drink that instead...drinking ill not help you at all. I see it from an angle that you're probably quite young and your parents really care about you. To be honest you have only been with your girl friend one year, which isnt very long.....its actaully too soon to be considering marriage. You need to give it at least 2 -3 years before getting married and all that domestic jazz. Even dating and staying over and your partners place isnt enough time to know them in a year...there are so many things to learn about someone...it takes time.

I think you should take a breath, calm down...and just think about the fact this has been blown out of the water. You are ready to call it quits on your parents for someone you have known only a year??. You need to talk to them calmly and rationally,they sound like they only want what best for you. Perhaps you are spending too much time with someone you have only known a short time, they are right to express disappointment in your decision to marry after only 1 year.

You are lucky to have parents that obviously love and care for you, many people dont get that opportunity.

Take a breath, come back down to earth and think about it. Why dont you give your relationship more time?....thats the answer.....look at the bigger picture. Im interested to know how old you are?.

Last edited by Catwoman; August 19th, 2015 at 03:43 PM.
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Old August 19th, 2015, 03:43 PM
ryan ryan is offline
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Re: BIG argument please help!

The trouble is, I'm 24 years old. I'm not their little baby anymore and they have to understand that. I was with one girl for 4 years, they never had anything nice to say about her. Then the 2 relationships after that which both lasted around 7 months they couldn't stand either. they cant bare to ''lose'' me. people say 1 year is no time, but my parents have been together 27 years and got engaged after just 5 months. if I didn't have my GF, I wouldn't even be here (literally, my health was at such a low point before she helped turn me around). I'm going to ask her to marry me, no matter what my parents say. my work colleagues have said this is the happiest I have ever been and I agree. I just feel my parents want me to leave her as they want me to constantly be moping at home where they will be able to control me. everyday I'm at home I feel suffocated, and no matter how many times I tell them, they don't want to listen
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Old August 19th, 2015, 03:45 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: BIG argument please help!

Ok, well how about getting a place together with her?,that way you will really see if you two are marriage material....that way you are living as adults,supporting yourselves, in a trial marriage anyway....I still think 1 year is too soon to know if you want to marry someone.
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Old August 19th, 2015, 03:51 PM
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Re: BIG argument please help!

Trust me, if we could afford it, then we would!! The nearest to living alone together we have had was a 3 week holiday away in a cottage together! (which was trouble free haha!). I'm so confused though. before I met my GF, my parents would always say things like'' you need a girlfriend Ryan. Stop moping around at home and get yourself out there, you cant be alone forever''. and now I am at the happiest point of my life (so much so that my tablets for depression have been halved in dosage for the first time in 6 years) they still aren't happy. But getting our own place is just a dream at the moment, unfortunately
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Old August 19th, 2015, 03:56 PM
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Re: BIG argument please help!

Well if you want people to butt out of your lives,and you want to be respected as a couple of adults, you need to live to together in your own place that is not at either of your parents places. At 24 you must be able to arrange that surely?. If you really want to find out if you are meant to be together in marriage, living together is the only way to do it....as I said you cant possibly know someone just by staying over nights at their parents place. Till then you are stuck with your parents views....it is their home after all.

Best wishes...
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Old August 19th, 2015, 05:44 PM
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Re: BIG argument please help!

ryan, where will you and your GF live once you marry? You ought to have a plan for that before you propose.

I feel for what you are going through and wonder how much of it is your parents trying to keep you tied to them and how much of it is them worrying. What specific problems did your parents have with your GF that you fought about? I'm a parent and I'd be concerned about my son marrying someone with severe anxiety issues.
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Old August 19th, 2015, 06:15 PM
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Re: BIG argument please help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ryan View Post
Hello all. This is my first post on here, so please go easy!!
I have been with my girlfriend for a year (It will be a year on Monday anyway). I work full time and finish my shift at 9pm every night, so during the week I go to her house after work (she lives 40 minute drive away from mine) and stay at hers, 3/4 days a week, including weekends.
My parents hate it as they ''never see them and I'm being selfish for putting all my time and effort on my GF instead of seeing my parents''. We sometimes stay at my house but my GF has bad anxiety issues so she doesn't find it easy sleeping away from hers, which my mum doesn't understand. I adore her so much and am going to ask her for her hand in marriage on Monday. Tonight, my and my parents had a blazing row as they have asked me to do something next week but I have told them I am seeing my GF instead so I cant.
I got so angry with what they were saying about me and my GF that I told them my plans of asking her to marry me and that they wont be invited to the wedding because of how they wont let me live my life how I want. They stormed off saying how they wont want to come etc. I'm so distraught though, as I feel like my parents want me to leave my GF and be at home forever. I don't know what to do :'( I'm not a heavy drinker at all, but ive been crying the last hour and am staring down a bottle of drink. I'm in such a mess!
I feel your pain! When I was dating my husband, we lived more than an hour apart. We were both finishing school and both working full time... Our parents allowed us to spend the night at each other's house, but we couldn't sleep together. We saved money, got engaged, got married, and then lived together. We'll be celebrating our 25th anniversary. But I remember how hard the two years dating were!

Like KayKay, I'm wondering if your parents are concerned about your dating someone who has such separation anxiety. Would she even be able to leave her mother to move to a house with you? It might be too soon to tell.

At 24, it's time to be a man. Stop drinking now. Depression meds and alcohol don't mix. Apologize to your parents for your outburst and talk with them about their concerns. You don't need answers right now, just listen to their worries.

If you want to marry her, get smart about it. Start saving money. See a pre-marriage counselor if possible. How you and your girlfriend work through this problem will determine how well you'll solve other problems in your relationship.
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Old August 20th, 2015, 06:00 PM
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Re: BIG argument please help!

Hi Ryan, There is so very little you can communicate to strangers on a forum like this, but on the face of it i'm with the others, this is not about you having a problem with your parents.

Being married brings with it all sorts of responsibilities even when your chosen parnter is healthy and happy - being in love is just not enough.

From what you have written it really sounds like you just aren't quite ready for that level of responsibility yet. Be kind to yourself, and work on your own issues first and foremost, and the rest will fall into place.
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Old August 21st, 2015, 05:50 PM
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Re: BIG argument please help!

I'm going to suggest both individual and couples counseling.


As you are 24, do you have your own insurance or are you still on your parents? How about your DF (darling fiancé - if I'm not jumping the gun)?

A friend's sister had to put off getting married because if she did BEFORE a major medical issue was taken care of, she would not have had it covered by insurance.
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