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Old August 23rd, 2015, 01:16 AM
miriams13 miriams13 is offline
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need opinions please father problem

Hi. Thanks for reading this. I have recently fallen out with my father. He has difficulty with relationships. as a child he was always ******** off his brother and sister and father. He didn't see his father for years. He hasn't seen his sister and brother for over 20 years even though they live in same town. I am married with 3 children. I have a brother who hasn't bothered with me for over 10 years all because my husband and I wouldn't let him take our newborn son out visiting all his wife's family. The reason we didn't is because my husband had only been in the country one month
He didn't know my brother and sister in law well and had never met her family. Also I feel my sister in laws family are rough and I didn't want them taking my baby for the day to people who never visited me etc. So because of this my brother hasn't bothered with me. My father has argued a lot with my brother. My father hates socialising, hates visiting people and has admitted he doesn't like people. There is a history of depression and anxiety in our family which I also suffer from. My problem is that my parents think it's okaybfor them to come to my house and unload all their problems on me. They have been arguing and falling out with my nephews who sadly I don't see and I don't see their young children. This is upsetting for me. I have told my parents a few times over the last year that I don't want to know about the hassles they having with my brother etc.but they keep on doing it. They don't seem to care that it is upsetting for me to hear about my brother and nephews. It came to a head a few days ago when my mother said my father had refused to speak to my brother when he phones to speak to him. I said it was disgusting and that he should speak to him as it is very upsetting for my mother. He kept on talking so I told him to shut up. I have just had a baby and I just don't need the emotional strain this is putting me under. My fate now refuses to come in my house. He sits outside in car. My mother said he said its because I spoke to him in an evil way. I have now had enough and feel like breaking all contact with my father. My father is also a very selfish man. I feel like telling my mother she is welcome to see my children but I don't want to discuss family problems with her. This is very sad but I am not surprised. I do have a lot of resentment against my father. I am Muslim and so is my husband children. So we don't drink alcohol and never go to pubs
I grew up with coming home from school and seeing my father sat in chair with half bottle whisky gone. This went on throughout my teenage years and me and my brother were depressed and suffered because of it. My two eldest children went to stay with my parents a few months ago and I found out next morning he had been drinking all night. Had been sick and therefore was unable to drive them home. But if he hadn't been sick he would have drove them home whilst over the limit. I was very angry but we got over it. I feel that my father has no respect for our beliefs. He comes to my house and Makes a comment about isis. But I have let it all go over my head for my mother's sake. But I have had enough now. What would do. I am gutted that my children would lose a grandfather. My husband is always very respectful to my father when he comes despite all the things he does wrong. I do feel lonely as I have no other family who are in contact with me. Thankyou for reading. I would really appreciate your opinions as my head is all over the place.
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Old August 23rd, 2015, 07:16 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: need opinions please father problem

(((hugs))))

You are certainly in a tough place. Family shouldn't be this way, yet they are. The best I can recommend is that you start to make your family a priority-- your husband, you children, and yourself. If you are going to be a good wife and mother, you can't have that stress. You did the right thing by telling your parents not to involve you in their fights. Your father, an adult man, wants to sulk in the car. Too bad. You have a child you're trying to teach; your father is not your child.

Your father probably has a drinking problem. He could have put your children at risk of injury or death. Your children aren't losing a grandfather. They already don't have one.

You also did the right thing by not allowing your brother to take your baby. He also wants to sulk and hold this against you. And again, it's too bad. Your baby has to be your priority.

You're married to a great man who continues to be respectful although your family is so immature and disrespectful. Turn to him. Mourn what could have been with your parents and be happy that you have your husband and the children.
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Old August 23rd, 2015, 08:02 AM
housekat housekat is offline
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Re: need opinions please father problem

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Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
(((hugs))))

You are certainly in a tough place. Family shouldn't be this way, yet they are. The best I can recommend is that you start to make your family a priority-- your husband, you children, and yourself. If you are going to be a good wife and mother, you can't have that stress. You did the right thing by telling your parents not to involve you in their fights. Your father, an adult man, wants to sulk in the car. Too bad. You have a child you're trying to teach; your father is not your child.

Your father probably has a drinking problem. He could have put your children at risk of injury or death. Your children aren't losing a grandfather. They already don't have one.

You also did the right thing by not allowing your brother to take your baby. He also wants to sulk and hold this against you. And again, it's too bad. Your baby has to be your priority.

You're married to a great man who continues to be respectful although your family is so immature and disrespectful. Turn to him. Mourn what could have been with your parents and be happy that you have your husband and the children.

Agreed that is spot on advice. We sometimes have to make family when ours is not what we need. Having lost my parents in my twenties, I have found I have a few people that I have taking into my life that I lean on / love from time to time as I would have my parents. That takes time if you don't already have people like this in your life but perhaps you will find those types of wonderful people one day...love yourself and the family you are building. {{{hugs}}}
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Old August 23rd, 2015, 11:37 AM
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Re: need opinions please father problem

I agree - with the PP, also are you getting your depression treated?


I think you're setting a good example for your kids when you don't allow people, even family, to walk all over you. It shows them what kind of behavior that is acceptable and will help shape them into adults who are not doormats.
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Old August 23rd, 2015, 02:17 PM
miriams13 miriams13 is offline
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Re: need opinions please father problem

Thankyou everyone for your reply. Yourcadvice is spot on. My parents thought I was wrong for not letting my brother take newborn away for day to lots people I don't know. So it is nice to have some support for mybdecision. Since I was about 12 I have felt like the parent in my family and my parents used me then as their counsellor. They put a lot on me as a teenager and I remember feeling suicidal. I became a heavy drinker at an early age. But of course none of this is mentioned. I tried to tell my mum when I was about 13. That I thought my father should go to AA butvshe said bcos he was happy when he was drinking that it wasn't a problem. She treats him like a child. I did talk to my mum today. She cried and sobbed down the phone saying that I didntvwant to see my father again. I said I didn't want to hear about their problems anymore and then she tried to start telling me that I didn't know the whole story with my brother. I had to say it 3 times but she cried the whole time. I told my father the same and he actually said I was right and to phone him about coming over when I was ready. I have asked Doctor for counselling so hopefully that will help. But I don't think my parents will last that long without trying to talk about my brother and nephews. I am also very resentful of my parents because they had a lot of money from my grandparents house and they have wasted all of it. Spending it like they're rich
I am annoyed because my grandfather will stated itvshould be split between me my brother and my mum. I know he did this because he knew it's the only way me and my brother would have some sort of inheritance. When he passed away my mum made my nan change the will so it was just her on it. And my parents don't Have one penny now and they have mortgaged their house to the max which has to be paid off when they 70. So they will have to get council house. I hate these bcos when one of my parents dies it will be down to me to sort out their mess. And they have left a huge financial mess. I never said anything to my parents about changing will but I have said that I am worried about what will happen to them when mortgage is due. Or should I just try to forget about it. They Have made me feel responsible for their problems my whole life and it is only now I see it is totally wrong.
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Old August 23rd, 2015, 02:24 PM
miriams13 miriams13 is offline
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Re: need opinions please father problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
I agree - with the PP, also are you getting your depression treated?


I think you're setting a good example for your kids when you don't allow people, even family, to walk all over you. It shows them what kind of behavior that is acceptable and will help shape them into adults who are not doormats.
hi. Thanks for yourcreply. I am on antidepressants but cut them down when pregnant. I have asked for counselling so I think that will help. I am much happier when I dontvsee my parents for a week. My Baby is 10 wks old and my parents keep making sarcastic comments that they haventvseen my kids for 4/5 days
Theybthink they can come and visit every couple days. This is too much for me. And they're to make me guilty I think by going on about the fact they haven't seen my brother for weeks. My mother keeps saying to me over and over again that she is bored T home and likes to keep busy. Again she is putting the responsibility on me to keep her occupied. My parents are just like children.
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Old August 23rd, 2015, 03:48 PM
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Smile Re: need opinions please father problem

Hello Miriams13,

I have been where you are, I have a very disfunctional family with addiction problems. I also grew up with alcoholic parents, I basically had no parents really, due to them being self absorbed into their addictions and on going squabbling with each other. I too became the parent in my family, my parents split when I was 12, I used to even sign all legal documents as my mother couldnt even read or write properly. I learnt survival skills very early on.

I decided about 9 years ago not to have anything to do with my Mum who is an alcoholic (I got her into rehab, that kept her out of jail, but later she went back to drinking)and longer for my dad about 15 years as he was the same,hes now deceased. They both burdened me with their problems for many years. After trying to help them I just decided enough was enough. I had two little kids that were 2 and 6 at the time, and a wonderful husband. I decided to make my own family and cut my own family loose. I have even had calls my mother is sometimes in trouble paying her utility bills because she drinks her money away. These have come from her friends, I ignore those and tell them she can sort herself out.I let my parents own their own stupid behavier, I realised I stopped asking why this happened to me when I understood these people were making their own lives,and wasting them as they went along. It was no reflection on me as a person.

I decided that these people took too much of my life from me and now its my turn. I have had nothing to do with them for many years. I have a wonderful husband and two boys, I just concentrate on them. Even friends take a back seat as my family comes first.

So my advice is to not let your family in the door even. Tell them they have to respect your wishes. Get on with your own life and forget about them. We cant change people,and because of this we need to stop wasting time on them. Concentrate on your own little family,thats all you need.

I believe life is for living and only the strongest survive. Some of us have had some very hard roads to walk on, but that is what builds our strong character,and makes us into the smart intelligent people we are, to go on and raise our own families,with people that matter.

Last edited by Catwoman; August 23rd, 2015 at 04:37 PM.
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Old August 24th, 2015, 01:55 AM
miriams13 miriams13 is offline
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Re: need opinions please father problem

Hi Catwoman. Thankyou for your reply. You have had a much harder time than me. I really respect your strength and I think it's brilliant how you have dealt with it. You are a strong person and you are right. It is time for me to stop being the parent to my parents. My parents house will be repossessed when they 70 although they have had money to pay it off. They spent it on holidays instead. I have been worried about this but now I feel it is not my problem. They have never thought of my kids once whilst waiting all this money so I won't worry about them. I am upset but I know now I will be fine in time. Thankyou.
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