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Old October 25th, 2015, 02:54 PM
GaiaGoddess GaiaGoddess is offline
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Parents are invasive & smothering, I'm an independent introvert...help!

I have realized recently that the biggest problem in my life is that I can't live the life I want because of my parents. I know, I can live any life I want because I'm an adult, but doing so would make the problem with my parents worse, and I fear that equally to fearing not living the life I want. So I will forever (well, until they are gone) be living my life for them. I know this isn't right, but the alternative is worse believe it or not.

I am 43, so plenty old enough to not need parenting anymore. Yet my mom and dad have both been extremely smothering, needy, questioning, controlling, and the funny thing is I have complained to both of them about the other and they always agree with me, even telling the other parent I am an adult, yet they both continue to do it!

I am an introvert and need my alone time, plus I'm quiet anyway and don't pry into peoples lives with questions. I simply want to have conversations about subjects, but to my parents, having conversations means them asking me questions about my life. My mom is also way too lovey dovey for me, she is always texting me with mushy loving things and I am at a loss for how to respond. I tell her I love her back but to me this all just seems silly. We are not newlyweds, I am her daughter so I don't need to be told she loves me all the time. I know this makes me sound like a horrible person since there are people out there with no mothers who would give anything for a mother like mine, but knowing someone else would be grateful for my mother doesn't make my feelings go away that I am having, I'm the one in the situation and it makes me uncomfortable. Ideally I would only talk to them once a month or so, for birthdays and holidays, and have enlightening conversations about actual subjects. But I am bombarded on a daily basis by questions like I'm on trial or something, and I was old enough 20 years ago to live my own life, by now it's just really getting dehabilitating. My entire life is lived in such a way as to not stir the pot. Like I live such a boring life on the surface (working full time, sleeping, eating, cleaning) so that I don't have anything to explain to them. I don't want any more attention brought to me, so I dress boring around them (to avoid their comments and attention about my clothes), I don't tell them about the hobbies and interests I have (to avoid their questions, judgements, and attention)...

From all of this, I have developed a fantasy of escape. Since I feel trapped in this life, I have had fantasies of travelling the world in an RV, going on year-long spiritual retreats, living off the grid on a remote organic farm, stuff like that. But I can't do any of these things because then my parents will become even more smothering. I took a job 800 miles away once, to get some space from them, thinking that would work. It only made things worse. My dad demanded that I call him every week and if I didn't, he would leave messages saying to call him back. And every single phone call was the same, he would ask me the exact same questions every time! I dreaded our phone calls. I lost that job and now i'm back closer to home so he doesn't call me nearly as much. My mom got worse since I was gone too, now that I'm back she has become extra mushy and lovey and is always offering to cook for me, I am 43 years old!! I am almost old enough to be a grandma and my mom is still treating me like i'm helpless.

So I'm really at a loss at what to do about this, I want to live my life how I want but then I will have to tell them and they will get worse. So I feel like a prisoner in my own life because of them.
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Old October 25th, 2015, 03:00 PM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: Parents are invasive & smothering, I'm an independent introvert...help!

Are you an only child?


1) hugs
2) counseling for communication
3) don't respond to every text/call/e-mail; wait 24 hours or more
4) Read "When I say No I feel Guilty" and books in the "Boundaries" series



some others here will give you better advice
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Old October 25th, 2015, 11:57 PM
GaiaGoddess GaiaGoddess is offline
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Re: Parents are invasive & smothering, I'm an independent introvert...help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
Are you an only child?
No, I have a brother, and he feels the same way I do although my parents don't treat him like a child because he is married and has 2 kids, so he has taken on a different role. I am not a mother or a wife, I'm just their kid, so i guess that's why I am not as lucky as my brother.

Quote:
1) hugs
2) counseling for communication
3) don't respond to every text/call/e-mail; wait 24 hours or more
4) Read "When I say No I feel Guilty" and books in the "Boundaries" series

some others here will give you better advice
Thanks for the suggestions! Counseling is out of the question since I have no health insurance. I sometimes have waited til the next day to call/text back but that makes them worse. If my dad calls me and I don't call him back, he calls my mom (they're divorced) and asks her if she knows where I am. If I don't answer my mom's text within a few minutes, she'll just keep sending more as if that will make me answer quicker! I will check out that book, thanks!
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Old October 26th, 2015, 05:35 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Parents are invasive & smothering, I'm an independent introvert...help!

I am so sorry for your position. I struggle with the same thing.

I am from a larger family and am married with children myself. My DM was so enmeshed in my daily life. I have made so many decisions that were wrong for me because I was trying to meet my mother's needs/expectations. When I was about your age, I finally realized that she would never be satisfied, that I am not responsible for making her happy, and that I still had time to do things differently.

I told my DM it was time for her to make new friends and learn to live an independent life while she could. She was angry, sad, etc. She still whines, especially to my younger sister.

I know some family members think I'm not a great daughter. Guess what? My enmeshment gave them their freedom. Now when DM wants attention, she calls them, too. Share the load, so to speak!

I do sometimes feel guilty, but the relief and the joy I have because I am now living an independent life is worth it. My husband and children will tell you that I am so much better now that I'm not constantly running to meet my mom's needs. She's a grown up. She can take care of herself.

I share this so that you know you are not alone and that you can make other choices. There are consequences, but for me, the freedom far outweighs the cost.
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