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Old January 1st, 2016, 12:19 AM
SirenSong8 SirenSong8 is offline
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About to be kicked out

I don't know what to do. I'm 21 years old and am very dependent on my parents. This hasn't been a problem until now. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years a couple of months ago. One of the reasons was because I'd had feelings for someone else for a while. Recently I started dating this guy. Not only do my parents love my ex-boyfriend, but they hate my new boyfriend. They've stalked his Facebook and they don't like the things he posts, but they refuse to meet him. He's a good guy and I feel like we have something really special. The biggest problem they have with him is the fact that his parents smoke, so whenever I go over his house or even see him, I end up smelling like smoke since they smoke throughout the house. My parents are very health conscious and they've looked up how bad third-hand smoke is. I understand their concern, but I feel that I should be able to make these decisions for myself.

My parents are getting stricter and stricter about this. At first they gave me a 1 AM curfew, wouldn't let him come over, and wouldn't let me stay over his house. Then they decided I shouldn't be allowed to go over his house. Now, they're saying if I don't stop seeing him, they'll kick me out. I had so much more freedom when I was younger. They also have been saying a lot of hurtful things to me (even though they claim they care about my health), like that they're ashamed that I'm their daughter and that they don't give a @#$% about me anymore. My mom changed the password on my laptop and said I have to ask when I want to use it. Also, she took my car keys for a while because she doesn't trust me. I feel so stuck.

It's possible that if I stop seeing him they won't force me to move out, but I don't want to do that. He makes me really happy and I love being with him. I don't want to lose what I have with him just because of my parents. My boyfriend told me I could probably move in with him. As much as I would love to move out, I'm a full-time student who doesn't have a job or much money. So I'd have to get a job, pay rent, buy a phone and car (they technically own mine), buy food (I eat gluten free, which is more expensive), pay bills, etc. Realistically, I just don't see how this is all possible. I want to be independent, but I feel as though it would take a long time for me to get enough money to be able to do this. As I've said, I'm very dependent on my parents and I'm tired of them controlling my life and making decisions for me. I don't know what to do anymore.
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Old January 1st, 2016, 12:33 AM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
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Re: About to be kicked out

Hi Siren,

Is it possible that while your parents support you, then they feel that have a say in what you do and who you see?

As a parent myself and my son is also 21, I to have had that moment where I have liked an ex girlfriend more than the current one, but, you aren't 16 anymore you are an adult.

While under your parents roof, I believe they would expect you to abide by their rules no matter what age. You can't be independent and dependent on your parents at the same time.

Everyone starts at the bottom and works their way up, that's what being independent means. Only you can decide which is more important to YOU.

Good luck.
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Old January 1st, 2016, 12:54 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: About to be kicked out

I think you need to talk to your parents and try to figure out where they're coming from. I'm not saying they're right, but they seem to be making extreme demands on you because your boyfriend's parents smoke. What else don't they like? Why do they hate the new boyfriend so much?

What I think you ought to do is start the process to become independent and move out, regardless of the current boyfriend situation. If your parents are too controlling and treat you like a 12 year old, you need to do that for yourself, no matter what your love life looks like.
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Old January 1st, 2016, 08:17 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: About to be kicked out

I am also the mother of 2 young men in their 20's. I wonder if your parents have other fears and concerns that go beyond a young man's parent's smoking.

As the other two posters recommend, try to talk to your parents so you can understand their concerns and also work on being independent.
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Old January 2nd, 2016, 11:38 AM
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Re: About to be kicked out

I'm the parent of a 20 year old daughter, and i expect her to behave like the adult she is.

However, she too still lives at home, i (technically) own her car, she uses her dad's laptop (she would be welcome to use mine, but doesn't like it), and chooses her own friends. Very similar situation, except she comes and goes as she pleases, doesn't have a curfew, can use the computer whenever she wants, does her own laundry and keeps her things tidy. She could move out, but chooses to live here, basically for the reasons you stay at home, it's cheaper, and the food is better.

I agree with KayKay, you should leave regardless, as that whole control situation is just not right. Find out what other students in your situation are doing, or how much support in terms of $$$ your parents will provide if you do leave. Do you have friends or friends' parents you could stay with short term?
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Old January 2nd, 2016, 12:49 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: About to be kicked out

The red flag to me is that the parents weren't like that before. The OP had a boyfriend for 4 years and didn't have those restrictions.

There has to be something else that the parents know that they do not want their daughter being involved in. If it were my daughter, I'd definitely become more strict if I felt she was in danger. The only thing they seem opposed to is the OP dating this particular boy.

The parents' restrictions are definitely over the top, but it makes me wonder why they no longer trust her judgment?
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