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Old April 4th, 2017, 08:34 AM
yaya yaya is offline
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What Is It We Want??

So, it's been a really long time since I've visited this forum, so this might sorta be like an intro. I've been married over a decade to a sweet man who is only now starting to grow a spine and stand up against the horrible treatment by his family towards us and our children.

He maintains very low contact, in great part because his family is so incredibly passive-aggressive and/or just plain outright cruel whenever we have had any contact with them.

I was writing in my personal journal today when the thought occurred to me to ask myself aloud "What is it that we really WANT to have happen here?". I'm sure you've all asked yourselves the same question.

I mean...do we want a better relationship? Five to ten years ago, I may have answered "yes" to that question. That was before it really sank in that these are awful, horrible people who have zero positive attributes to bring to a relationship. They constantly try to cause mental anguish. What kind of friend or loved one does that??

Do we want to make things better when we do see them? Well, sure, but WE cannot control how these horrible people act. They've made it clear that they will use every opportunity to cause upset, and they care not for any boundaries we put in place.

So WHY, then, would we even continue to keep putting ourselves into their paths??

My answer is that I tolerate brief moments of contact because my spouse is not yet ready for 100% No Contact yet.

I think this is why so many of us suffer along, because we love our spouses.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I had to share this thinking with those who would understand. Thanks for letting me ponder aloud today.
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Old April 4th, 2017, 11:08 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: What Is It We Want??

Good to see you, yaya.

You have an excellent question. I have thought long and hard about what I want from some of the relationships in my life that I have had to put at arms' length.

I think, for me, I want to be 100% certain that I did everything I could to have a good relationship. I want no guilt. I want to have no doubt whatsoever that the distance is what is best for not only me, but my spouse and my kids. For kids, especially, the estrangement isn't their fault and they can suffer (all of their friends have healthy grandparent/grandchild or aunt/nephew-niece relationships - they feel different). I wanted to be 100% certain that my decision with respect to my spouse and kids is made considering all of their needs.

Your post is incredibly timely for me. About 15 years ago, I cut off a sister (I think we mutually cut each other off) after my dad's death. It was the culmination of many years of discord between us. Within the last few months, I have been thinking of her and realizing that I'm past the hurt and anger. I have nothing but well-wishes for her, not that I want her back in my life. And then just last night I was decluttering and sorting through some old papers from just after my dad's death. I came across some emails she had written and I had printed out. This time, 15 years after it all happened, I was able to read the emails completely objectively and without hurt or anger. Honestly, I had such a different perspective this time. This time, because I wasn't angry or hurt or whatever emotion I was feeling back then, I was able to read them and think "Wow, she really was nuts. I never noticed that before." I felt pity for her, and relief for me that I haven't been in that drama vortex for the last 15 years.

I think that is what we really want - to be able to look back 15 years from now and be happy we made the right decision.
Expecto Patronum!
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Old April 4th, 2017, 01:24 PM
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Knot2loud Knot2loud is offline
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Re: What Is It We Want??

Well, you said he was a sweet man. I take that as a caring, gentle and amiable man. That's not a bad thing at all. From your description of his family... They seem to like to run all over him, you and y'alls children. Probably because he just "sucks it up" and moves on, doesn't say a whole lot and doesn't defend himself verbally very often.

Is it really his "spine" or, as I would say... balls? He seems to have more balls than his family can ever know - but, I could be wrong. He's your man and you know him better than anyone here ever will. From your post it appears as if he's just getting tired of the BS his family dishes out. Nothing wrong with that. I take it he's a quiet man too. If so, his family better watch out, because when a quiet man makes up his mind... There's no turning him around.

Nah... I think you husband has a spine. He's just giving them every opportunity to correct themselves. I think there's a slight possibility that he's just not moving faster than you think he should.

I'm just guessing you're more verbal than your husband is. That's cool... Nothing wrong with that.

By the way... Welcome back!
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Old April 7th, 2017, 12:01 PM
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Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
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Re: What Is It We Want??

yaya, each in our own time....no one can put a time limit on when we have had enough.

I cut my maternal mother completely out of my life, 9 years ago. Like KayKay said, she wanted to be free of all guilt....I harbor none.

All I can say is, good for him, glad he is seeing the light....

I spoke to a minister once, and asked him about cutting my mother from my life....

He said, God, gave us the gift of life, and he loves everyone of us....he certainly didn't mean for any of us to be abused....and to allow such, is wrong.

Hang in there....
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Old April 7th, 2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: What Is It We Want??

For me, I came to a realization that life is short to be spent in pain due to nasty in-laws.

Why does a person HAVE to take any type of awful horrible treatment from anyone?

Maybe it's just time to always be booked somewhere else. Or, turn off the lights and pretend you're not home.

Do what ever you need to do to make yourself safe. Psychic vampires are awful. They never stop.

...land of the free. kind of...maybe...not so much.
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