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Old April 11th, 2017, 06:40 AM
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Just inappropriate or pornographic?

My DD came home from a visit at a friend's house last week. She told me about a picture her friend shared and she was giggling. Then she showed me a picture of a food product. I didn't see what she thought was funny. Finally she said, "It looks like a penis."

I still didn't see it, and I asked her how she knows what a penis looks like. She said, "Mom, I saw a chart on the health room at school!" In my mind, I'm thinking this is funny, innocent kids humor, like looking up dirty words in the dictionary.

But then I ask her how she knew about the food. It seems that the friend's mother showed my DD the picture and told her what to see in it. This is no longer kids looking up dirty words.

An adult woman sharing this with a 12 year old is at least inappropriate. Would you consider it pornographic? What would you do?
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Old April 11th, 2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

With my Gsons (12 and 11) - who slip about certain things at times... I explain to them the morally correct way things should be, but sometimes are not. I tell them that they need to be as strong mentally as they are physically. Not to succumb to peer pressure and I give them ideas about how to get out of tough situations. One thing I always try to steer away from is making them feel guilty, embarrassed or just plain dumb.

Was/is that pornographic? Could be - depending on how the message was sent and the message received. Was it intended to be pornographic? No idea. Even still, a sit down talk would more than likely be a good idea. She obviously has a handle on anatomy.

Would I call the mom at this point. Probably not this time. I would, however, keep a close eye on things. It is a bit unnerving this adult actually had to tell her "what to see in it." That's definitely off kilter.
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Old April 11th, 2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

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Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
An adult woman sharing this with a 12 year old is at least inappropriate. Would you consider it pornographic? What would you do?
I had to think about this one. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't consider it pornographic because it doesn't come across to me that the objective of sexual arousal was there.

I do find it highly immature and inappropriate. It would shake my trust in the mom, because she sounds (to me) like she wants to be the "cool mom" that kids feel comfortable sharing with, and in my experience those moms often condone things that they shouldn't in the interest of their daughters "being able to talk to them" (which their daughters laugh at behind their backs and take full advantage of). Was this a picture that the kids came across and the mom got caught unaware and reacted poorly? Or was this a picture that the mom found and brought to the girls to share?

What I would do would be to tell my daughter to beware of the "cool moms" and limit her unsupervised interaction with the mom. I made that decision with one of my friends who has a daughter my DD's age. I love the woman and am still good friends with her, but I realized when the girls were in the 9-12 range that she'd be the mom pushing her DD towards being "cool" and popular at all costs. Her DD predictably went down the wrong path, with her mom encouraging her to hang out with her friends, and is now a 20yo promiscuous druggie. The mom is completely blind to it.

Full disclosure - I'm a fuddy duddy.
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Old April 11th, 2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Or was this a picture that the mom found and brought to the girls to share?
This was something the mom saw, took a picture of, and then showed her DD and my DD. I don't know if she is the "cool" mom, or if she is just in a hurry to have her DD grow up.

There are just things that an adult shouldn't share with a child. I'm also a fuddy-duddy.

Knot, you would not believe the conversations I've had to have with my DD this past year. Kids totally reject any limits or discussion of morals, often with their parents' guiding them that direction. I wish my DD had your family in my neighborhood.
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Old April 11th, 2017, 08:31 PM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

So sorry for the situation. Pornographic might be too strong for this. It seems inappropriate to share such a thing with a 12 yr old, but perhaps someone forgot to tell the mother. Unfortunately we are not all raised with the same morals. I agree with your concern, but try not to make too big a deal about it. Perhaps call her and politely ask her not to share such things with your daughter. If it doesn't go well, you may have to limit your daughter's time around the mother. Try to stay calm about it. Maybe tell your daughter, that while the pic might look like that, it isn't and she is not allowed to share that with anyone else. Hang in there and keep being a fuddy duddy. The world needs more of you in it.
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Old April 12th, 2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

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Originally Posted by pam4him View Post
So sorry for the situation. Pornographic might be too strong for this. It seems inappropriate to share such a thing with a 12 yr old, but perhaps someone forgot to tell the mother. Unfortunately we are not all raised with the same morals. I agree with your concern, but try not to make too big a deal about it. Perhaps call her and politely ask her not to share such things with your daughter. If it doesn't go well, you may have to limit your daughter's time around the mother. Try to stay calm about it. Maybe tell your daughter, that while the pic might look like that, it isn't and she is not allowed to share that with anyone else. Hang in there and keep being a fuddy duddy. The world needs more of you in it.
Very nice advice. Thank you, and welcome to the forum!
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Old April 12th, 2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

Knot2loud With my Gsons (12 and 11) - I tell them that they need to be as strong mentally as they are physically. Not to succumb to peer pressure and I give them ideas about how to get out of tough situations. One thing I always try to steer away from is making them feel guilty, embarrassed or just plain dumb.

Very good advice
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Old April 12th, 2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

I don't believe it was pornographic, however, like several have said here, I'd keep a closer eye on the situation....if it happens again, then I think I'd want to talk it over with the mother and let her know my concerns, in a very calm and collected way.

Here's a thought, maybe invite her out to lunch. Meet her somewhere, explain to her you think it's important, since your daughter's are hanging together, that you got to know each other better...I know girls at work do that...especially in today's world.

Explain to her that they are at a very impressionable age, and you wanted to get on board with her, as far as beliefs, perceptions and morals. Ask her if she would call you to discuss anything that she might perceive as borderline or worse, and assure her that you would do the same.

You don't have to be best buds, but, get a feel for her moral fabric...you might then be able to make a better decision.
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Old April 12th, 2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

I don't think it was pornographic....but...

here's what I'd do....I'd call the woman and tell her that it seems like our daughters are best buds, and you'd like to meet her for lunch next week, to discuss some things with her....

When you meet you could explain to her that you thought it might be nice to get a handle on each other's perceptions, morals and beliefs...that 4 eyes are sometimes much safer than two.

Express your concerns that your daughters are entering into their teenage years and by the two of you being friendly, you feel at some point it might be beneficial to all concerned.

While your talking you could let her know where your coming from.

I know girls at work who make it a point to meet with the parents of the kids their kids are hanging with. Actually the one gal and parents have formed a pretty strong alliance, for lack of a better word.

Keeps the kids in line to know that the parents are friendly with each other?

anyway, just a thought?

Last edited by Cremebrulee; April 12th, 2017 at 12:06 PM.
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Old April 13th, 2017, 06:16 AM
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Re: Just inappropriate or pornographic?

Thanks, Creme.
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