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Old May 2nd, 2017, 07:37 PM
Kris10 Kris10 is offline
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Question Guilt Over Resentment

I want to start by saying this is my first time posting to a forum like this. The main reason I've chosen to do so now is honestly because I'm a little ashamed of the resentment I have towards my father-in-law and don't want my friends and family to know the full extent of how truly frustrated I am. I've read some feedback others have received on here and feel like I could get some honest advise on how to go forward.
My FIL and MIL divorced around 20 years ago when my husband was in middle school. Up until that point, from diet to medications, my MIL took care of everything related to my FIL type 1 diabetes. When she left he never really committed to taking care of himself as I understand it. Fast forward to now. He's extremely overweight, has major issues with his legs from poor circulation, heart problems, ect. I think the part of this that's hard for me to swallow is the attitude that this has all just happened to him. He has my husband and sister in law, who both have full time jobs, running all over the world doing things for him. My MIL is a saint and has actually stepped in to help so it doesn't all fall on them.
A couple recent events have pushed me to the breaking point. When I was 9 months pregnant in the middle of the night he pressured my husband to spend the night in the hospital with him to do things because the nurses weren't fast enough. (He's often in the hospital a few days at time to get fluid drained.) My husband ended up going because he made it so hard to say no. I probably wouldn't have been able to either honestly.
Now yesterday I find out that he's been driving a little. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told my husband he needs to take his keys or I will talk to him myself. He has TERRIBLE eyesight and could kill someone driving around. He's legally blind. My husband totally agrees but says that he's going to need to start driving him everywhere now if he does that. In anger to told him there are other options for seniors and he needs to figure this out for himself for once.
I know how horrible this sounds. He's a nice man and has never been anything but kind to me. I just really feel like he's become way too comfortable being completely dependent on the rest of my in laws. He needs to move into assisted living but doesn't want to lose his independence but that ship has sailed. We are constantly worried he's fallen during the day and can't get to the phone if he doesn't answer when we call. He has no strength (a gallon of milk is all he can lift) so this is a very real possibility. I'm just not sure what to do/not do or say/not say. I'm a pretty opinionated person so it's taken a lot of self restraint making it this far. i don't blame my husband at all. If the situation was reversed and this was my dad I'd do the same. The difference is my dad would never interrupt my life like this.
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Old May 3rd, 2017, 04:52 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Guilt Over Resentment

Welcome to the forum and I'm so sorry for your situation.

Resentment is a feeling, like any other feeling. What you do with the resentment is what should determine the guilt and as far as I can tell, you have done nothing to be guilty. You are a good wife and a good DIL who wants what is best for these two men.

You are in a hard spot. If your DH were here, I'd tell him that his responsibility is to be your husband first, your children's father second. He cannot commit himself to his father at the cost of his home life. He probably can't hear this without feeling pressured and criticized, and resentful and guilty, too.

So, what can you do to help your husband? The first step is to help him find help for his father and for himself. You want your husband to enjoy the time he has with his father. If his father cannot care for himself and will not go to an assisted living facility, a home health aide is a good option. They provide companionship, do light housekeeping, help with shopping, etc. If he goes into a diabetic shock, falls, tries to drive, someone will be there. Then you and your DH can set up a regular schedule of when you'll call, when you'll visit, when you'll take him for an outing. It won't be easy, but it will be an improvement over this "on demand" situation. Your DH will be less stressed, too.
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Old May 3rd, 2017, 11:00 AM
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chissus chissus is offline
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Re: Guilt Over Resentment

I think it's time to get the Senior Care Authority involved. (or whatever it's called in your area) He needs more help than you can give him.
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