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Old March 23rd, 2017, 07:07 AM
ciws14 ciws14 is offline
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Son's gf & parents

My stepson has been dating a girl from school since we transferred him and he and his mother moved in with me. He's a good kid (for a 16 year old) in many regards and I'm proud to take him on as my own. Him and his GF have been dating since November. We are a very Christian Based family and have strong beliefs on teenage dating. Needless to say, we were not thrilled with them dating but it seemed to make his transition to this new school more palatable for him.

We have been keeping him on a very short leash with her and allow them to only spend time together 1 day a week heavily supervised. He has a curfew of generally 9:30 on weekends. We are in contact with the GF's parents regularly when they spend time together. They seem to be good people for the most part in our eyes but there are some things that to strike us as strange. Perhaps we are looking at this incorrectly.

Within a few weeks of them "dating" the GF's parents were inviting him and us to their family events. Birthdays, holidays, etc. We declined due to our own plans, but we allowed him to go. They took him in and accepted him right away it seemed. The family was buying him gifts and inviting him over all the time. We allowed him to go to his GF's grandmother's house a time or two and they seemed to treat him as if he and the GF were married. Things begin to seem very odd to us as to the speed this was all happening.
So we began to put the brakes on and limit the amount of time he goes to her grandmothers. I found out they are get plenty of "alone time to talk". Hence the reason we restricted his visits. The entire family is very pushy with him and a bit with us. It has became worse as time goes on.

They clearly do not have the same value system as we have. He has never asked if she could come over nor would we allow it. She has been respectful to my Wife and I until recently.

He is on his phone a lot. Way to much as a matter of fact as we noticed during this next encounter. He was wanting to see her as her parents invited him over on a weekend. So we allowed, but had the 9:30 curfew in affect. Her mother was not happy with this apparently. He showed me a SnapChat from his GF's mother. This was not the first time. They have been SnapChatting for awhile I found out. In this particular snapchat text she was mad that he had to be back so early. "Don't they know you're 16???", is what the text read. He was upset and showed me. I quickly put the stops to an Adult, Married woman texting a 16 year old boy. That was ended on the spot. So needless to say, I lost a lot of respect for the mother for basically trying to drive a wedge between the boy and his parents.

Our boy is very active in sports. Particularly basketball as it just finished up. His GF and her parents were at EVERY single game. Home and away. They arrived very early and sat as close as they could to the team. This didn't really bother me, but struck me as very odd. They always made sure they were the first to talk to him when the team was finished with the game and coming out of the locker room. They would literally wait by the locker room door for the kids to come out from changing. It was very odd to me. So much so that they were actually told by the coach they can't be in that area at all. So this was all getting very annoying. We and our values seem to be really getting on their nerves and I don't understand why. We also found out that the GF's mother was bringing him dinner before the game. I had been taking him something to eat after school and she new this. I guess she wanted to win him over with some Taco Bell. Which, by the way is over 30 minutes round trip from their house to the school. I try to be patient and understanding with people who may have never been shown what reasonable behavior is. But I must confess I am at my limit. Especially after the most recent events.

Recently, I was walking past my boy while he was on his phone. I glanced down at it and saw a picture of his GF that was less than ideal. She was wearing a sports bra and panties. Knowing she is a 16 year old child I quickly summoned my wife. We talked to the boy about this and how inappropriate it was and tried to express our anger as constructively as we could. My wife called the GF's mother and explained the situation with her. The GF's mother seemed upset and said she would handle it. She also mentioned that her daughter had been in trouble for this in the past. The next day, the GF called my wife and told her that the picture wasn't her and it was another girl the our son had been talking to "on the side". Her mother then got on the phone and said basically the same thing and how disappointed they are in our son and how could he do this and so on. That their daughter knows better than to ever send any pictures like that.

Since Snapchat pictures disappear after a while, we had no proof other than my word and that of our son's. He assured us it was in fact was his GF and he said he didn't know why she would say that. He was genuinely confused. We sat down and talked to him as we often do. He was very open with us and told us he knew it was wrong. He let us have his phone on the spot to show us he doesn't take pictures like that and from what we saw he didn't. He even knew it was wrong. He also said this isn't the first time his GF had sent him pictures like this. The day after this, her mother calls my wife again and tells her that her daughter was confused over which picture we were talking about. That it indeed could have been her and that she misunderstood.

So now here we are. We have our kid's GF lying to my wife about a serious issue. My mindset right now is to kill the entire thing and to do our best to keep them away from each other. This is going to be difficult I know as they are in school together, but something must be done. Am I over reacting? Am I being to judgmental of these people?

Ideas?

p.s. Sorry for the long post, I needed to get things off my chest. lol.
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Old March 23rd, 2017, 10:09 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Son's gf & parents

You are not over-reacting. Sending pics like that is not only a bad idea for the kids involved because of morals, reputation, etc. but kids can also be charged with the crime of child pornography. And this wasn't her first time? Remove snap-chat and if your plan allows it, block pics totally.

You are also not being judgmental. It is your job to help children grow up and guide them. It is your job to judge! And since the mother felt she could criticize your parenting, she would no longer be on the "safe list." And their behavior of rushing a relationship and overstepping enough to get the notice of the coach? Again, follow your gut!

My rule for my children dating was tough. They had to have a job, a car, a license, and insurance. It's not a date if I'm driving and paying. Both of my sons are in their 20's and, although one really pushed back, they both say it was a good rule.

Since you've already allowed your son to date, that above probably won't work for you, but, this girl and her parents have shown herself to be of questionable character. Putting up demands may drive him away, however, you need to still set appropriate boundaries. He can still talk to her at school, but he wouldn't be permitted to go anywhere with her or her family.

If you and your wife agree, perhaps you'll loosen up a little and let her spend time with your supervision. Maybe that will help the relationship cool and she'll move on.

Good luck. It's hard work, but the best work you'll ever do.
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Old March 23rd, 2017, 11:30 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Son's gf & parents

I'm all over the place with this one. LOL. I know what I'd do, but I also know what mistakes I have made in retrospect. So let me start out by saying I'm in 100% agreement with your mindset and Lucy's mindset. I have known so many moms like that... who do everything they can to be their teenaged child's "friend." They buy the alcohol, they leave for weekends. Honestly, in my opinion, very few of those moms have kids who benefited from that. The mom trying to drive a wedge between a boy and his parents is a huge red flag, as is the quick desire for closeness between the families.

I think the Big Picture thing to stay focused on is that this is a temporary relationship. You don't want him making mistakes, but this girl is going to be a distant, and embarrassing, memory five years from now.

That said, what I worry about is your relationship with your son. It sounds like he is respectful and for a 16yo boy, you are very lucky! But you've got this girl and her mother putting ideas in his mind and he is bound to get confused and conflicted between the morals which you are instilling and the desires which they are tempting. That is, unfortunately, completely normal. The more he trusts them, the harder it will be for him to stay on the right path. They will paint you as controlling, and not interested in what's best for *him* (because their idea of what's best for him is different from your idea). Part of him will feel flattered, part will feel curious, and he will end up questioning your motives.

This is exactly what happened with my (now 20yo) daughter's first boyfriend, except he was completely independent of his parents and managed to warp her into thinking that she and I shouldn't have a close relationship either because I didn't really want what is best for her. So I will warn you, from firsthand experience, to be careful not to step in the minefield of being seen as "controlling" because that makes the girlfriend's mom feel justified in "saving" your son from you.

My suggestion to you would be to let your son figure this out on his own as much as possible, while guiding him along the way. It's a very fine line to walk; you have to be encouraging yet discouraging at the same time. You can't ever disparage the girl or her mom because that will make him feel the need to defend them. Maybe what I'm trying to say is to keep him focused on the Big Picture and trust that he will eventually figure out that this girl isn't what he is looking for, nor is he what the girl is looking for. If you force him to break up with her, if YOU end the relationship, he will resent that. Do you know that saying "He convinced against his will is of the same opinion still?"

Sorry to be so long-winded. To cut to the chase, what I would do if I were in your shoes would be to encourage beneficial relationships with other boys his age. If your son is active in sports, he has teammates and hopefully there may be a few of those he can spend time with. If you can, make it great "bro bonding" experiences where the GF would be out of place... professional sports games (where you control the number of friends he can bring). You mentioned in another post that you live on a farm - can you have a Guys Campout some weekend? Afternoons of video games and pizza?

Then, this might be counterintuitive, but I'd let him see the GF more. Heavily supervised still, of course. But invite her over to do chores with him. Pull her in to *your* family rather than letting her mom pull him in to *theirs*. My thought is that the more time he spends with her, the more his eyes will open. The more time she spends with you, the more her eyes will be open to what expectations you have for your son.

Talk to your son about his future wife. Ask him how he wants his future wife behaving right now, and how he wants her current boyfriends treating her. Tell him to be the boyfriend he wants his future wife to have.

Finally, gently help him see the issues with his girlfriend. Not in an authoritarian way, but in a compassionate way. "I'm so sorry she falsely accused you of having someone on the side. That must hurt." "Oh, I hate to hear that she lied like that. Why do you think she did?" "Her mom said that? Really? Hmmmm."
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Old March 24th, 2017, 12:41 PM
scatteredmusician scatteredmusician is offline
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Re: Son's gf & parents

I agree with both of the posters above. It is a difficult job to walk that fine line that promotes truth, growth, family but that does not control or appear to do that. Good idea to bring the GF to your house so that everything she does is seen in the light of you Christian home and ideals. I have heard the 5 characteristic of a thriving family are: conversation, laughter, time spent together, prayer and regular family dinners. Family conversation is so important. It promotes a feeling of family identity and belonging. Find laughter whenever you can - it strengthens bonds with your family.
Continue to pray and build your family along those line. Ask for God's guidance and protections around your family. I have prayed for you all. I asked for your son's faith to grow ad for him to see the GF for who she is, and that he needs to wait for the person God has for him. Blessings.
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Old August 3rd, 2017, 08:52 PM
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NguyenloiMoving NguyenloiMoving is offline
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Smile Re: Son's gf & parents

I think you are ver strict on the way to control your stepson and his GF. Although you take care their relationship, you should listen their feeling. Love is not a guity. God bless you and your family
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