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Old October 18th, 2017, 03:37 PM
Lwb1871 Lwb1871 is offline
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Question Jealous Daughter in law?

I had a good relationship with my daughter in law for 10 years. But, since my daughter has come back into our lives and is doing beautifully on medication and therapy for social anxiety disorder, my dil does not want to come see us or be around. She has not said these words but her actions show it. And my daughter told me my dil told her she was not welcome in the family along with a lot of derogatory remarks when they were alone at one point.
We have not consciously treated her any different, but I am sensing jealousy and resentment. I value my relationship with my dil and of course, my son so I am not sure how to proceed. And I am thrilled to have my daughter back!
Should I just let time take itís course or talk to her about it? She tends to be very defensive. My daughter picked up on this last time we were all together and hugged my dil and asked her if she was okay. My dil told her she was fine.
I just donít like the sense of floating hostility in the house whenever she comes around.
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Old October 18th, 2017, 03:58 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Jealous Daughter in law?

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Originally Posted by Lwb1871 View Post
And my daughter told me my dil told her she was not welcome in the family along with a lot of derogatory remarks when they were alone at one point.
I suspect your DIL may have something besides jealousy against your daughter. Before your daughter received treatment successfully, how did she behave toward your DIL? That may give a clue as to what is going on between them.

Although this is your daughter, and you love her and want the best for her, it would serve your family best if you allow them to sort it out. As adults, they don't need your mama-bear instincts involved.

You could talk to your DIL, but she already said she was fine. For whatever reason, she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about this. She's actually being very prudent not complaining about your daughter to you. Therefore, let it go and refer them to each other to work things out.

The one caveat-- you have the right to set rules in your own house. If things get tense, or there's bad behavior, you can tell them both that they may not argue or call names, etc. in your home.

Good luck. It isn't easy to navigate these waters!
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Old October 18th, 2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: Jealous Daughter in law?

Ditto to what Lucy said.

One addition, though. How is the relationship between your daughter and your son? The DIL might know something you don't. I have almost your exact situation except I'm the DIL. I know something my MIL doesn't.
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Old October 18th, 2017, 08:55 PM
Lwb1871 Lwb1871 is offline
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Re: Jealous Daughter in law?

They have a good relationship. Good communication with each other and he is very caring towards her.
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Old October 18th, 2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: Jealous Daughter in law?

Okay, well then the similarities in our situation ended.

In my case, my MIL doesn't know the truth of how my SIL treats/has treated my DH (or me or our kids). She just sees what SIL chooses to present to her. I'm like your DIL. I keep my mouth shut and keep my distance. My husband is welcome to have a relationship with my SIL (he avoids her also), but because of her behavior I don't want the kids or I to have anything to do with her if it could be avoided. I would not tell her that directly, unless I was specifically put on the spot and asked. If my MIL asked me if everything was okay, I'd say yes too.

I think you ought to make plans to spend time with your son and DIL away from your home (and without your daughter). Let them know, by your actions and not words, that you want to have a relationship with them outside of your daughter being part of it.

And don't bring up the problem with your DIL. Let them work it out.

Is your daughter married?
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Old October 19th, 2017, 09:24 PM
pam4him pam4him is offline
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Re: Jealous Daughter in law?

So sorry for the relationship issues. It's great your daughter is doing so well. Is DIL an only child? She may not know how to share your attention. Kind of like having that second child and the first one gets jealous. Or perhaps she had someone in her life with similar issues as DD, and it is creating some anxiety for DIL. She may not even realize she is reacting differently. It may be that with time she will come around. Assure her she is loved and important to the family. Maybe take opportunities for occasional one on one time with her. Prayers for peaceful resolution.
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Old October 20th, 2017, 09:35 PM
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Smile Re: Jealous Daughter in law?

No she is one of 3 siblings. Hopefully during the holidays we can have some fun times together. Thanks for the prayers, they are needed!🙏
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Old October 21st, 2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: Jealous Daughter in law?

I hope it all works out for y'all.

I think if you value your relationship with your DIL and she doesn't want to be around your daughter, a good idea would be to spend time with your son and DIL without your daughter being there.
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Old November 17th, 2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Jealous Daughter in law?

I hope it all comes together for everyone involved.

My thoughts are, your DIL loves you very much and your family and she doesn't want to see you hurt. Plus, you have probably withdrawn from her a little, as you probably only have so much time for her now that your daughter is back in your life.

People do not do things for one reason...but many....

Maybe DIL is a tad leary for very good reasons....
She doesn't want to see you hurt, she knows more about the woman then you really do, she wants to take it slow. Remember we all don't take being hurt the same way...some people once hurt, twice shy? Others are very forgiving and enabling...others are cautious, and btw your DIL is acting, maybe she was very hurt by something your daughter did, and can't forget, she can forgive, but, she is unable to forget, and that is between the two of them.

I used to forgive and actually be afraid of hurting people...so I'd enable them to hurt me...use me, etc....no more...I'm like your DIL now and sadly it doesn't take much, so, let them work it out between the two of them, try and stay out of it, the less you know the better and be loving to both of them, but don't expect your DIL to be a loving mother like you are, she cannot be, for whatever reasons. Maybe someday you'll know, and maybe not, but make certain you don't push your DIL aside trying to make up for the time you've missed with your Daughter.

Your DIL has been there for you....so...remember that.
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