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  #21  
Old May 29th, 2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

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Originally Posted by snafu View Post
...snip...I also feel its not my place to tell other adults what to do with their time and money. Just as I would never tell someone how many kids to have or how to parent their kids, I would also not tell someone they have to do something for a parent.
the above comment is how I feel about my sisters .... Ya'll have kicked me in the backside when needed before .... and I do value your input - otherwise I wouldn't ask for it.


I realize everyone here is giving my their 2 cents out of care & concern ... so...

when I send hotel info, etc. to my sibs I will also mention the bed and breakfast within 10-15 minutes of where I live and the YMCA lodge about 90 minutes away (which is a trip DM can handle).... if case anyone wants to take DM for a vacation
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  #22  
Old May 29th, 2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

Okay, well prepare for a kick in the backside then, out of care and concern.

You need to do what you need to do, and I know that you are trying to do the right thing. I understand that you believe the best solution is for your mom to come live with you, and it very well might be. I just can't get a handle on what your expectations are and I am concerned for you that you aren't being realistic about what is going to happen. This is all my opinion and my opinion only. It is not intended to be unsupportive.

From everything you have posted about what has been going on in your life for the last couple of years, there are going to be stressors that I'm worried you aren't thinking about.

First of all, if my memory is correct, next year will be your DS's last year in high school. That is huge. It is a time of excitement as he goes through "the last" everything, but it is also a time when the impending Empty Nest will loom large. There will be college applications, college visits, scholarship applications, then the actual move. You will want to spend every possible second with him. That will be difficult and I worry that you will be upset at how the year ends up going. That is time you can never get back.

You have posted before that when your mom is there visiting, she doesn't like when you do things that you enjoy (like cooking new foods). You want to go out and do things but you feel bad leaving her behind. You want to have a holiday off. With your mom there, there will be no "snafu time". Your ability to do the activities which you do to recharge your batteries will be severely limited. You posted that you are excited and want to help her do a bucket list, but does she want to do a bucket list?

Then your siblings. I know you don't get along with them and I know they aren't exactly loving children towards your mom. But the way it is going to be set up, you are "taking over" your mom and making it difficult for them to maintain a relationship with her. If your twin never brings up you or your DS to your mom, realistically she is not going to come to your house to visit your mom. Your OS isn't going to be able to visit your mom without your supervision. Driving to your town, staying in a hotel, coming over to visit... I just don't see that happening. They aren't going to take her for a "vacation" to a nearby B&B. Your sisters will resent you for that, even if it's their fault. They will blame you, not take the blame on themselves. Then you will be upset at how they treat your mom.

What happens when medical and financial decisions need to be made? At some point it will happen that her children will need to make those decisions for her. You will be the person who has to make those decisions, because you are the one she is living with, you are the one most aware of her situation. That is a no win for you, because your siblings will resent that.

My opinion is that YOU need to involve your sisters. You can't put that on your mom. Personally, I couldn't do it. I know you can't tell them what to do or how to spend their money, (although you are telling them they have to stay in a hotel and take your mom out if they want to spend alone time with her) but you stepping in like this alleviates any need for them to do anything and then they get the added benefit of being able to blame you for them not doing anything. I really think that before your mom moves in, you need to contact your sibs and ask them what they intend to do to help you take care of your mom. Then hold them to it. Invite them to visit regularly. Let them know "Mom needs X and can't afford it. We need to each chip in $." Give them updates on how she is doing (medically and financially) and ask their opinion on things when you need to make decisions. Honestly? I think that will be the hardest part of the whole situation for you.

The advantage to assisted living (and I understand that the disadvantages outweigh it for you) is that it's neutral turf. Your sisters can't blame you for their failure to visit, an independent third party will be reporting issues and needs, etc. I realize that's not an option for your mom, but I really encourage you to list out all of the reasons AL would be better and figure out how to accomplish that at your home. Please walk into this situation with your eyes WIDE OPEN.

Sorry to be such a meanie. I do support what you are doing and admire your big heart.
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  #23  
Old May 30th, 2016, 02:21 PM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

ok


...btw DM's "bucket list" is 1 item

to go _______ Restaurant, which was featured on Oprah years ago
At this time I'm planning on taking a personal day mid Sept. so we can go.


My sister's can visit DM in my home - they always stay in hotels when they visit DM in hometown. I've shined my spine and won't rug sweep stuff I used to.


The bed and breakfast - they might enjoy (its beautiful) & there is a paved wooded trail that everyone could enjoy -
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Last edited by snafu; May 30th, 2016 at 02:29 PM.
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Old May 30th, 2016, 05:11 PM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

That sounds nice. I didn't realize your mom was mobile enough for that.
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Old May 31st, 2016, 08:09 PM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

DM needs assisted living, not a nursing home ....

the way it was explained to me is that assisted living is for people who need help sometimes (25% of the time) with things like the shower, getting dressed, etc.; but the staff takes care of cooking(grocery shopping), laundry, light house keeping, some linens, and (depending on the place) transportation to & from appointments is either free, or you're charged mileage + $$ per hour.

( I make the analogy that its kind of like an all inclusive resort - without the scenery)
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Old July 3rd, 2016, 08:12 PM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

update?
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  #27  
Old July 3rd, 2016, 08:15 PM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

she moves in the end of this week ....

I've got post-its on the walls where her stuff is supposed to go

we've gotten rid of stuff we were planning on getting rid of anyway
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  #28  
Old July 6th, 2016, 08:02 PM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

Thinking of you this week Snafu xx
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  #29  
Old July 8th, 2016, 07:41 PM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

Hope you (all) are having the best possible transition, Snafu.
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  #30  
Old July 13th, 2016, 05:40 PM
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Re: DM and assisted living/living w\snafu

Just checking in .... still organizing stuff .... doing fine
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