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Old April 10th, 2017, 05:33 AM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
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What does DS want from me?

Hi all. It has been a while since I have posted.

My DS is 18 in 4 weeks... In the last 12 months, (since he was 16), it has been a very trying time.

DS is a very jealous boy. His father passed away when he was only 5. I have been in stable relationships since his father passing. One being 7 years, 3 years spent on my own, then 4 years with my last partner.

My last partner and I have had a difficult relationship but, nothing violent. DS never had any issues with me seeing someone, was always respectful and actually got on very well with the chosen partners.

My last partner helped him get his bike license, spent time with him, helped him fix his bike when needed. Was super nice to him..

6 months ago, he started distancing himself and just abused all opportunities given to him. He lost his bike license and his job. It is like he sabotaged every opportunity given to him. Then blamed everyone else for his problems.

One night, DS stole my partners bike. We were both besides ourselves as it was a performance bike. Once we found DS and the bike ok, we had to discuss how we were going to handle this situation. DS was not sorry at all for what he did, even made jokes about it, yet my partner treated him with nothing but respect after the fact. Even helped him fix his bike just 2 days later!!

After everything had died down, I talked to DS and said lets talk about this. Why did he feel the need to do this. He admitted that he wanted to break us up. He didn't like my partner and didn't know why I was with him.... He got what he wanted. 2 months later, my partner left.

I am so hurt. My partner was nothing but supportive from him. I am madly in love with my partner, but, we can't be together now.

What am I meant to do here. I won't abandon my son, but, why should he have control over what I do? When I try to help him, he just disregards what I say, he doesn't respect me, he abuses our home, he comes and goes when he pleases and ironically, now I am alone, he doesn't want to do anything with me.

I have expressed how hurt I feel but, it appears to fall on deaf ears. It is like he has won so he doesn't care
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Old April 10th, 2017, 07:40 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: What does DS want from me?

I am so sorry for your pain.

I don't know what your son wants. He probably doesn't know what he wants. This is a hard and confusing age. Have you considered family counseling?

I can tell you, that like your son, I was not happy when my mother found a new partner. He was very good to me, but I just didn't want another person in my life telling me what to do. Thankfully, my mother followed her own heart and chose all of us.

Your son can't really hear how hurt you are because he is still a child. You are his mother and he's not responsible for your feelings.

Why did you and your partner break up?
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Old April 12th, 2017, 06:38 AM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
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Re: What does DS want from me?

Hi Lucy thanks for your response.

We tried counselling separate and together, but, he soon decided he didn't want to go or participate.

I don't know what he wants either. Like a typical child, he only wants what he wants. While you have something he wants he is your best friend. If you have nothing for him, he is not interested in you.

He doesn't respect anything. On the rare occasion I leave him home, I can guarantee something in the house will be broken.. A hole in the wall, Curtains broken.. Every light on in the house (I have a 2 storey place). Doors left open over night when he comes home at 3 am.

Our relationship was stressful due to working around commitments and children. The final straw was when my son stole my partners motorbike. My partner just couldn't get past it. If my son showed some remorse it may have been different. I will never know now.

Last edited by JaydeeTas; April 12th, 2017 at 06:46 AM.
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Old April 12th, 2017, 07:35 AM
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Re: What does DS want from me?

This is a rough situation.

I think it will help if you separate the two relationships, your son's and your ex's. It sounds like you blame your son for the failure of the relationship, and your son may very well feel like you would choose your ex over him. He doesn't understand that those are two very different relationships that shouldn't require a choice.

With your ex having left, focus on your relationship with your son and try to make that healthy. Try to help your son get healthy.

Your son's bad behavior may be due to jealousy as you say, or he may have something else going on, like prolonged grief disorder, an anxiety disorder, or another trauma he hasn't shared with you. He will be 18 shortly, but he's not, yet. You are the mother, and he lives in your house. You can make counseling a condition of his remaining in your house. He might not like it and he might resist it, but a good counselor will know how to work around that. This is what your son needs, even if he doesn't know what he wants.

Good luck. You're a good mom wanting the best for her son.
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Old April 16th, 2017, 04:54 AM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
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Re: What does DS want from me?

I don't blame my son for the failure of the relationship. My partner couldn't get passed what happened, and the relationship was rocky prior to the event..

I resent my son for the part in played, with the intent of ending my relationship with him.

DS knows he has nowhere to go. He has no family or friends that he can live with. I can attempt to make it a rule, but, my son will agree to anything but, not follow through. I cant leave my son homeless.. He has me over a barrel...
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Old April 16th, 2017, 08:50 AM
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Re: What does DS want from me?

I don't agree - you could help him make a plan to move out/be an adult...
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Old April 16th, 2017, 01:46 PM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
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Re: What does DS want from me?

Hi Snafu,

I have tried.. Many times. I have got him work, but, he quits within weeks.. He refuses to go back and study.. I even said I would pay him to go back to school. I run a business and offered him a job, he turned it down..

I support him as he has no money of his own.

I have restricted everything, given him the basic essentials.

I have sat down and talked to him about his life goals... He doesn't have any. I have taken him to meet people and experience difference jobs to find something he likes..

I have threatened him that if he doesn't get his life together and follow the very simple house rules, he can go live with his 3 friends in the 1 br unit they are in if he wants that kind of lifestyle.

It is now 5:40AM and I am still unable to sleep because DS left on his motorbike at 4:00AM. I have to work in 2 hours... I am so tired and worn out from broken sleep.

His washing is still on the floor from 3 weeks ago. I am about to throw it all out.

How else can I get this boy to understand. I have tried talking, counselling, going through his friends to try and get them to understand. I tried having an adult conversation, I have tried laying down the law. I have left notes for him to read when he gets home with tasks I want finished. Problem is when he's not getting to sleep until 7-8 AM and sleeping all day.

I have woken him up but, then I am the worst person in the world and I get spoken to like a piece of dirt, if I am not getting the silent treatment.

I am really at my wits end and ready to change all the locks and bar the windows.
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Old April 17th, 2017, 06:10 AM
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Re: What does DS want from me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaydeeTas View Post
I am really at my wits end and ready to change all the locks and bar the windows.
That is something that you can do as a last resort.

He doesn't have you over a barrel. There are no consequences to your son's bad behavior. You have power, authority. Why are you afraid to use it?
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Old April 17th, 2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: What does DS want from me?

Your son needs to learn their are consequences to bad behavior. No job... No money. You break the rules... You don't get a reward. Bad behavior does not get rewarded no way - no how.

Why would a person care what they do if someone is going to pick up the pieces for them? Why get a job if someone is going to give me money?

I know you love your son, but if he continues down this path... It will not get any better for him.

Sorry for your dilemma, but there's something to be said for tough love.

I'm sure your son know how to push your buttons when you confront him on issues. Don't get on the defensive - stick to your topic and the point you're trying to make. It's like this... You want the best for your son, but he is going to have to work for it.
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Old April 18th, 2017, 06:20 AM
JaydeeTas JaydeeTas is offline
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Re: What does DS want from me?

Thanks guys for your reply.

DS told me today that he won't be going to the job I sorted for him. It was more a trial but, the owner was giving him cash for fuel. I asked why and he said that he needed to go to the doctor appointments all week.

I said, "Why are you going to the doctor?"

He said, "I am going to the shrink, after all you are going to kick me out and make me live on the streets."

we had an altercation about him leaving at 4am and waking me up as mentioned in my previous post. I said that he needed to abide by the house rules or he will need to find someone else to live with his life choices. The above comment was all he got out of it.

I just said to him that going to see someone is a good idea and I will be happy to take part in any counselling. Not wanting to give him the reaction he was looking for.

He disregarded this and continued to rant how I wanted to be with "Mr Perfect" (My ex partner).. that he was sorry that he wasn't a good enough son (this is him being sarcastic), finishing it off with, "you expect me to be an adult but, I am only 17".... He is 18 in two weeks!

I said I never expected perfection, I expected someone to find work if he wasn't going to go to school, who would follow house rules and be respectful. No response..

There have been consequences. Maybe I didn't explain that. I do not give him money and have not for at least 4 months. He borrows off his friends. We do not do activities together, I buy the essentials for food not "treats". When I say support, I mean he has somewhere to live etc.

I don't allow friends over. There is his bike, I know I could not allow him to ride, however, I attempted to do this before when he got a ticket for speeding and he refused to give me his key. It nearly got physical, that's how bad it was.

I hope that he includes me in the counselling, otherwise, I can only imagine what DS is going to say.
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