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Old June 2nd, 2017, 10:16 PM
victorious victorious is offline
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My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

Because he's been together with my sister for so long, my brother-in-law has pretty much been a brother to me for many years which has been a comfort since our actual brother lives far away. Anyway I think it is pretty safe to say he is not a huge fan of my SO and neither is my sister, but she won't admit it.

It wasn't always like that. They got along well with my SO until he acted like a jerk in front of them a few times where he started such petty fights, two happening on a trip with them. After the second one at Christmas I told my SO that in spite of our long history together that I had enough of his change of behavior lately and that I was going to move out. That really got his attention and ever since then things have been really good with us reminding me of how things used to be before my SO's moody and snappy period. He's not completely off the hook but he's made so much effort to find himself and communicate and we haven't fought once since the Christmas situation.

I don't blame my BIL or my sister for ever feeling uncomfortable when they witnessed our arguments and don't expect them to just forgive or forget the past, but I feel like my BIL is taking out how he feels about my SO on me when I didn't do anything. When we are around people like at a family event he hugs me hello like he always has, won't ignore me if I'm talking at the table, and will be sociable. However if we are ever alone it's a little different. It's quiet and he looks at me like he's so annoyed with me. If he ever were to hear I were sick or anything like that he would normally drop me a text asking if I'm okay and the one time that happened this year he never once did that.

I don't want to start anything or make things worse so I haven't approached him. I at first tried to lightly crack my sister by half-jokingly bringing up the fact that her husband must be allergic to me and she always has an excuse like his job or his worry about his health because he had a health scare back in the winter (he's completely fine now, just has to go for tests every now and again). He backed out of going out to eat recently with just me, my sister, and my niece and when I brought up that he must be upset with me about something, her response was, Why would he be upset with you? You did nothing wrong.

I know I am babbling but it is getting to the point where I'm hurt. My BIL has always said he would be there for me and I feel like he's punishing me for something I didn't do. My sister nor him ever got involved in my SO and I's arguments, but the one thing they both said after one where I was outside in tears was I deserved better. I'm not asking him to be buddy buddy with my SO but I should at least get treated the way he always has, right? It's not like I force them to spend time together or ever dare to talk about my SO in front of him and even my sister lately.

I confided in one of my friends, who said she thinks in her opinion that my BIL is not angry with me but just angry with the situation with my SO but unfortunately he's taking it out on me because he cares about me and hated witnessing seeing me get hurt. She said men handle anger a little weirdly sometimes because it's easier to feel anger than have to deal with other emotions.

I don't know.
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Old June 2nd, 2017, 11:55 PM
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

I agree with your friend. Your brother-in-law doesn't hate you. He's actually feeling very protective of you and is probably really frustrated that you didn't believe him when he told you that you deserve better.

It sounds like your brother-in-law is expecting the other shoe to drop any time now.
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Old June 3rd, 2017, 08:40 AM
victorious victorious is offline
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

Thanks for what you said. It feels good knowing somebody else things that.

I completely understand why he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just wish he wouldn't be cold towards me.
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Old June 3rd, 2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

Have you thought about having a conversation with him about it? He probably doesn't feel like it's any of his business to bring it up - after all, you are an adult and can make your own choices - but might feel better knowing that you confronted your SO about it and what changes have happened. I would, if I were in his shoes.
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Old June 3rd, 2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

I want to and know he wouldn't dare bring anything up because people's relationships are their own personal business, but he already knows I have already addressed my SO about what happened and the ultimatum I gave him. I had made mention of this months ago.
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Old June 4th, 2017, 01:50 AM
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
I know I am babbling but it is getting to the point where I'm hurt. My BIL has always said he would be there for me and I feel like he's punishing me for something I didn't do. My sister nor him ever got involved in my SO and I's arguments, but the one thing they both said after one where I was outside in tears was I deserved better. I'm not asking him to be buddy buddy with my SO but I should at least get treated the way he always has, right?
This may not make sense to you, victorious, but I have been in the position of seeing someone I love in a relationship with someone who was way less than what she deserved. If I may try to explain...

The SO in question was a decent guy, so I didn't have an issue with him initially. There were times when he put her on a pedestal. But I witnessed two times when he said things that were so condescending to my family member, so unnecessary and immature, that I had to leave the room both times because my jaw dropped to the floor and I was worried I might say or do something I'd regret.

How *I* felt, and how I wonder if your BIL feels, was anger at my family member that she allowed that. I understood that she was in love with her SO, but I had known her since she was a small child. I knew that she was raised better, knew better, deserved better. And honestly, I believe that her SO also knew that. I believe that had she demanded to be treated better, he would have done so. Why was she tolerating that? I was upset with her for not smacking him when he so thoroughly deserved it (verbally if not physically ). Yet I knew if I said anything she'd defend him.

In my family member's case, she did end the relationship and our relationship has gone back to normal.

My point is... maybe your BIL is upset and frustrated at you which is why he is "punishing" you. Yes, your SO is the one who has done something wrong, but in the eyes of someone outside of your relationship, you have allowed it.

I don't mean to be a jerk. I think that talking to your BIL would go a long way - tell him that you know what your SO did was wrong and how you addressed it. I know that if I had been told that my family member gave her ex-SO the verbal smackdown he deserved for what he said in front of me, I would have been very relieved.

I hope that in some way, my story has been helpful to you. I can tell how much your BIL means to you, and I am sorry his behavior has been hurtful.
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Old June 5th, 2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

You have no idea how much I appreciate your perspective and your patience.

I really see what you mean and why my BIL might be how he is towards me. You're not a jerk at all!

If I talk to him I want to do it in person and without my sister's knowledge of it until after the fact because if I were to talk to him in front of her, it would not be effective. He would hold off on his true feelings and she would cover up everything, both preventing hurt from any party. My biggest fear is that he will say that he doesn't care what ultimatum I gave my SO that I can't change anything.
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Old June 5th, 2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

I'm glad you didn't feel "lectured" . Lectures are no fun at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
If I talk to him I want to do it in person and without my sister's knowledge of it until after the fact because if I were to talk to him in front of her, it would not be effective. He would hold off on his true feelings and she would cover up everything, both preventing hurt from any party. My biggest fear is that he will say that he doesn't care what ultimatum I gave my SO that I can't change anything.
You know your BIL best, so if that's how you think you ought to address it, then you're probably right.

Your BIL might say that, but if that's the worst thing that can happen it's not so bad, right? As long as the air is clear between you two. If he does say that, either he's wrong (in which case he will eventually, begrudgingly admit it) or he's right (in which case he'll be there to catch you when you fall). Only time will tell.

You are an adult and, right or wrong, get to make these choices for your life. He seems to know that and respect it. He would probably welcome the knowledge that you care about his opinion and understand why he feels that way, even if you don't act on his advice.
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Old June 6th, 2017, 01:59 AM
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
Because he's been together with my sister for so long, my brother-in-law has pretty much been a brother to me for many years which has been a comfort since our actual brother lives far away. Anyway I think it is pretty safe to say he is not a huge fan of my SO and neither is my sister, but she won't admit it.

It wasn't always like that. They got along well with my SO until he acted like a jerk in front of them a few times where he started such petty fights, two happening on a trip with them. After the second one at Christmas I told my SO that in spite of our long history together that I had enough of his change of behavior lately and that I was going to move out. That really got his attention and ever since then things have been really good with us reminding me of how things used to be before my SO's moody and snappy period. He's not completely off the hook but he's made so much effort to find himself and communicate and we haven't fought once since the Christmas situation.

I don't blame my BIL or my sister for ever feeling uncomfortable when they witnessed our arguments and don't expect them to just forgive or forget the past, but I feel like my BIL is taking out how he feels about my SO on me when I didn't do anything. When we are around people like at a family event he hugs me hello like he always has, won't ignore me if I'm talking at the table, and will be sociable. However if we are ever alone it's a little different. It's quiet and he looks at me like he's so annoyed with me. If he ever were to hear I were sick or anything like that he would normally drop me a text asking if I'm okay and the one time that happened this year he never once did that.

I don't want to start anything or make things worse so I haven't approached him. I at first tried to lightly crack my sister by half-jokingly bringing up the fact that her husband must be allergic to me and she always has an excuse like his job or his worry about his health because he had a health scare back in the winter (he's completely fine now, just has to go for tests every now and again). He backed out of going out to eat recently with just me, my sister, and my niece and when I brought up that he must be upset with me about something, her response was, Why would he be upset with you? You did nothing wrong.

I know I am babbling but it is getting to the point where I'm hurt. My BIL has always said he would be there for me and I feel like he's punishing me for something I didn't do. My sister nor him ever got involved in my SO and I's arguments, but the one thing they both said after one where I was outside in tears was I deserved better. I'm not asking him to be buddy buddy with my SO but I should at least get treated the way he always has, right? It's not like I force them to spend time together or ever dare to talk about my SO in front of him and even my sister lately.

I confided in one of my friends, who said she thinks in her opinion that my BIL is not angry with me but just angry with the situation with my SO but unfortunately he's taking it out on me because he cares about me and hated witnessing seeing me get hurt. She said men handle anger a little weirdly sometimes because it's easier to feel anger than have to deal with other emotions.

I don't know.

what does SO stand for?
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Old June 6th, 2017, 04:41 AM
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Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me?

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what does SO stand for?
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