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Old June 21st, 2017, 04:58 PM
anrivlz0707 anrivlz0707 is offline
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The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

Hi, newbie here. So two months ago I gave birth to my son (first time mom) My now fiancé and I have been together 2˝ years and recently got engaged. The problem is his parents. His dad is too controlling and his mom is too pushy, they both want things their way and actually cry when we won't give in yo their demands. My fiance's dad just got out of jail a few months ago. I'll be honest I don't like him and don't want to be around him. When we see them they always asked personal questions and we are always the topic of conversation, they demand that we bring our newborn around their whole family and always want things their way. Well here is the reason why I don't want my baby around them his dad is a register sex offender I don't feel comfortable having my baby around him, I also feel the same way. I don't know this person at all he was in jail the whole time my fiancé and I been together. His parents want us to come over with our son but he's not allowed around children and they get mad saying we are trying to keep him away from them and their family. His mom is too pushy she got hurt I wouldn't come to a birthday party I wasn't invited to and told her husband, he called and yelled at my fiancé. We been staying with my mom and they think we have people over every week to see the baby but we don't, I don't like a lot of people around him he's still a newborn. I want to got visit my family next year in another country and they think is a bad idea it makes me so mad bc I don't have any family here but my mom and brothers. Like they always talking when no one wants their opinion them get hurt bc they don't hear what they want to hear. They know no boundaries and always called my son their baby like no. They have started so many arguments in between us my postpartum depression got worse. My fiancé have told them to back out but like I said they know no boundaries. They always demand things and i feellike they won't respect our decisions bc they always got something to say. My fiancé is on my side but they just really don't uunderstand is like they always telling us how a marriage should be and how to raise our kid. Hes dad even try to pick our son's name just bc he's is the Grandpa he thought he have the right to. I feel intoxicate by his family they wants us to spend all the holidays with them like I got no family to spend them with or something. Before i gave birth we have to leave our apt. because of mole and we'd been staying with my mom ever since they got mad and said why we didn't stay with them even though he's dad can't be around our son and I don't wanna be around them. I love my fiancé and I wanna marry him but not his Family. PS this is the first grandkid on both sides and my fiancé is their only child.
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Old June 21st, 2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

The best way to answer questions is with a no.

Don't add anything else to it that's called JADEing, and allows for debate...

Others here will have more\ better advice
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Old June 21st, 2017, 06:37 PM
anrivlz0707 anrivlz0707 is offline
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

Believe me we try. Every time we said no to something whether is his mom or dad they always play victim and take it off on my fiancé creating issues in between us. At this point I just don't care anymore I'll be mean if I have to but won't tolerate this anymore.
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Old June 21st, 2017, 07:28 PM
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

Quote:
Originally Posted by anrivlz0707 View Post
Every time we said no to something whether is his mom or dad they always play victim and take it off on my fiancé creating issues in between us.
This is too bad.

He's not allowed around children because he's a sex offender. He's a child molester! Call the man's probation officer. Don't know who that is? Call the county probation department and tell them how he's trying to get access to your child.

Your child is more important than their whining, and that goes for your fiance'.

If you do not have a court-approved custody agreement, start researching that, too. Your fiance' is willing to sacrifice his son to please these people. You want to get the best protection in place now.
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Old June 21st, 2017, 09:21 PM
anrivlz0707 anrivlz0707 is offline
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

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This is too bad.

He's not allowed around children because he's a sex offender. He's a child molester! Call the man's probation officer. Don't know who that is? Call the county probation department and tell them how he's trying to get access to your child.

Your child is more important than their whining, and that goes for your fiance'.

If you do not have a court-approved custody agreement, start researching that, too. Your fiance' is willing to sacrifice his son to please these people. You want to get the best protection in place now.
My fiancé agrees with me but his dad just doesn't seem to understand. they demand pictures, text messages and video calls all the time. He's not even allowed have pictures
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Old June 22nd, 2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

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Originally Posted by anrivlz0707 View Post
My fiancé agrees with me but his dad just doesn't seem to understand. they demand pictures, text messages and video calls all the time. He's not even allowed have pictures
His dad will "understand" when he's back in jail. Why do the demands of a convicted sex offender matter?
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Old June 22nd, 2017, 01:18 PM
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

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Originally Posted by anrivlz0707 View Post
My fiancé agrees with me but his dad just doesn't seem to understand. they demand pictures, text messages and video calls all the time. He's not even allowed have pictures
I am going to say this as gently as possible, because I am really, really, really in your corner.

You are very overwhelmed right now, caring for a newborn and having to live in a sort of "unsettled" way (not having your own space). At a time when your instincts probably wanted to do some "nesting" you had to move out of your apartment. And now, at a time when you want to do some bonding with your fiancé and baby, your in-laws are not allowing you to form your own little capsule. They see you as part of their family, not a new one of your own. This is emotionally tough.

You probably know all of that. I was just putting it into different words.

Part of being overwhelmed is that you won't always have on the tip of your tongue the appropriate reactions to people overstepping. Long story I won't bore you with, but I still remember well (twenty two years later) the way I felt when my MIL overstepped with my newborn. I couldn't do anything but cry.

So here's my point. Just because your inlaws demand something doesn't mean they're going to get it. It doesn't matter how much they cry, how much they demand, how angry they get. No means no. And if you are uncomfortable saying "no," start off by saying "not right now" until you get comfortable with the no. You are in charge, you have the power.

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. Just because they're calling doesn't mean you have to pick up the phone. They are not paying your bills or putting the roof over your head. They don't make the rules; you do not need to be obedient to them.

It is wonderful that your fiancé agrees with you. Here is a wonderful piece of advice that someone gave me once. Start as you mean to finish. In other words, putting up boundaries is never easy, but if you don't put them up now it will never get easier. Your inlaws will learn exactly what it takes to get their desired results. If they tell you 15 times that they want something and you say no, but then give it to them on the 16th time, they will have learned that it takes 16 requests but they will get what they want. You HAVE to say no, mean it, and NOT GIVE IN. This is going to take a spine of steel on both your part and your fiancé's.

Consider it training for when your baby is a toddler and throws a tantrum for candy for breakfast. Because really, that's all your inlaws are -- grown up toddlers.

I wonder if your child's pediatrician would help? If you discuss the inlaws with him/her, they may be able to give you the support you need.
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Old June 22nd, 2017, 02:25 PM
anrivlz0707 anrivlz0707 is offline
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
I am going to say this as gently as possible, because I am really, really, really in your corner.

You are very overwhelmed right now, caring for a newborn and having to live in a sort of "unsettled" way (not having your own space). At a time when your instincts probably wanted to do some "nesting" you had to move out of your apartment. And now, at a time when you want to do some bonding with your fiancé and baby, your in-laws are not allowing you to form your own little capsule. They see you as part of their family, not a new one of your own. This is emotionally tough.

You probably know all of that. I was just putting it into different words.

Part of being overwhelmed is that you won't always have on the tip of your tongue the appropriate reactions to people overstepping. Long story I won't bore you with, but I still remember well (twenty two years later) the way I felt when my MIL overstepped with my newborn. I couldn't do anything but cry.

So here's my point. Just because your inlaws demand something doesn't mean they're going to get it. It doesn't matter how much they cry, how much they demand, how angry they get. No means no. And if you are uncomfortable saying "no," start off by saying "not right now" until you get comfortable with the no. You are in charge, you have the power.

TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. Just because they're calling doesn't mean you have to pick up the phone. They are not paying your bills or putting the roof over your head. They don't make the rules; you do not need to be obedient to them.

It is wonderful that your fiancé agrees with you. Here is a wonderful piece of advice that someone gave me once. Start as you mean to finish. In other words, putting up boundaries is never easy, but if you don't put them up now it will never get easier. Your inlaws will learn exactly what it takes to get their desired results. If they tell you 15 times that they want something and you say no, but then give it to them on the 16th time, they will have learned that it takes 16 requests but they will get what they want. You HAVE to say no, mean it, and NOT GIVE IN. This is going to take a spine of steel on both your part and your fiancé's.

Consider it training for when your baby is a toddler and throws a tantrum for candy for breakfast. Because really, that's all your inlaws are -- grown up toddlers.

I wonder if your child's pediatrician would help? If you discuss the inlaws with him/her, they may be able to give you the support you need.
Thank you for your advice and thanks everyone else.

Unfortunately I had try all this things and they don't understand. I had try little to no contact, setting boundaries before the baby was born, had my fiancé talked to them, saying no, I don't give in to their demands and try to be respectful to them. Is also things like calling him their "baby" or the grandpa want him to call "papi" which is "daddy" in English and like no no to everything like back off already you're are not his dad. I really just wanna get away from these people
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Old June 22nd, 2017, 05:24 PM
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

Quote:
Originally Posted by anrivlz0707 View Post
Unfortunately I had try all this things and they don't understand.
So what? They don't understand. So? Who cares if they understand? I don't understand why the planet rotates on its axis, but it still happens anyway.



Quote:
Originally Posted by anrivlz0707 View Post
I had try little to no contact, setting boundaries before the baby was born, had my fiancé talked to them, saying no, I don't give in to their demands and try to be respectful to them.
They can't make demands if they don't see you or talk to you. They don't get to dictate how you react to their behavior. You are allowed to stand up for yourself and you are REQUIRED to protect your baby.


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Originally Posted by anrivlz0707 View Post
Is also things like calling him their "baby" or the grandpa want him to call "papi"
This is actually a pretty common occurrence. My MIL did it too (at first) and I hated it. Correct them every time. Every Time. "He's not your baby, he's MY baby." "He's your grandbaby, not your baby." "His name is _______."

As far as calling the grandfather "papi", two things come to mind. First of all, your baby will call your father-in-law whatever your baby decides to call your father-in-law when he starts talking. I had a friend whose kids called her MIL "Pumpkin" and my friend (who won the lottery with MILs) has no idea why or how. Second of all, your baby will most likely call your father-in-law what you call him. So, assuming you do actually go around him, which you don't have to, don't call him "papi". Call him Grandpa or Pawpaw or whatever you want your child to call him. What did your fiancé call his grandparents? Start referring to your inlaws that way.

You really have a lot more control than you realize.


Quote:
Originally Posted by anrivlz0707 View Post
I really just wanna get away from these people
I can see why. Now, this might not make sense, but I think you and your fiancé need to figure out a way to move in to your own home. I know your mom isn't the problem, but I think it would help the two of you develop boundaries if you've got your own space.
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Old June 23rd, 2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: The In-laws dilemma: they want things their way only

I absolutely agree with everything KayKay has said. I too came from a positron of being scared if I said no. Of being guilted or threatened or shouted down for years.

People could tell me exactly what KayKay has said and the thought of the potential outcomes were too scary to bear. But actually once you click with "what can that person do if I say no?" and you realise very little unless they are willing to carry out a criminal act (fil would stand no chance nor could they apply for contact to the courts because of his record) it gets easier.

As Snafu said, don't JADE that's Justify, Argue, Defend out Explain. I've learnt the least you say to support your "No" ( at the end of the day no is no! ). The less drama that ensues. They can say anything and everything. They can call your baby theirs but at the end of the day who has your baby? YOU and your fiance! It can wind you up hearing them call your child theirs but as long as you react to that and feel threatened by that it becomes a continuing game. They can tell anybody anything they want it actually doesn't matter because the reality of the situating is what is contained within YOUR family unit of you, your fiancé and your child.

If you feel there maybe more escalating or malicious behaviour start to keep a file with any evidence you can document. In the event of it necessary to take a RO out on them. If it gets to much for you remember: you are under no obligation to communicate with them at all. Further remember any hurt feelings that come from you protecting your child is actually on your FIL's behaviour that deemed it necessary for him to receive his criminal record and not on you.
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