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Old August 1st, 2017, 06:06 PM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

I'm female (30s) and I live at home with my mother and brother (in his mid 20s).

I'll give a little background into my brother:

Me and my brother we used to get on reasonably well but now, things have changed. I remember last year, he stayed a lot in his room. Well, my mother would go to bed and then I would go to bed. Anyways, I noticed when we were both gone into bed, my brother would then get up. I remember one night, thinking - 'what the hell'. It was happening far too often and it seemed to me he was avoiding us. I can't for the life of me figure out why.

Another night, I was up late and he was out and he came home drunk and he was in a chatty mood with me then. He said to me if he had the money he would be gone from the house. In my mind, I was thinking - what on earth is so bad with home...If you don't want to be here, just go'. I wasn't going to start an argument with him though.
Conditions at home isn't bad. He was unemployed before but he's in full time employment now and my mother allowed him away free from bills to get him on his feet. So what on earth could be so wrong at home? He has the money to leave if he wishes but I suppose rent and bills will see him having a non existent social life.
(Bills at home are split between me and my mother and I think it's long time he starts paying his way. This hasn't been taken up with him yet so he has little pressure here).

Last winter nma new thing stated happening where when he went out with his friends, he wouldn't come back for a day or two. There were times when he came home absolutely tripping out of his mind. In my opinion there was more than alcohol at play here with him and I was thinking it was more to do with drugs.
(However, now them days seems to be left behind him somewhat. Well, he's not coming home tripping any more).

Earlier this year, he changed again some more. Before, although I got the feeling he was somewhat avoiding us at times, he did sometimes speak to us somewhat from time to time. Like, I'm not on his back or anything, giving out to him or giving sarcastic comments or whatever. I'm a firm believer in positivity and I pick out positives and compliment him when it's due. Not only that, my job is demanding, so sometimes I'm just too busy.
Anyways, earlier this year his moods changed. He would come home from work and not a word would be spoken to me or our mother. Not even a hello to us. He attitude completedly stank from high heavens. A recent development is where is rages at the old dog for barking. I put his attitude down to being busy with work but to be honest, not any more.
My mother doesn't ask a lot of my brother, some small jobs around the house from time to time and reluctantly done with a sour face and not a word.

Earlier in the year, he started dating a girl (early 20s). They weren't long together when one evening he came home after being out and he came into the kitchen and said to our mother he has his girlfriend with him and they are going to his room. He didn't even ask our mother, he just came in and said she is here and that's that. That was on a Saturday evening. It was Sunday evening before she left. They weren't even introduced. They stayed in his room all the time.

After that, he started to take her around every weekend where she would come in on a Friday evening and then she mightn't even go home until Sunday evening. Then he started taking her home midweek too. Not only that, she started to leave some of her belongings in his room like toiletries and clothes.

Our mother, she wasn't happy with this. She felt that the girlfriend was moving in. Our mother didn't say anything to my brother though but she became increasingly resentful of the situation and of the girl. Also, somewhere in all the weeks she's been coming in, my mother met her. My mother didn't take to the girl at all. My mother said to me, the girlfriend looks very high maintenance and my mother feels that she won't be good for my brother in that she will probably only care about herself.

Me, I never met her so I can't judge her. I do think he's going in too deep, too quick with this girl and he's investing a lot in her. What I mean by this, is that, I think it's important to have a life away from a partner too. I think it was too heavy bringing her home 2/3 times a week. They also work together. It looks to me that they are living in each others pockets. I don't think that's very good for a new relationship.
A few weeks ago, he came to me and asked me do I have a spare toothbrush and it was for the girlfriend. Without thinking I went to my room and brought out a new toothbrush. It was only afterwards I was kicking myself in how obliging I was. The first time he speaks to me in weeks, nicely and without a grunt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So what has happened now lately?

Things all blew up in the house with my brother and mother. He has the week off. My asked him to do something and he grunted. My mam then chased him up the hall telling him about his personality transplant etc and all hell broke loose. My mother tells him that the girlfriend is banned from the house and she's not welcome here anymore. He began a rage. A pure rage with fists etc breaking a hole in a door. I had to go up the hall and tell them to please stop fighting. Please stop. I saw him standing over our mother and I feared. He started raging at me to shut up. He eventually left the house for the day.

He then turns the table on me. He says to me in front of our mother, considering my girlfriend is not welcome here anymore, you cannot have your boyfriend here any more either.

That was rich coming from him. First of all, when my boyfriend stays over, he knows how to go home again the next day. Not only that, he's not moving in leaving his belongings in my room. Not only that, he does not get cold and asks for the heat on unlike the girlfriend. I'm also paying towards all the household bills. My brother pays not a penny. Not only that, me and my mother needed help a few weeks ago and who helped us? It wasn't my brother. It was my boyfriend.


My mother has a real hatred for this girl. She seems to think she is the driving force behind his moods. He used to help around the home before from time to time but since she came on the scene, he hasn't helped all that much. Like we have an overgrown garden that he used to cut but it's been completely neglected now.
My father is long gone. My mother maybe feels the need to have a man in the house for whatever reason and maybe she feels she is losing him to the girl.
Also, I don't think my mother is happy seeing my brother putting this new girl before the family. My mother said to me yesterday that, of course he has to go out and date but you don't dump your family. Something on them lines. I can see where she is coming from with this.

Not only that, my mother has a new worry. The girlfriend went away on a three and half week foreign holiday with friends. She is back now about a week and she's still not back at work. My mother has a new worry. The girlfriend is not long in her employment and my mother cannot see how this girl has got 5 weeks holiday off work. All of this would not be paid time off work. There's something not sitting right with my mother here. Coming home from holidays, one would generally be broke. My mother feels it is my brother funding date nights and meals out ect. Does that make sense? I think I might actually agree with my mother here on this one.

So what do I do now? My brother left the house today without saying a word to anyone. He's not home and I don't expect him to be back anytime soon.

I hate to see how things have gone here. I don't want to see my mother and brother falling out. He's very stubborn and he probably wants an apology from our mother or whatever. That's never going to happen.
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Old August 1st, 2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

I'm sorry for this bad situation. It must be awkward for you.

Your brother is old enough and seems to want to leave the family home and make his own way in the world. Maybe I don't have all of the facts, but I think this is healthy.

Do you mind me asking what the cultural norm is for you where you live? Do adult children live with their parents until they marry? I know that's normal in many cultures.

You seem to side with your mother. I perceive that your mother may be tromping on some boundaries. On one hand, I subscribe to the "my house my rules" theory too. But on the other hand, your brother (and you) are old enough to want to write your own rules. Your mom would be wise to remember that your brother is going to fall in love with and select as a spouse who HE wants, and it won't matter what your mom thinks. The fastest way to get herself removed from his life is for her to think she has the right to make decisions for him.

First, it doesn't matter who pays for what on their dates. It's none of your mom's business. Maybe the girl lost her job, maybe she got a new job so she and your brother wouldn't work together anymore so is between jobs, maybe she is taking advantage of your brother. But if your brother doesn't mind paying for her, your mom has to keep her mouth shut. It is not your mom's money.

Second, if your brother loves this girl and is considering marriage to her, he is absolutely correct to put her over family. That will be the foundation of a healthy marriage.

What do you do now? I think you and your mom need to start gently encouraging your brother to fly the nest. My opinion is that his personality changes have come in part because he is ready to leave and resents himself for still being there. It seems to me he's trying to get himself kicked out to make the decision easier.
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Old August 2nd, 2017, 05:11 AM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

Thanks for your reply.

In my country, it is not common for people to continue living at home until they marry. That's not it at all. Many people do move out from family homes well before a marriage takes place.

In my country, there was a severe recession. I rented my own place for some years. My wage dropped dramatically and I found myself struggling to pay rent. I could have continued on in the rental apartment but if I did, I would have very little money after paying rent for anything else. I would struggled to pay for food bills or if I needed new shoes. I know some women have a love affair with shoes. Not me, I buy one good pair of flat shoes a year and they can last 12-14 months. I was on the verge of being homeless.

As for my brother, a lot of it is still age. He's still relatively young at 26. He was unemployed for some time and on benefits but he's on his feet now.

There's nothing stopping him from moving out from home. He's not happy at home and I can see that. I don't know why he's not happy. Me and our mother, we are not nagging him and he has peace in the house.
My brothers wage is better than mine. I work hard and I hardly make 250 euro a week. He'd be taking in the best part of 400 euro a week, more when there is overtime. My brother would be able to afford to move out, if he finds things so unpleasant, but he realises his social life will take a dive and he would have to budget for rent, bills, food.


I haven't sided with my mother as such. I think she is being unreasonable somewhat. Some of the stuff that she says to me is crazy. Like, yesterday, my mother was tidying his room and she discovered more of the girlfriends belongings and came to the conclusion the girlfriend is leaving her stuff just to anger her. I think it was nuts.

However, I can see to some degree where my mother is coming from especially in relation to the girlfriends holiday and suspecting she is broke. That does make sense to me.
At the end of the day, this is still only a relatively new relationship of about 7-8 months. My has never met the girl properly. That aspect was missing from the start. There was no introduction from my brother. My mother met her bumping into her in the house and only for a few minutes. There is no ring on this girls finger. My mom feels my brother is now supportting this girl financially and I think maybe my mom is right here. The girlfriend is on her 5th week off from work. In my county this week there is horseracing and festival going on. My brother bought a suit for it last week and they are planning on going this week. A day at the races would cost a few hundred. My mom feels my brother is paying and financing a lot.
My mom doesn't want to see him being taken advantage of, that's all.

My mom came across receipts for the suit and other bits and pieces. It's all very expensive. I know of a good clothing store and I was pricing a suit not so long ago for trousers, jacket, waistcoat, shirt - 230 euro. My brother spent double that on a suit.
My mom also found a receipt for a jewelry shop for 100 euro. According to Facebook it's not her birthday yet.

Me, I'm furious at this to be quite honest. He doesn't even pay 5 euro towards a bill at home and he's more than happy to leave the bills on the backs of me and our mother. Lately, especially with his moods, I just see him as being callous. I think he should be helping at home now and learn how to budget or just move out and see how much money he will have for buying lavish gifts and meals out.
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Old August 2nd, 2017, 05:24 AM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

'The fastest way to get herself removed from his life is for her to think she has the right to make decisions for him.'


I suspect my mom feels, she is losing her son to this girl and she is becoming resentful of the girlfriend.
I don't think my mom is trying to make decisions for my brother. She has a gut instinct about the girl and she wants him to do well. She feels this girl is too high maintenance and will drag him down.

I do feel ganging up on the brother about the girlfriend isn't going to help her and will push him further away. He's been distant for a while even before the girl came on the scene.
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Old August 2nd, 2017, 05:50 AM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

Something else I didn't write about in the original thread.

My brother has been distant for some time really. He hardly talked. In recent months, on the few occasions he did talk to our mom, he was sarcastic and severly critical of her.

I don't like that. I don't have a problem with criticism but to be overly critical. I think there is something wrong with be overly critical.
Our mom, she likes to shop in secondhand shops and she found an ornament that she liked for 50cent. She was happy with it and showing it to us when she got home. My brother couldn't have a good word to say about it. I thought it was a bit rich from him to be honest.

Anyways, our mother needed a new ironing table. My brother is the only one in the house with a car. My mom didn't want to ask him could he take her shopping because he was in a bad mood and she didn't want his help if he couldn't do so graciously.
So with that, I checked on online shops for an ironing table. I searched all around online on online shops from my own country. Eventually, me and mom found something. The price was good too and it was reduced too. I ordered it for my mom.

When it came in the mail, and my brother saw it, some weeks later, he said to my mom - 'you know that ironing table you two bought, I saw the exact same one for 10 euro less'.

I must admit that annoyed me somewhat. We did our best. It feels to me that there's an element of power and control coming down from my brother. In that, my mom didn't rely on him to help her and we sourced an ironing table online and when he saw mom didn't have to beg for his help, he dished out criticism on top of it.
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Old August 2nd, 2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

Full disclosure, KBraidYellow -- I have a 22yo son who still lives with me. He is in college and we're still supporting him so for my own economic reasons, I'd rather not pay rent for him to live alone. So I understand about having an adult son living in my home.


Quote:
Originally Posted by KBraidYellow View Post
Like, yesterday, my mother was tidying his room and she discovered more of the girlfriends belongings and came to the conclusion the girlfriend is leaving her stuff just to anger her
Maybe this is why your brother is unhappy. Even if you and your mom don't nag him, he has no privacy. If I were his girlfriend, I'd be pretty horrified that your mom was in his room, seeing my belongings. I had an experience before my husband and I got married where I was staying in my now inlaws' house for a week or so between moves (at their invitation) and my mother-in-law went into the room I was staying in and the bathroom I was using and messed with my "stuff." That has been 27 years and I'm still creeped out by it.

What I think is two-fold:

(1) This is between your brother and your mom. I realize you're in the middle of it since you live there, but I get the feeling you think you need to do something to solve the problem. You don't. It is between your brother and mother. It is more than a roommate situation, in which case you would be involved. It is a mother-son situation, in which case they need to work it out between them, without involving you. They are having a power struggle.

(2) Your mom needs to accept that her son is an adult and can make his own decisions, even if they are poor ones. She has no business "tidying" up his room and she needs to stop "coming across receipts." That is very close to snooping. I understand why the situation has you upset (since he doesn't contribute to the rent) but I also understand why he's irritated. What I don't understand is why he doesn't move out?


ETA: I'm curious. What do you plan to do if you marry? Will you and your husband live with your mom?
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Old August 2nd, 2017, 01:58 PM
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

ITA with KayKay.

I lived at home until I was 25 and my ex the same until he was 24 and we bought our own home. My ex's mother was very much like yours in some ways. Although he would keep his room tidy, she was always in there re-arranging furniture and "putting things away". She was very controlling and never respected his privacy.


My own mother and I had a very Co-dependant relationship and a couple of times my mum came to live with us. I was constantly worried about her being by herself. I wasn't mature enough even going into my thirties to realise we were each only responsible for ourselves and not each other. Our relationship deteriorated, the relationship between the mother-in-law and us already had.

I guess I started to act out and become resentful too only difference being it was under my roof. My behaviour was normal as is your brother's. Acting out to try and assert our independence. Only thing being people usually do this in their late teens. Once my mum moved out we had a far better relationship with each other. Your brother is ready to spread his wings. Your mother seems to be figthing that. OTOH this may be the pre battle cry that takes place before the next phase of all your lives with little brother moving out takes place.
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Old August 6th, 2017, 06:26 PM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

Thank you for the lovely replies. I read them and while doing so nodded my head. It's great to get an insight. So he's acting out because he's feeling smothered by our mother. That makes a lot of sense. However, it doesn't explain why he's distant with me. I have my own life. I'm busy with work more often than not and I do my own thing. I don't smother him.

Things came to a head really this weekend for me. He got up out of bed yesterday and came to look for food and I asked him 'did he sleep well?' and he hardly answered me. He just grunted and fled back to his room.

Over the past few months I tried talking to him and asking things like
Did he sleep well,
Did you have a good day,
Did you enjoy your night (if he was out the night before),
I'm going for a walk to the shop-do you want anything?

Little things like that. Never question after question from me by the way. Each and every time smacked back in my face with a grunt or a mumble and that's it.

I'm sad how things have came to this where he doesn't want to speak to me or even know me any more. I came to tears today and I don't understand. We didn't have any major row or anything for him to shun me like this.
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Old August 6th, 2017, 06:52 PM
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by KBraidYellow View Post
I'm sad how things have came to this where he doesn't want to speak to me or even know me any more. I came to tears today and I don't understand. We didn't have any major row or anything for him to shun me like this.
Aw, I'm sorry too.

Don't take it personally. He's just in a really, really bad mood about his living situation. You really don't have anything to do with it. He's kind of annoyed at everything to do with the house and the living situation.

As the former mom of teenagers (and your brother is acting like a teenager), the way I learned to deal with the grunts was to not ask any open questions. Instead of "Did you sleep well?" just say a gentle "Good morning" and if you want to be nice tell him he can have the leftover pizza (or whatever) if he wants it, then return to what you were doing and don't expect a response.

Do you know why he hasn't moved out? Do you really think it's because he'd rather spend his money socializing than paying bills?


You know, just a thought: Do you have any influence over your mother? Do you think you can help her modify her behavior? I know she's scared to lose your brother, but if she didn't act the way she did she'd be less likely to lose him.
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Last edited by KayKay; August 6th, 2017 at 06:56 PM.
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Old August 6th, 2017, 07:43 PM
KBraidYellow KBraidYellow is offline
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Re: My mother hates my brothers girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Aw, I'm sorry too.

Don't take it personally. He's just in a really, really bad mood about his living situation. You really don't have anything to do with it. He's kind of annoyed at everything to do with the house and the living situation.

As the former mom of teenagers (and your brother is acting like a teenager), the way I learned to deal with the grunts was to not ask any open questions. Instead of "Did you sleep well?" just say a gentle "Good morning" and if you want to be nice tell him he can have the leftover pizza (or whatever) if he wants it, then return to what you were doing and don't expect a response.

Do you know why he hasn't moved out? Do you really think it's because he'd rather spend his money socializing than paying bills?


You know, just a thought: Do you have any influence over your mother? Do you think you can help her modify her behavior? I know she's scared to lose your brother, but if she didn't act the way she did she'd be less likely to lose him.
I'm done with him. I don't want to talk to him again and I won't. He has made things very clear me in his actions that he doesn't want to know me any more.

There's nothing stopping him what so ever from moving out if he hates things so much at home. He'd be earning double than me in his job. There's also opportunity for over time in his work that he takes. He's earning anything from 400 to 700 euro a week depending on the hours he does. The money is there for him to go out renting. He does have a car and that comes with costs but shared renting, he could manage. There's nothing stopping him whatsoever only that his social life would be nil.

I completely agree with you on your last paragraph. I've been asking my mother for a long time to let him do things for himself like laundry and get him to start paying towards bills and give him responsibility here. I would like to think he would have more respect of he had to do things for himself.

I think my mother has an element of fear of losing him but it is her actions here, babying him and disliking the girlfriend that will push him away. She sees his moods and all that and what's someone to blame and it's the girlfriend that's getting the blame for his moods.
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