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Old June 25th, 2017, 12:53 PM
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Should I redirect my friend towards ending her marriage?

I am nearly 33 years old, and my friend is nearly 43 years old, and I think that she married her husband for all the wrong reasons & that they do not bring out the best in each other.
My friend told me that that reason that she married her husband was that she wanted a family. Yet, eventually, she found out that he would not give her that.
My friend is still embarrassed about the fact that her husband is 23 years older than her, and I think that is a sign that the relationship will never be healthy since it seems like she will never accept that fact about him.
My friend has been in a relationship with her husband for eight years & married him about 4-5 years ago.
When I spent the last few days at my friend's house, I saw how bad the conditions are with her.
My friend confessed to me that her now husband had creeped her out from the beginning, itself, and she tried to get rid of him from the start. She met him when she was 35 years old. It looks like my friend just settled for her husband since she really wanted to settle down and did not think that she could get anyone better (something I would never do).
When I was over their house, I was caught in the middle of their very childish, immature fights and developed a disgust for her husband. He is such an old man, but acts like a three year-old. I guess that they both have their own perspectives and faults in this matter. However, I would have expected him to be more mature, being so much older, and treat her better. In the midst of one fight, he, at the age of 66, actually called my friend retarded (right in front of me, an outsider), which was crossing the line! That comment towards my friend hurt even me. He is my Dad's age. I have witnessed my parents' squabbles, but have never seen my Dad, who is his age, to sink that low.
In the midst of vulnerability, my friend spilled out all her confidences to me. She said that she always tried to get rid of her husband from the beginning since he creeped her out then itself. She said that she married him since she wanted a family; that she tried IVF, but he lied to her saying that he also wanted children with her, but deceived her out of the IVF procedure, as he did not really want children with her. She said that he lied about a lot, such as infidelities (not sure of the specific details) & that he had STD's, such as herpes, which he also lied about.
I also think that this marriage is not bringing out the best behavior in my friend, the way that a healthy, loving marriage is expected to. She is very suspicious of her husband's behavior & gloated to him right in front of me that she could have had an affair if she wanted. Please do not judge my friend for this.
I think that my friend also married her husband because he had a stable, very well-paying job, while she had been struggling professionally & financially.
I am an INFP so the problems of my closes ones also deeply affect me. I really want to advise my friend to ending this sham of a marriage & finding a reciprocal loving & romantic relationship with someone else whose life goals match up. She did ask my advice in this matter, and I told her all of the above.
However, I do not know whether I did the right thing, as I have heard somewhere that you should never advise your friend to divorce her husband, and that you, yourself, will also bear the brunt of doing so.
Please let us know how we should go forward in this matter.
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Old June 25th, 2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: Should I redirect my friend towards ending her marriage?

Well, I was going to tell you to keep it to yourself, but since your friend asked and you told her it seems to be too late for that advice. The problem with saying anything to your friend is that if she decides to stay with her husband, she will feel that you don't support that and will end the friendship.

The way to go forward from this point is to tell your friend that you care about her, that you understand and respect her decision to stay with her husband if she chooses to, and that you will support her no matter what.

If her husband creeped her out from the start and she chose to marry him anyway for whatever reasons, she is unlikely to leave him.
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Old January 11th, 2018, 08:31 AM
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Re: Should I redirect my friend towards ending her marriage?

I am so so sorry this is happening...however, here's my advice, for what its worth.

I know it is very difficult, but I wouldn't say a word from this point on....to either one of them. It is your friends choice, and if you continue, you may be on the outside looking in, never to repair the friendship.

She knows how you feel, and deep down, she knows what to do, however, she isn't ready to make any firm decisions yet, otherwise she would....

We all own our own personal tolerance, and it will only be in her time, her choice.

So if I were you, I'd listen, but no longer offer advice of any kind...about her marriage or anyone else's for that matter, b/c in the end, it doesn't matter what you think...or believe or how you would handle the situation.

Sorry, it may not be what you want to hear, but mark my words, if you want to retain her as a friend.
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Old January 12th, 2018, 06:32 AM
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Re: Should I redirect my friend towards ending her marriage?

Eww... Sad situation for your friend. Treating his wife like that doesn't make him much of a man. Their relationship dilemma goes much deeper than what you stated. Sure, you can talk to your friend, but you would probably be spinning your wheels. She told you she tried to end the marriage, but hasn't done so yet? That make no sense. Definitely out of the norm of reasoning.

Bottom line... If she REALLY wants to go - she'll go. My guess is she's afraid of starting over on her own again.

I would let it ride and let your friend figure it out. If she does fly the coup... Well, you can give her moral support. She'll need it.
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Old January 15th, 2018, 12:07 PM
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Re: Should I redirect my friend towards ending her marriage?

Itís such a hard situation seeing a loved one in a situation that doesnít appear to be right for them, you just want to step in and fix it yourself! Ultimately your friend is the only one who can make those decisions for herself, and she may make what you consider to be wrong ones. Maybe just make it clear to her that youíll be there to support her no matter what she does.

And maybe try to get her out of the situation in her head a bit at least-go out together and do fun things that both of you enjoy, things that are just about the two of you enjoying yourselves. Encourage her to see that she is still her own person, with her own life and there are still many wonderful things she can do/be part of that have nothing to do with the challenges of her marriage.

Also I think you deserve to have some fun times with your friend, without feeling like every moment with her is going to be focused on thinking about her marriage.
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