When a dear friend leaves you and you don't understand why

[Mr Eko]

After months of worry, my worst fears have come now come true. My best friend has left me. I am devastated and heartbroken beyond words to the point that I'm wondering if I will even survive this. If I do survive it, I certainly won't ever be the same again. What's worse is, I have taken my brain and turned it inside out and upside down, and I have come up with absolutely nothing that I could have done to make her do this. That is certainly not to say that I couldn't have done anything, because it's always possible that I did something and I am just not aware of it. How I could have done something severe enough to warrant the ending of a friendship and be so unaware of it is beyond me, but anything is possible, I guess. But I really can not think of anything that I could have done.

This all started about three months ago. Everything seemed fine, and then she got really weird. She pulled away from me and I would ask if I did something and her reply was always a fast "no". I told her that something was not right, because it didn't even feel like I was talking to the same person anymore. She had little vague answers, but that was about it. At one point, she even apologized and said that she never meant to make me think that her sudden mood change was my fault. I felt a little better, but not much. She said that it was nothing personal, it was just how she was. Yet, she only acted weird towards me. She treated everyone else the same as she always did. I asked her about this and she gave me some song and dance about how she wasn't very close with those people. They were not perceptive like I was. So, they didn't notice anything different. I was the only one who noticed because I cared more than they did.

I half way accepted that, but the way she was acting towards me still hurt. She explained that this was just her. And these moods came and went. The whole thing would have to "run it's course". While she never really came out of whatever that was that started months ago, she got better. For about two weeks, she seemed like herself again. Sort of. She still has not been completely the same as she was before all of this started. Nevertheless, I didn't get my hopes up, because something still felt strange about the whole thing. I just enjoyed the two weeks of her sort of seeming like herself again. Then she went right back to acting the way that she did. Only this time, she wasn't just shunning me. This time it seemed to be everyone. Now, she has cut ties. She has stopped talking to me altogether. She has not said it in so many words, but her actions tell me that we are finished. I typed a message begging her not to end this friendship, but I never sent it. What good would it do? It is clear now that she made up her mind months ago. It just took awhile for it to come to fruition. I spoke with someone else who also knows her (or knew her) and they were very nonchalant about her decision to cut ties with us. I guess they aren't hurt by it like I am.

I am sickened beyond words. I loved her and this loss cuts very deep. In the three months leading up to this, I would voice my concerns to others, only to be met with "ya worry too much" or "come on, why on earth would she do such a thing? you are being paranoid". Well, I want to ask them now what they think of my worry and paranoia. While there is a little bit of consolation in the fact that she has cut ties with everyone, not just me, it still hurts very badly. These are dark days for me. I will never fully get over this and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to get close to anyone else. The pain is just too much to have to go through again.

[KayKay]

I'm so very sorry for your pain, Mr Eko.

There's no telling what happened. You have to trust that it's really just an issue that *she* is having, and nothing to do with you.

I'm so sorry.

[PeeWeeMomOf3]

What a terrible situation. It seems like you gave her opportunities to talk and tell you if you did something wrong or to offend. You asked she answered no. She told you it's her own issue. Very sad. I think most of us humans want reasons and answers, but unfortunately we don't always receive them. I was just reading a story the other day on "the rules of ghosting", it's a terrible thing, and really not warranted unless there is some extreme abusive situation. It seems like more and more ghosting is done to people nowadays, between friends, family etc. At least you had some explanation from her, that this is just the way she is. She told you that, but it does not make it easy to bear when you love a friend and miss the friendship.

[Mr Eko]

Originally Posted by PeeWeeMomOf3

What a terrible situation. It seems like you gave her opportunities to talk and tell you if you did something wrong or to offend. You asked she answered no. She told you it's her own issue. Very sad. I think most of us humans want reasons and answers, but unfortunately we don't always receive them. I was just reading a story the other day on "the rules of ghosting", it's a terrible thing, and really not warranted unless there is some extreme abusive situation. It seems like more and more ghosting is done to people nowadays, between friends, family etc. At least you had some explanation from her, that this is just the way she is. She told you that, but it does not make it easy to bear when you love a friend and miss the friendship.

You summed it up perfectly about ghosting. It should never be done unless the situation is extreme. In which, case, if it has gotten that bad, then it's time for the law to get involved. But people who ghost just for the heck of it are going to end up regretting their actions when someone does it to them one day. I heard a saying once that went something like "you can not constantly do wrong yet expect right to follow you around". It's truly amazing how wrong people can be and yet stand there with a straight face and have expectations of good for themselves. An interesting thing about my now former friend, she still likes and comments on my posts on Facebook like everything is fine. She doesn't seem to get that that is adding insult to injury and only hurting me more. Her comments are nice and all, but they are a reminder of a once great friendship that is over now. And I'm afraid to say anything at all in the comments sections of my posts because she either won't reply or she will get all weird on me. She ignores private messages, phone calls, and texts. This pain is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and it's so horrendous that I would not wish it on my worst enemy. She just seemingly has no heart at all.

[PeeWeeMomOf3]

Originally Posted by Mr Eko

An interesting thing about my now former friend, she still likes and comments on my posts on Facebook like everything is fine. She doesn't seem to get that that is adding insult to injury and only hurting me more. Her comments are nice and all, but they are a reminder of a once great friendship that is over now. And I'm afraid to say anything at all in the comments sections of my posts because she either won't reply or she will get all weird on me. She ignores private messages, phone calls, and texts.

You are probably going to be better off in the long run without her friendship. If she is ignoring you in personal communication but "acting" friendly in public on social media, it seems like she is "telling" you in her own way that she wants the friendship like that - an acquaintanceship, nothing deep, nothing too personal. It hurts, it always hurts when one person feels more than the other person, and wants and needs more from the friendship than the other person is willing to give. I am very sorry because I know how that feels from experience. I hope you will, in time, find a friend or two that have similar friendship goals and needs more aligned with you.

[lilly210]

I want to let you know you will survive this and this shall pass. The same thing happened to me with my best-friend. 15+ years relationship. Gone through thick and thin. Towards the end, my life was changing and so was hers. We started to drift away slowly. I felt her de-attachment. I would ask her about it and she wouldn't give me anything. Telling me everything is okay.
She became more moody and her 'real' feelings for me started to surface. I would ask her over and over again, is there something wrong. I sense there was animosity. I couldn't get to her to talk. I realized looking back that her life had changed long ago and she was not as emotional vested as before.
We grew apart and she changed and I realized, I've changed. In fact, she still owes me money and never paid me back.

I understand your trust issue and don't want anyone to get close. The best-friend title means nothing to me anymore. Only person that's my best-friend now is my husband and I have plenty of close friends. I've accepted that people do change and also some people just don't want to talk about how they really feel.

It's tough but you'll get through it. Know that she has her reasons and don't have an expectation that you'll ever get an answer. Give yourself time to heal your heart and some self love. Your heart will let you know when your ready to open up again. You deserve better!

Good luck to you. *Hug*

[KayKay]

Mr Eko, how long have you and this person been friends? Is this the same person that you posted about that was upset because the two of you had a difference of opinion?

[Mr Eko]

Originally Posted by KayKay

Mr Eko, how long have you and this person been friends? Is this the same person that you posted about that was upset because the two of you had a difference of opinion?

Yes. It's the same one. The funny thing is, I remember hand wringing over that problem, thinking that it was going to end the friendship. That was a walk in the park compared to this. Even though things got rocky there for a bit, at least I still had her in my life then. We had a long discussion about our difference of opinions and realized that we did actually agree on many other things, and there really were only a small handful of things that we didn't agree on, so it was best to just avoid those few subjects. After that, things were great. Or...so it seemed. I'm seeing a lot of things in retrospect. I've recently found out that she has a history of this, and it's partly due to her family's influence over her. I knew from the jump that her family hated me. And it wasn't because of anything that I did, because I didn't even know any of them. It was because of one thing. Jealousy. They saw her and I get closer in a matter of months than any of them have ever been with her, or ever will be for that matter.

They are a petty bunch. Her granddaughter literally cried and came apart at the seems because her post on her grandmother's (my now former friend) Facebook page got deleted, and mine did not. Well, that could have had something to do with the fact that what her granddaughter posted to her page was HIGHLY inappropriate, while what I posted was a recipe that I came across and shared. I come to find out that her family staged an intervention (actually referred to it as such) to talk to her about me and this friendship that they did not approve of. Never mind the fact that the woman raised kids, raised her grand kids when the parents couldn't or wouldn't and then started to raise her great grandchildren when the whole cycle repeated itself. She had to stop raising great grandchildren because of health issues. It's fine for her to do all this work for them, but if she has a friendship with someone who appears closer to her than they are, well, that's no good.

To stage an intervention with someone because a FB post got deleted is just...insane to say the least. So, now I am thinking that she has given in to her family's wishes. She is letting them make her decisions and dictate what she will and will not do. I found all of this out recently. Unfortunately (for me), at the end of the day, family is going to win out. They will have their way. Even though I was closer to her than they ever were (or ever will be), when the dust settles, they are family, and I am not. And there is no way I can compete with that. I am slowly coming to grips with it. Her family should honestly be ashamed of themselves. They want this woman, who is their mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, cousin, etc, to live out her last years without a friend because of their insecurities. But, of course, this also says a lot about her too. She is pretty weak to let them control her like this.