My mom vent

[snafu]

thanks Ann's - that resonated with me


I think mom and I had very different expectations of what her living with us would be like.

As an adult living with my mom, I am coming to realize that she has a lot more emotional issues than I realized.

[LucyVanPelt]

Originally Posted by Annsdil

Snafu, I've always been conditioned to take on guilt. We were very co-dependant. Just before my marriage broke down I came into self awareness. One realisation was that as adults we are only responsible for our own happiness. Therefore, I couldn't continue being responsible for my mum's happiness, especially to the detriment of my own. Plus my mum wasn't really happy, never really had been from since I can ever remember. I couldn't fix her, it's not my responsibility, it was hers to take on should she wish.

I had to look at my kids and think what do I want for them, what values do I want to teach them. I want them to make and own their choices and take responsibility for their happiness. I want them to be independent and not feel obligations towards me that it stops them living their life the way it did me. To instil that into my kids, I had to lead by example.

I wanted my mum to have a life, she was never going to do so whilst co-dependent. I needed to force her hand to get out of her comfort zone for my own self preservation as much as for her. It was tough love. I think the main thing was that once the adult responsible for self came into my awareness I stopped feeling guilty and resentful. I realised she was emotionally unhealthy and brought me up the same way. I resented her for many years for my not having a life, but I had to own the fact that if I had been emotionally healthy in the first place then she couldn't have stopped me having my life how I wanted and the same applied to her.

Yep. That's why my mom is in her own apartment and still working and being self-supporting.

One thing I am trying to understand is every age comes with its own emotional challenges. I'm working on being at a healthy state emotionally for this age, and I have to adapt to the challenges the next stage brings. I don't think my mom did that very well and expected me to fix things, which is what she expected from every relationship, really, as her mother did, too. I have to break that pattern. It's hard. There are guilty feelings which left unchecked will become overwhelming. I learned that we ought not to act on my "feelings." I don't mean that I dismiss them as they give me insight into situations and self-awareness, but they also are not the basis of my decisions. I don't do something because of how I feel, but because of what I think.

Good luck, snafu!

[snafu]

Mom is asking for things to be done, rather than wordlessly shoving something in your face expecting help.


She is also saying "Thank You"

[snafu]

Mom is more like the mom I remember.


I still catch myself thinking of offering to solve some of her problems though