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Old December 20th, 2016, 06:24 PM
Wandarlust Wandarlust is offline
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Post Need some advice on not repeating mistake

i'm going to try to keep this as short as possible!

I met and became "friends" with another woman about 5 years my senior in our apt. complex. This was roughly 4 to 5 years ago.

Over that time period we mostly had a casual friend relationship as she was retired and I worked full time up until about a year ago.

I noticed some oddities (to me anyway) about this woman very shortly after meeting her. Such as revealing her crushing debt load and how she had no money one of the first time she came over to my apt. As time went on, she would have to frequently "borrow" cigarettes. It actually became a nuisance. But her refrain was "I'm giving you $.25 for the cigarette". Or, "you know I will pay you back". Which she did.

But then other things crept in. She would refer to me sometimes as a "twit" or write or say that she "pulled a (my name)" for something stupid she had done. I would voice my objections to these things and she would act like I was being too "sensitive".

As time went on I tried to end it with her several times, but either I would eventually patch things up or she would act very apologetic/victimish and we would go back to having a cig, or borrowing or lending one to each other, etc. as it is nice to have someone who lives in the complex to at least go out and have a cigarette with or run to the store with etc.

But, she volunteered more and more strange things. She had no money b/c she had borrowed a very large sum of money from a neighbor at a previous apt. complex where she used to live and was paying her back. She "dumped" some guy (friend) shortly after meeting me because he annoyed her. His parents made him the way he was. (His parents took her and their son out to dinner at least twice a month and the guy did have problems. But she knew that.) She remarked several times that she "googled" the neighbors in our complex, past and present mind you. She knew what they were up to, so an so was moving here, etc. I found this really weird! I put a lot of this off to being bored as she didn't do much all day. All the while she had a very opinionated way about her. She would remark, while visiting to use my printer at one time, that there was dust on something. It smelled funny in my apartment. She would "re-arrange" things a fraction this way or that. While she has been helpful to me (helping me move from one unit to another) and other things, it's all came with the nagging backdrop of her opinions and observations about everything. I finally stopped having her down to visit at all. When speaking with other neighbors she would tell them that "we" (her and I) weren't moving or thought this or that. All while I'm standing there! And her complaints about the other neighbors and the few other friends of hers that I know about were endless. She makes it a point to see who is home, who isn't. Who was moving, etc. She also exhibited no respect for others boundaries. I left her in the car one time to run back into the apartment and when I came back she remarked on a letter I HAD IN MY PURSE!

The only other friends I know of that she has are too older ladies that she cat sits for and of course, they pay her. But, she's even had ups and downs with them, including a public argument in a restaurant!

The end came last month when we were walking down the sidewalk and I was talking about my broken air conditioner and she turned around mid walk and stated in a very loud and nasty tone that "everyone has problems and she didn't want to here about my problems". She had done that one time before about a year ago. Her temper comes out of nowhere sometimes and is very ugly. I was so stunned that I said nothing and turned around and walked away. But I later emailed her and told her I thought she was condescending, selfish and narcissistic and to go to hell. Of course, as always, this was my fault b/c she didn't realize that I was so sensitive and that I couldn't handle the truth of people not wanting to hear my problems. Amazing BS. Told her that I didn't want to hear from her again. She accused me of being a "nut job" and she wouldn't bother me again.

Now, I have not heard from her, and fortunately, have only run into her a couple of times in the building and she stayed out of my way. But, what do I say if she tries to "make up" or ask to borrow a cig or asks to "talk". I'm not completely convinced that I've heard the last of her and it's been so pleasant not to have to deal with her! But, I really believe that she has some kind of mental or anger issues going on. It is almost impossible to get rid of her completely!

Sorry for the extreme length of this post. I hope it wasn't too rambling but I was trying as best I could to describe this woman's behavior!
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Old December 20th, 2016, 07:39 PM
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

The best thing to do is to be polite when you see her. If she asks to talk, politely decline. "I cannot talk with you, but do take care of yourself. I have to go now." Any variation of that will do. She won't like it, but it's not your job to make her happy.

Good luck!
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Old December 20th, 2016, 07:44 PM
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

She definitely has mental issues. I'm not sure what they are, but she has a lot of symptoms.

Just be nice but closed off. She can't be your friend if you don't reciprocate. If she asks to borrow a cigarette, give her one and don't expect repayment (but make sure to limit that so she doesn't take advantage of it). It's okay to say so sorry, but you don't have any you can spare. If she asks to talk, or wants to make up, just tell her no... you aren't in a place where you want to pick back up with your friendship just yet, that you haven't changed and you don't think she has either.

It didn't sound to me from your post that you have a limited social life outside of your complex. That's where I'd focus my efforts if I were in your shoes. Good luck!
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Old December 20th, 2016, 08:56 PM
Wandarlust Wandarlust is offline
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
She definitely has mental issues. I'm not sure what they are, but she has a lot of symptoms.

Just be nice but closed off. She can't be your friend if you don't reciprocate. If she asks to borrow a cigarette, give her one and don't expect repayment (but make sure to limit that so she doesn't take advantage of it). It's okay to say so sorry, but you don't have any you can spare. If she asks to talk, or wants to make up, just tell her no... you aren't in a place where you want to pick back up with your friendship just yet, that you haven't changed and you don't think she has either.

It didn't sound to me from your post that you have a limited social life outside of your complex. That's where I'd focus my efforts if I were in your shoes. Good luck!
Thanks to those who have responded. There are so very many other odd occurrences and strange things that have been said that I could go on all night! LOL But one time, while she was driving mind you, I mentioned that I wanted to read the new (at the time) book that George H. W. Bush had written. She went into a rant about how he was to liberal and that the press treated his son so badly but never published anything about liberals, blah, blah, blah. Honestly very, very mad about it. When we got home, and she was sitting on the deck, she didn't really apologize, but she walked-back some of what she had said. But the more interesting thing is she honestly appeared worn out from her outburst. Almost as if it took all of her energy and she needed to sleep. Another time when her TV wasn't working right, she literally screamed and cursed out the representative who was trying to help her. It was something to behold. I told her point blank in our last email exchange that I didn't consider her behavior to be normal of most adults who know how to control themselves and their tempers. That it was similar to a two year old having a temper tantrum or watching someone come unhinged (it is). Her response was "no one is perfect and we all work on our faults and that is what Christians strive to do every day and it isn't easy". This is as close as she has ever come to admitting any wrong doing on her part. But, considering her temper, I've often time wondered if she used medication to help "calm" her during her employment years and decided she didn't need it when she retired. Anyway, thank you for you input. I agree that you need to "stop throwing the ball back" so to speak
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Old December 20th, 2016, 10:55 PM
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

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Originally Posted by Wandarlust View Post
Now, I have not heard from her, and fortunately, have only run into her a couple of times in the building and she stayed out of my way. But, what do I say if she tries to "make up" or ask to borrow a cig or asks to "talk". I'm not completely convinced that I've heard the last of her and it's been so pleasant not to have to deal with her! But, I really believe that she has some kind of mental or anger issues going on. It is almost impossible to get rid of her completely!
You can say: "I'm sorry, but this is my last... pack, cigarette or left them in my apt."

If she tried to "make up." Let her. I'm sure you can think of ways to avoid her simply by not catering to what she wants. She'll figure it out soon enough. If she doesn't try to make up... Well, that's a benefit to you.
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Old December 21st, 2016, 01:20 AM
Wandarlust Wandarlust is offline
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

Thanks Knot2loud. You and the others are all right. I guess I just wanted reassurance on this issue.

Sure there are many out there like her, guess I somehow avoided them in the past. My husband passed suddenly 10+ years ago and my kids were married or in college. Suddenly found myself with the kids gone AND my husband gone.

Maybe in the past i would not have been as anxious to overlook the "red flags" that I noticed!
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Old December 21st, 2016, 11:18 AM
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

I think you have been targetted by a moocher and an idiot. People like her love people like you,as they have a fresh canvas and live to sponge off others. These types are always hard done by and the world hasn't treated them well. Often these people seem very nice and they do have some magnetic traits that are likeable. But really they are out to get what they can from others. I bet if you could talk to some of the people she has burnt in the past they would tell you shes a big problem and has run away owing them a lot. The big signs are the borrowing of stuff all the time and saying she owes others money and that other people just havent come to the party for her. These people can be very nice too. I have met a few of these types and they come in many forms.

I wouldnt give her anything and I wouldnt let her in my place again. If you see her knocking at your door,make sure you have a nice thick curtain there to hide behind etc. Just stop being available. Dont answer her phone calls or texts either.I wouldnt bother trying to tell her anything shes too far gone. Its really best to stop having anything to do with people like this,and no matter how nice you are to her she will just turn nasty anyway. Its hard because you all live in the same complex,but I would just become very very busy If I were you. Dont let her inside your home and dont let her in your car.....if she confronts you,just say you dont want talk thanks...she will eventually find other victims to bludge off, you dont need her at all....good luck.
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Old December 21st, 2016, 04:06 PM
Wandarlust Wandarlust is offline
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

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Originally Posted by Catwoman View Post
I think you have been targetted by a moocher and an idiot. People like her love people like you,as they have a fresh canvas and live to sponge off others. These types are always hard done by and the world hasn't treated them well. Often these people seem very nice and they do have some magnetic traits that are likeable. But really they are out to get what they can from others. I bet if you could talk to some of the people she has burnt in the past they would tell you shes a big problem and has run away owing them a lot. The big signs are the borrowing of stuff all the time and saying she owes others money and that other people just havent come to the party for her. These people can be very nice too. I have met a few of these types and they come in many forms.

I wouldnt give her anything and I wouldnt let her in my place again. If you see her knocking at your door,make sure you have a nice thick curtain there to hide behind etc. Just stop being available. Dont answer her phone calls or texts either.I wouldnt bother trying to tell her anything shes too far gone. Its really best to stop having anything to do with people like this,and no matter how nice you are to her she will just turn nasty anyway. Its hard because you all live in the same complex,but I would just become very very busy If I were you. Dont let her inside your home and dont let her in your car.....if she confronts you,just say you dont want talk thanks...she will eventually find other victims to bludge off, you dont need her at all....good luck.
She says she has paid this other friend that she borrowed thousands of dollars from off. But she also told me not to long ago that she received close to $1k from her auto insurance company as a refund, reward for being with them or something. Never heard of that and I largely suspect she took really took loan out, not that I care. Of course, you would have thought it was Christmas as she was getting this and that, etc. And, she did take us out to an inexpensive dinner. But I'm pretty sure she is looking for someone to drag her thru the rest of life with them. She is past 65 years old, has never been married, no kids, and doesn't want to live where her only other family member is b/c she doesn't like her in-laws. If any of that is even true. Anyway, I only started hanging out with her b/c I felt sorry for her. I'll be the last time I do that. LOL I have to start remembering that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

Last edited by Wandarlust; December 21st, 2016 at 04:11 PM.
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Old December 21st, 2016, 04:26 PM
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

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Originally Posted by Wandarlust View Post
She says she has paid this other friend that she borrowed thousands of dollars from off. But she also told me not to long ago that she received close to $1k from her auto insurance company as a refund, reward for being with them or something. Never heard of that and I largely suspect she took really took loan out, not that I care. Of course, you would have thought it was Christmas as she was getting this and that, etc. And, she did take us out to an inexpensive dinner. But I'm pretty sure she is looking for someone to drag her thru the rest of life with them. She is past 65 years old, has never been married, no kids, and doesn't want to live where her only other family member is b/c she doesn't like her in-laws. If any of that is even true. Anyway, I only started hanging out with her b/c I felt sorry for her. I'll be the last time I do that. LOL I have to start remembering that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".
Its great that you are now onto her. These types of people are pipe dreamers that have black clouds always following them around. I bet her only family most likely dont want to know her as they know what shes like. Id say shes bad news and its better for you to just try to keep away from her.These types feed off people who fall for their hard done by stories and the world is always against them, its never their fault. Maybe you can deliberately go out and join a club or something somewhere else,even just once a week away from home....at least that way you will meet some new people and you wont be home for this other woman to be knocking on your door....dont worry she will find another target soon.....that last quote of yours is something I live by,because people do accidentally show us who they really are....its when we ignore this we have trouble.
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Old December 21st, 2016, 04:34 PM
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Re: Need some advice on not repeating mistake

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She is past 65 years old, has never been married, no kids, and doesn't want to live where her only other family member is b/c she doesn't like her in-laws. If any of that is even true.
Not sure which in-laws she wouldn't like if she has never been married and has no kids. Maybe a sibling's spouse?
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