Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Friend Forum > Other friendships

Other friendships Best friends, ex-friends, or any other friends

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old January 13th, 2017, 08:11 AM
shaina123 shaina123 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 23
shaina123 is on a distinguished road
He says I dont deseve friends

Hello Everyone,
I will straight away start my story. I joined this college in 2015 for my postgraduation. We were 3 in one batch. This male friend(?) of mine is my senior from 2014 batch. Initially we didnt talk much. Last year in march we started talking and within 2 months we became very close friends.We would stick around each other during the college and hang out after college.It was a routine that we used to talk till 3 am in the morning on phone. One day he said that a guy and a girl cannot remain just friends and he is afraid that something will happen between us since he wanted to kiss me in the college and he doesnt want that since he is married …and we should distance ourselves…we tried but both of us couldnt and then we got physically intimate.We became from friends to best friends to more than friends…these were his words. I was confused of my feelings.But then we decided to stop all this and just remain friends. Then came a turning point he had a fight with his 3 friends from his batch ( they are 4 in 2014 batch 3 girls and 1 guy thats him) and stopped talking to them and then slowly he started distancing himself from me…i couldnt understand why..we had fights..and then i went for a vacation to my hometown.It was 2 or 3 days before my vacations were over when he messaged me that he is having panic attacks. I do meditation(for my anger)so I told him that he should also start doing it . After coming back I told him to go to his wife and family in his hometown. He went for 2 weeks and was improving with meditation but then the night before when he was supposed to comeback his condition worsened & he extended his stay..this happened 2-3 times and he would extend his stay.Everyday 24 hours I used to think about him..worrying and since he was at home he contacted me less…then one day i became so anxious and angry that I called him and his wife answered the call and I said the worst thing I could “Where is he? ..why are you not sending him back?…you know that hospital facilities are better here…he is also missing his college…I want to talk to him give him the phone.” Of course she didnt and after the call they had fight as she was asking who am I to tell her to send her husband….and she was right. Next day I apologized for my behaviour. He said that he has forgiven me and asked me for a help to talk in the office regarding his extensions. When he came back he sorted out the fight he had with his batch mates and started ignoring me. I tried to talk to him but all in vain.Finally after crying and begging for a month I also decided to ignore him. After about a week he came to me to talk and we started talking again.Everything was slowly being back to normal when one day a message popped in his phone and as i was sitting next to him I read it. It said “I love you too”…and it was not from his wife. When I asked him he said that she is his ex-girlfriend and that she is the only one he loves and will forever love. His father was against their marriage thats why he married where his father wanted him to. But he cannot forget her and they are still in contact even though she is also married. This shocked me. He said he didnt tell me cause people start judging and he did not want me to break the friendship. But I was so shocked I didnt know how to respond.I said this is wrong. But he said its his personal life …I shouldnt be interfering..I am a friend and I should know my limits. For next few days he was behaving mean to me and I also felt irritated. But then everything again slowly started improving. He was very helpful and caring…but I dont know something irritated me… I started picking up fights over small things…And since he has anxiety problem whenever we used to fight he couldnt sleep at night and this made him angry…and he said that he doesnt want this friendship any more..I apologised …promised not to do it again but I again repeated the same thing…we fought again and again…and our fights were really abusive and he warned me in dec that if I pick up fight with him again he will destroy me. Everything was going fine and I did it again on 7th jan irritated him over stupid thing and we fought.He slapped me in my face 3 times. said I dont deserve friends….blocked me from facebook and whatsapp…not talking in the college…I know I have no right to apologize and i should just give up. I dont know why I am doing this….I never opened to anyone like I did to him..he was the first ever person I got emotionally attached to…but why I didnt try to understand him…even though he has this anxiety problem…why I couldnt for once controlled my anger…I guess I am a horrible person.Now he acts like a complete stranger.What worse is he his last words that he said that I have not even a single positive thing about me. And that he regrets that he was ever friends with me.What should I do?What is wrong with me?Why do I still want him even though he is so abusive...and when he forgives me Why do I repeat the same mistakes again and again
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old January 13th, 2017, 08:46 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,455
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

Let's get to the bottom line:

You were in a relationship with a married man.

You called his wife.

Then you found out that he has another piece on the side, besides you.

He said he doesn't love his wife. He doesn't love you. He supposedly only loves the other woman, who is also married, but he's messing around on her, too.

And you are worried about his anxiety and why he doesn't want you?

Seriously, I think you should transfer to another college and start again with new people. Don't make friends with or sleep with married men.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old January 13th, 2017, 10:50 AM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,879
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

the harsh reality is he's a player

What country are you in?





ps - check out a thread by campfirefly - you don't want to end up in her position (and she didn't know the jerk was married)
__________________
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old January 14th, 2017, 05:14 AM
shaina123 shaina123 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 23
shaina123 is on a distinguished road
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

we cant change our college in postgraduation...I am not worried about his anxiety...I am worried about myself...what is wrong with me?Why cant I just forget about him?....Even today he approached me in the college and said why I am not talking to him and when I ignored him...He said sorry and that he just wants me to be happy and the next moment he started acting mean...and still I am thinking why did he do this
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old January 14th, 2017, 05:25 AM
shaina123 shaina123 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 23
shaina123 is on a distinguished road
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

Player?...I also thought this...but he said that his ex-GF's mother in law mistreats her and he is the only one she can talk to and will stop contacting his ex when he goes back to his hometown after completing PG and that there is nothing physical between them,That he knows his responsibility towards his wife and tries to be a good husband although he cant love her as he cannot forget his first love.
As for me he felt attracted towards me and when a guy and girl are alone in a room the hormones overpowers the will.This was his explaination.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old January 14th, 2017, 06:24 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,455
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

How does a man cheating on his wife think he's being responsible and good? He has an emotional relationship with the ex and a physical one with you. Why are you even listening to him? He is a liar. He is a cheater. He will find another woman and tell her the same thing he's telling you.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old January 14th, 2017, 10:31 AM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,879
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by shaina123 View Post
As for me he felt attracted towards me and when a guy and girl are alone in a room the hormones overpowers the will.This was his explaination.


so what he's saying is that he has no self-control - or he's not responsibility for his own behavior


once again - what country are you in/from
__________________
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old January 14th, 2017, 06:32 PM
shaina123 shaina123 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 23
shaina123 is on a distinguished road
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post


once again - what country are you in/from
India...is there any specific reason you ask?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old January 14th, 2017, 07:15 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,172
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

It is often helpful to know what culture a poster is from, so that we can better understand the situation that they are in. For example, in my culture, we can change our college at any point we desire. It is helpful to know that you are in a culture in which you can't, so that we don't waste time trying to convince you to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shaina123 View Post
I am worried about myself...what is wrong with me?Why cant I just forget about him?
This is the big question. Do you feel like you need to fix his problems for him? Do you feel that you need to make your relationship with him work for either personal reasons (if he was your first lover) or professional (you need his cooperation to finish your education). Do you feel foolish for having fallen for him and need to justify doing so?

The man is a manipulator. He is abusive. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. It is best to let him be someone else's problem.

Start thinking of the man you want to meet, fall in love with, and possibly marry someday. Concentrate on him. What qualities do you want in him? What do you hope to tell him someday about this part of your life? Make decisions with him in mind. That may help you get over this guy.

You not only deserve friends, you deserve so much more.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old January 14th, 2017, 11:51 PM
shaina123 shaina123 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 23
shaina123 is on a distinguished road
Re: He says I dont deseve friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post



Do you feel like you need to fix his problems for him? Do you feel that you need to make your relationship with him work for either personal reasons (if he was your first lover) or professional (you need his cooperation to finish your education). Do you feel foolish for having fallen for him and need to justify doing so?
-I do...I do feel like everytime he tells me a problem that I should find a solution
-Lover? I dont know..do I love him or is it just attraction...but yes he was the first man to kiss me and the first man I ever allowed to touch me
Its not that I want him as a lover...It was not like we were regulary having sex ..it was 2 times and then as we realised this was wrong we stopped but we were still best friends...I just have a fear that this july he will go back and we will never see each other again..what if after that I regret fighting with him and forever live with a guilt may be I shouldnt have said this or that..may be that way we would have been still friends..I wanted to be a good memory of his life...but I failed .....but why am I thinking this ..I dont know
I think this fear of mine is what keeping me from forgetting about him

Last edited by shaina123; January 14th, 2017 at 11:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:21 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2007, The BlueSparks Network