Moving for my in-laws?

[lilly210]

Hello everyone-
I'm looking for some advice on the situation.
It's very complicated so, I'll do my best to be concise. My husband and I are in process of selling our house. Portion of that money will be to repay debt and reinvest into a future business or downpayment for a house.
I just found my Mother in Law and Father in Law got sick a few weeks ago. They said they were tired of working and because they both got sick at the same time, it freaked them out. They're thinking about selling their business but they'll barely have enough to live. My husband doesn't want to sell the house. But, there's no point because their upside down on it too!!
They owe over 100k in debt. My husband had a conversation with them 5 to 6 years ago about them getting a better handling on their money. Obviously, nothing has been done. Now, my husband needs to help them resolve the issue.
We've been working on become debt free. He brought up that maybe we can use our money to pay back their debt???? I told him, "NO!" Honestly, with him bringing that up pisses me off. I'm not going to lie.
They're not even trying to pay it off. They're in denial I feel. They have the business, however I'm not certain if the business even makes money. If they been in debt for so long then I'm not sure how much they really make. Maybe just enough to get by. No more, no less.
My husband will be getting more information about the numbers from his parents.
I'm not happy with having to change my whole life around to help them pay off their debt for them.
They told him they want to retire. I don't know how are they're going to retire! There's no saving or anything else.
Despite how I feel about the situation, I know I need to do the right thing. And that is, to support my husband. I'm more concerned about how this will impact our marriage in the long run. We're trying to have children and this is more stress on our that we don't need. We're working on our own lives.
Part of feels bad if I don't support him. I know he would do it for me. I try to look at it from that stand point.
This move is only good for him and his parents. If we do move, I'll have to change up what I'm doing to help them out. My husband has a full time job and I have an online business. If I have them with their retail store. I'll need to stop what I'm doing.
I'm trying to find a win win situation for the both of us. I believe in taking care of our parents when they get older, however I also believe there's a line.

I would love some insight on this from anyone that has experience. Maybe see this in a different way that I'm not seeing.

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[LucyVanPelt]

You already know that your ILs are responsible for their own debt, and you should not sacrifice your security for them.

If they are in debt and can't afford to pay it back, they should be talking to a bankruptcy lawyer. Then they can decide if they are financially secure enough to retire. That's the win-win.

Your DH can help them in finding one, but that would be something he CAN do, not something he has to do. They have to do this for themselves, legally and morally.

If he is having trouble understanding that he is not morally responsible for their debt, he may want to speak to a family counselor or a good preacher about his responsibilities to his family, which is wife and future children. His parents are included in this ONLY IF they cannot care for themselves mentally or physically. Then he has an obligation to help them be safe, be sheltered, be fed, etc. He still wouldn't be obligated to pay their debt, and he wouldn't be obligated to finance their retirement.

Good luck!

[lilly210]

I appreciate your response and suggestion about talking with a counselor or a pastor. We try to be good kids to them. It gives it a different perspective and maybe it's something he's not aware either.

Thank you!

[KayKay]

Maybe you should put your plans, about selling your house and trying to have kids, on hold until things with your in-laws get settled? I suspect that it would be prudent not to have cash from the sale of your house available for any "emergencies" that arise for your in-laws. I also find that many, many people get lured into the trap of having their in-laws move in with the plan being that they become child care.

I don't mean to be negative, but those two situations are easy to fall into and often are harmful to the marriage.

I think if your DH doesn't have the means to rescue his parents, it will be less tempting for him to do so.

[lilly210]

Thank you for your response.
Yes I have thought about it and told my husband to set the expectations with them in the beginning once things are in motion. My husband wants us to move in with my in laws for the first 6 months until we get our situated and find a place in Illinois for ourselves. He thought about possibly taking over they're house and maybe buying a smaller single story condo for them to live in.
At this point, I feels like he want to rescue them out of the situation. I suggested to sell their house to pay off the debt just like what're doing and he's against it.
I know living with my in-laws is not the best situation. They have tendencies to step over boundaries with my husband. Example, opening mail and etc.
These are great suggestions and thoughts. I think we should have further conversation about it. He was wrapped in the situation that I don't feel like we really talked about it completely.
I don't like the thought of holding off on my life, but I know it make sense as well. Never know what can come up.
Appreciate your thoughts and comment Kaykay!

[chissus]

Originally Posted by lilly210

Hello everyone-
I'm looking for some advice on the situation.
It's very complicated so, I'll do my best to be concise. My husband and I are in process of selling our house. Portion of that money will be to repay debt and reinvest into a future business or downpayment for a house.
I just found my Mother in Law and Father in Law got sick a few weeks ago. They said they were tired of working and because they both got sick at the same time, it freaked them out. They're thinking about selling their business but they'll barely have enough to live. My husband doesn't want to sell the house. But, there's no point because their upside down on it too!!
They owe over 100k in debt. My husband had a conversation with them 5 to 6 years ago about them getting a better handling on their money. Obviously, nothing has been done. Now, my husband needs to help them resolve the issue.
We've been working on become debt free. He brought up that maybe we can use our money to pay back their debt???? I told him, "NO!" Honestly, with him bringing that up pisses me off. I'm not going to lie.
They're not even trying to pay it off. They're in denial I feel. They have the business, however I'm not certain if the business even makes money. If they been in debt for so long then I'm not sure how much they really make. Maybe just enough to get by. No more, no less.
My husband will be getting more information about the numbers from his parents.
I'm not happy with having to change my whole life around to help them pay off their debt for them.
They told him they want to retire. I don't know how are they're going to retire! There's no saving or anything else.
Despite how I feel about the situation, I know I need to do the right thing. And that is, to support my husband. I'm more concerned about how this will impact our marriage in the long run. We're trying to have children and this is more stress on our that we don't need. We're working on our own lives.
Part of feels bad if I don't support him. I know he would do it for me. I try to look at it from that stand point.
This move is only good for him and his parents. If we do move, I'll have to change up what I'm doing to help them out. My husband has a full time job and I have an online business. If I have them with their retail store. I'll need to stop what I'm doing.
I'm trying to find a win win situation for the both of us. I believe in taking care of our parents when they get older, however I also believe there's a line.

I would love some insight on this from anyone that has experience. Maybe see this in a different way that I'm not seeing.

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Hi Lilly Does your husband have any siblings to include on this? May I ask what illnesses his parent's are dealing with? How old are they? I don't feel you should give them any money from the sale of your house to pay their debts.

[lilly210]

Appreciate your reaching out Chissus!
I'm on the same page and don't think I should either. I know we should be prepared as Kaykay mentioned above. That's a smart thing to do.
His father is 73 years old and Mom is about to approach her 70s. They both caught the flu at the same time. His father health is not the best. He has low blood pressure and is diabetic.
I think they're scared about us not being there if something was to happen. I wouldn't blame them. If I was in their shoes, I probably would be.

[chissus]

Originally Posted by lilly210

Appreciate your reaching out Chissus!
I'm on the same page and don't think I should either. I know we should be prepared as Kaykay mentioned above. That's a smart thing to do.
His father is 73 years old and Mom is about to approach her 70s. They both caught the flu at the same time. His father health is not the best. He has low blood pressure and is diabetic.
I think they're scared about us not being there if something was to happen. I wouldn't blame them. If I was in their shoes, I probably would be.

My husband and I are going to buy a duplex. To live in one side and rent out the other. Then, if we ever get into a position where we need help in our daily life, we could use the other side for a caregiver to live in as payment.

Purrs

[lilly210]

Originally Posted by chissus

My husband and I are going to buy a duplex. To live in one side and rent out the other. Then, if we ever get into a position where we need help in our daily life, we could use the other side for a caregiver to live in as payment.

Purrs

That's an amazing idea!
Definitely something I will keep in my back pocket. It's so important to think of a retirement plan now and how things will be for us. Time flys with a blink of an eye.

[snafu]

update?


My mom currently lives with me and my husband. Formerly I got along great with my mom. Only one woman can wear the "crown" - mothers have problems becoming the "dowager" queen of the home.

I love my mom, but she still treats me like a child at times.

She also has her own issues with adjusting to her life changes and it can make her grumpy - imagine, if you can, wanting to do things for yourself and being physically unable to.... the emotional reactions... and sometimes lashing out.

If physical care is needed (ie skin breakdown on the rear needs ointment)- who's going to do it?


My advice is to NOT live with your inlaws -