Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Grandparents & Grandchildren

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old July 21st, 2011, 06:31 AM
MPH MPH is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 6
MPH is on a distinguished road
I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

Hello new to the forum but been lurking =).

I am 24 and pregnant with twin boys * lord help me please lol *. I havent been with my finacee long but we are super close. We share a rather messed up childhood and that is what we bonded over.

My M ran out when I was 9 for drugs and another man and came back when I was 14. I am the baby of the family and didnt have the memories my slightly older sister did and went to live with her. It was horrible but I learned ALOT of life lessons fast and used my mother as an example of what I DIDNT want to become.

His story is slightly different. His father ran out on him but hes the oldest. He has blocked memories of visitation with his dad but his two younger brothers ( they are all a year apart BLESS HIS MOM! ) want NOTHING to do with daddy now that he is back in their lives. Daddy ran off when DH ( soon to be but for simplicity sake going to refer to him as that for now ) was about 10ish and returned when he was 22-23ish.

I will not allow my mother near my kiddos to be with a TEN FOOT POLE. She is still a drug addict, still talks bad about me when I put her up in a house for 2 years trying to help her get clean and a load of other crap. My father is dead or he would be MORE than welcome to be around my kiddos.

His mother is WONDERFUL and I love her to pieces. She realizes we are military and can't live near her BUT will find ways to get visits in when we can =). She has even offered to take time off work to help me the first few weeks as she knows it will be tough with the C section! Shes a devote Mormon but doesn't mind we are agnostic. Again GREAT GRANNIE to be.

His dad... this is where I am a horrible person. Upon finding out I am pregnant, he sent a list of demands:

1. APPROVED names for the boys, in PAIRS meaning if we select this name THIS OTHER ONE is for the other twin.

2. Will not allow DH to take my last name. Progressive I know but I WONT change my name and he wants us all to have the same name and he doesn't care. We are happy with it... Daddy dearest is having a COW.

3. Wants EVERY OTHER X MAS WITH THE KIDS...

4. Does not want us staying at MIL's when we go up to visit for ANY reason and she is only allowed 3 hours a year to be unsupervised with the kids if at all.

5. He will videotape the children's birth and stay with us for a month after they are born. * We live in a one bedroom atm * going to get a two about 4 months after the babies are born due to us moving, no point in moving when the military is re stationing us soon after right? * on the 2nd floor and his wife is in a wheelchair.

6. If I am to breastfeed with other around I am to do it in the bathroom...

7. The children are to be baptized at his church.

I shall stop there but there is a list of about 70 and no that is not a made up number of ALL I/we am to do....

I politely called him up and said I am sorry but that list of demands are unreasonable. We are adults and believe we can make the best decisions for our children. It is GREAT that he wants to be so involved and helpful but many of those decisions we wanted to make on our own...

Next thing I know a lawyer called me. . .

The babies are not born yet so there CAN BE NO CASE YET, but he wants to go to mediation.... If we refuse he is threatening to pull rank once they are born...

I realize Troxvel case makes his point moot but still gets my goat... I am truly horrible aren't I?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old July 21st, 2011, 08:30 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,152
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

For what, not giving in to the rantings of a crazy man? Um, I wouldn't call that horrible.

My advice? Take this list of his to a lawyer (if you can afford one, or maybe the military will help?) and tell your lawyer that this crazy lunatic hired a lawyer after you politely told him no and wants mediation. I'm not suggesting that you enter into mediation - what I think is that you're going to need documentation because eventually you might need a restraining order. What kind of fruit loop thinks he has the right to videotape you giving birth?

Pull rank when they are born? WTH? Is your FIL in the military or something and can order your DH around? Your FIL is on a delusional power trip. Good luck to him with that. Don't even give him the idea that his suggestions are welcome or are even being entertained.

Seriously... I can't imagine what kind of lawyer even agreed to take the case. I'm afraid I would've asked the lawyer that when he called. Was the lawyer aware of "the list"?

What does your DH think of this?

(btw - welcome to the forum!)
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old July 21st, 2011, 09:38 AM
Knot2loud's Avatar
Knot2loud Knot2loud is offline
is never to loud.
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 2,987
Knot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond reputeKnot2loud has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

Quote:
Originally Posted by MPH View Post
His dad... this is where I am a horrible person. Upon finding out I am pregnant, he sent a list of demands:
No, you're not a horrible person. Not at all. The man is ate up controll freak cuckoo loco.

Quote:
I politely called him up and said I am sorry but that list of demands are unreasonable. We are adults and believe we can make the best decisions for our children. It is GREAT that he wants to be so involved and helpful but many of those decisions we wanted to make on our own...
Good for you!


Quote:
Next thing I know a lawyer called me. . .
Save the list and record a few conversations (it's legal). Got caller ID and an answering machine? Let the answering machine answer his calls so you can have any of his rant recorded.

Quote:
The babies are not born yet so there CAN BE NO CASE YET, but he wants to go to mediation.... If we refuse he is threatening to pull rank once they are born...
Do NOT entertain anything along these lines. Rank? I was career military - daddy-in-law's talking out his @$$. Even if he is in the military, the military is not going to get involved in any kind of "civil" case. Especially where he has zero rights as a custodian to a child.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old July 21st, 2011, 10:48 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,437
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

I'm glad you are aware of Troxel. His case is moot. However, I agree that you should consult with an attorney so that you know what to say and when to say it. Definitely document. Then tell GP and his attorney that he does not have permission to contact you; he must go through your attorney.

Good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old July 21st, 2011, 11:47 AM
Annsdil's Avatar
Annsdil Annsdil is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 2,153
Annsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

What everyone else said!

It is lucky that he is shooting himself in the foot before your children are born. Now he has no chance of claiming an established relationship with them! YOU and DH are IN CONTROL!!

It sounds like you have a lovely mother-in-law, would she be prepared to back you if he went to any lengths that would require you to get a restraining order, or in the event of other nastiness? It would help your case that one of DH's parents agree with you with regards to the other of DH's parents!

You can be painted as the spawn of Satan by the man. It matters not one jot, as everyone else will be able to see through his delusions of grandeur, and I am sure will recognise you both as terrific parents to your children. And your mother-in-law will validate that fact!
__________________
******************
There’s one major problem with giving grandparents legal access to their grandchildren. People who inflicted verbal, physical and sexual abuse on their children are then given access to inflict trauma on yet another generation. ~ Wayne and Tamara
*******************
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old July 21st, 2011, 01:43 PM
MPH MPH is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 6
MPH is on a distinguished road
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

You all gave great advice! I never thought to record convos and I DO Have caller id and an answering machine =D.

DH only reestablished contact with FIL because grew up without him and wanted to get to know him... so sad after only 3 years we might see a split happen again...

MIL is WONDERFUL and she is raging like a bull at the list of demands and said she would do whatever to ensure he doesn't get his way.

I do want it noted I know Im not horrid :P I forget voice inflection doesn't come through via text. I am a very sarcastic person when Im pissed lol.

As for the lawyer, I couldn't believe it at first but well if you pay someone enough I betcha they will take the case... sad really.

FIL was in the Air Force and claims to "know people". He says the military lifestyle is family oriented and he can make sure DH gets punished for allowing me to run him away from his "babies"... I was Navy myself and my dad in vietnam so I know its BS but still ticks me off something horrid.

I have since told him if he wants to contact me he can send me a message on facebook * easy to document * or leave a message on phone * again great for documenting =D *.

For DH's sake I hope he can get it together but I fear the worse...

I do thank goodness you guys arent like another grandparent rights forum I was on where I was riled on for being a hateful DIL just trying to rip a family apart.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old July 21st, 2011, 02:23 PM
Annsdil's Avatar
Annsdil Annsdil is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 2,153
Annsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond reputeAnnsdil has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

We certainly aren't a grandparents rights forum that's for sure!

We are a diverse group of people, from teenagers, mothers, fathers, mothers in laws, fathers in laws, but who nicely offer objective opinions, and who can try and see things from all sides.

However, there is only two sides to your story; insanity and a level headed girl with her head screwed on right!

You obviously aren't going to the right forums re grandparents rights. You seem to be seeking out those who have been created by the likes of your FIL where they can all justify their madness. DH's parents were similarly insane! Many years ago, I actually gave our BG which was fairly mild at that time before it really kicked off to a couple of Grandparent sites. They both supported mine and DH's views on distancing our children from his parents, they did recognise his parents toxicity. So it does show that some places where they seem to advocate "Grandparents Rights" still do have the welfare of the children first and foremost.
__________________
******************
There’s one major problem with giving grandparents legal access to their grandchildren. People who inflicted verbal, physical and sexual abuse on their children are then given access to inflict trauma on yet another generation. ~ Wayne and Tamara
*******************
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old July 21st, 2011, 03:13 PM
MPH MPH is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 6
MPH is on a distinguished road
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

Oh I was more looking for if Georgia had any statues that would be a loop hole and perhaps get some constructive way to talk to Mr Madman. It is scary to believe people think that even being a parent is a right. I view it as a privileged cause rights cant be taken away by definition... privileges are OFTEN taken away when you abuse your opportunity to them.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old July 21st, 2011, 03:45 PM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,437
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

Quote:
Originally Posted by MPH View Post
get some constructive way to talk to Mr Madman.

One lesson I learned a long time ago: You cannot reason with unreasonable people. The most constructive way to talk to Mr. Madman is to NOT engage in conversation with him. You can be polite when you must be in his company. All conversations should proceed like this:

Mr. Madman: You must do ______.
You: Hmmm. Did you watch that game last night? Hey, DH, come'ere!

Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Quote:
I was more looking for if Georgia had any statues that would be a loop hole
This should be a quick call to an attorney that specializes in custody and visitation to be sure you get the right information. None of us here are experts in this field.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old July 21st, 2011, 04:33 PM
HisHeathenHoney's Avatar
HisHeathenHoney HisHeathenHoney is offline
She Who Must Be Obeyed
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,182
HisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud of
Re: I am the Evil DIL... Need advice plz

Quote:
Originally Posted by MPH View Post
Oh I was more looking for if Georgia had any statues that would be a loop hole and perhaps get some constructive way to talk to Mr Madman..
I agree you can't reason with unreasonable people.

Ever read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker? Or "Protecting the Gift"--same author. The first is geared towards women, the second one towards parents. Not specifically about nutty grandparents, but excellent information about protecting yourself, your children, and productive ways to deal with unreasonable people.

The Gift of Fear has an exchange where a couple is being stalked by some weird guy who wants them to hire him. The man wants GdB to explain to Weird Guy that he needs to back off "in no uncertain terms." GdB's response is "all terms are uncertain to Weird Guy."

Someone who is determined NOT to hear what you have to say, WON'T hear what you have to say, no matter how many times you say it, or how you say it, or who you enlist to say it to them. There's no way to tell this guy no and make him like it, that's pretty much a given from someone who feels he has the rights he's listed.

He doesn't have to like your no, he just has to listen to it. And if he doesn't, that is what the legal system is for. I agree that consulting a lawyer and documenting as much as possible would be a great idea.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:10 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2007, The BlueSparks Network