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  #21  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:05 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
I was being myself and my DIL thought I slammed her for some reason-I have no idea what I have done....

Does your MIL know what she's done?
My issues are with my FIL and SIL and YES - they do know what they have done - they weren't even bright enough to passive aggressively thrash me when my DH wasn't around.

My ILs example of an apology regarding all the cr@p they've put me through:

"That happened so long ago.... SHE needs to just get over it..."
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  #22  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:12 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by 1DH+4Kids=Happyus View Post
"That happened so long ago.... SHE needs to just get over it..."
My mil says this exact thing. I've never heard of anything she thinks I did to her, other than stay away.
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  #23  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:15 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by FLAlady View Post
My mil says this exact thing. I've never heard of anything she thinks I did to her, other than stay away.
It is almost is if they are saying:

"Yeah - so what - it doesn't matter what we say or do as long as SHE (me) is doing what we tell her to."
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  #24  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:19 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
Word for word: That is exactly what my DIL said to me!! I swear!
Alas - - - - a non-apology apology.
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  #25  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:23 PM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

Yes, but what about when you are with them after the fact? Or when you are in a situation that resonates with the prior bad experience? What happens then?
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  #26  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:24 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by 1dilwhosreal View Post
Yes, but what about when you are with them after the fact? Or when you are in a situation that resonates with the prior bad experience? What happens then?
MaryLou - -

IMHO - you lash readily out at those posting on this board - yet you say you shrink away in person...

something doesn't quite mesh with that paradigm.
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  #27  
Old September 5th, 2007, 07:45 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

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Originally Posted by suzanne View Post
I know how this must look. You are all anonymous....it's an easy way to get it out.
But most people I know IRL and online - respond in kind - in either format.
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  #28  
Old September 5th, 2007, 08:01 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

you know, ive never really considered the internet anonomous, i suppose it can be if you dont care about the person on the other end (like you see with trolls, they are like serial killers in that most of them think of the people on the other end as things that are for their amusement only), and it doesnt bother you if you offend them and vis versa, but i have never ever been able to view people as anonomous. Every post has a voice, even if its a lie, its still a voice thats just as real as the person you see in the grocery store that you wont ever see again. If i offend someone on a forum, i take that seriously, as seriously as i would in real life, because i know that the words i type are the only thing someone has to go on, so if they become offended, very likely it was my fault for not being more careful with my wording to ensure that i am typing what i actually mean.

Text based chatting is a very literal way of interacting, embellishment and overreactions are 10x bigger because there is nothing else to go on except those words typed out in black text.Just because someone cant see your face doesnt mean you are anonomous, it just means they cant see your face, but you can still harm people, and still be judged by others the same way, and in some ways, what you type can be more harmful, because if you hurt someone in cyberspace, there is nothing they can do to get closure from that and that makes it hard to heal.
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  #29  
Old September 5th, 2007, 08:07 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandsala View Post
you know, ive never really considered the internet anonomous, i suppose it can be if you dont care about the person on the other end (like you see with trolls, they are like serial killers in that most of them think of the people on the other end as things that are for their amusement only), and it doesnt bother you if you offend them and vis versa, but i have never ever been able to view people as anonomous. Every post has a voice, even if its a lie, its still a voice thats just as real as the person you see in the grocery store that you wont ever see again. If i offend someone on a forum, i take that seriously, as seriously as i would in real life, because i know that the words i type are the only thing someone has to go on, so if they become offended, very likely it was my fault for not being more careful with my wording to ensure that i am typing what i actually mean.

Text based chatting is a very literal way of interacting, embellishment and overreactions are 10x bigger because there is nothing else to go on except those words typed out in black text.Just because someone cant see your face doesnt mean you are anonomous, it just means they cant see your face, but you can still harm people, and still be judged by others the same way, and in some ways, what you type can be more harmful, because if you hurt someone in cyberspace, there is nothing they can do to get closure from that and that makes it hard to heal.
Thank you, Pandsala, you are absolutely correct (in my opinion). Just because this is a forum and "not real life" doesn't mean it's OK to insult or lash out at others.

This thread is becoming off-topic. Let's get back to the topic of relatives getting married.
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  #30  
Old September 5th, 2007, 08:33 PM
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Re: When Relatives Get Married

hmm well, back to topic then, i think a good dose of common sense is invaluable when dealing with a new couple, as far as alignment, couples should support each other unless one is harming someone else in the family, if they are wrong, then by goddess they are wrong and should be told so, in private if possible, but definately told. It is a spouses job to support and to love and to help their spouse, it is not helpful to allow that spouse to abuse ad harm people freely, because in doing so they are abusing and harming themselves.

My DH has never supported me when im wrong, and i would never want him too, he has tried hard to tell me in private, but will not hesitate to drop me in public if the situation requires it. DH has also apologised for not beliving me on the times he finds out he thought i was wrong and i wasnt.

My DH now also supports me against those who actually are harming and attacking me, as any spouse should. But if it becomes a question of word vs word, he takes my word before anyone elses until he finds out differently, because i am his life partner, and if he ever stopped trusting me he knows it would be time for either counceling or a divorce.

but like i said, a lo of it is common sense, and the ability o recognise when you are wrong and apologise for it.
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