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  #11  
Old December 23rd, 2011, 09:47 AM
Karina Karina is offline
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

KayKay,
My whole point is just to save some money for maybe a new home (which would house his son), and maybe for my own biological child (since my stepson already has some money put aside for his college fund from his father), and for emergencies (I lose my job vice versa, I am pregnant and on bed rest not able to work etc). I think too much as you can see!
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  #12  
Old December 23rd, 2011, 10:25 AM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

I think the budget plan would work well. Agree to an amount that you'd both like to put away then split that in half. What's left of your money is yours to do as you like and your husband can spend his as he likes, too. If you want to tuck a little extra aside for a new home or your own hobbies wouldn't you be annoyed if he told you he didn't want you spending it on that?

I think it must be very difficult for you. When I was seeing someone with two children I had to bite my tongue regularly because I thought he threw money away on them and they didn't appreciate it. I think money is always something that is hard for people to agree on, be it spent on children, cars, toys, hair-dos... our priority is never someone else's is it?
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  #13  
Old December 23rd, 2011, 10:52 AM
Karina Karina is offline
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Thank you Bingo I think I will discuss budgeting with him in hopes that this will work best, leaving room for us to do as we please with some money. And yes, I truly love my husband and my stepson, but it is extremely difficult at times. And it is definitely true that out priorities are never someone elses's! It is just so much easier when two people have the same priorities etc, but it doesn't always work that way as you can see! Thank you again for your insight! It's much appreciated!
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  #14  
Old December 23rd, 2011, 11:45 AM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Oh, I understand now. Yes, I think a budget plan is your answer. Lucy mentioned Dave Ramsey earlier - I'm a big fan of his. Maybe one of his books will be helpful to you.
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  #15  
Old December 23rd, 2011, 01:09 PM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Quote:
I also would like to apologize if I come off as a terrible stepmother
You didn't come off as a terrible stepmother to me. You came off as someone who was trying to find the right balance in priorities. All families face this. DH and I have been married for 21 years years and have 3 children together. We still have to do a "sit down" from time to time to re-align our priorities. When we first started, they were hard conversations because of the emotions we attach to money; often times one of us felt judged because of the limits we had, etc. He HATED the idea of having a limit on what he could spend each month-- but loved the idea of giving me an allowance! We're both used to being broke now.

This is just something to work through. Communicating is key!
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Old December 23rd, 2011, 02:42 PM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karina View Post
My husband (snip) has punished him (DS) for bad behavior then bought him something the very next day. So yes, behavioral issues with his son is also a factor at times.

(lots o' snipping)

My husband does not know how to express his feelings verbally in many instances. So it would make sense that he chooses to buy his son things. I on the other hand like spending time and talking.
One thing I've noticed is that divorced parents/parents without partners often buy kids stuff that's not needed & might be over the top. Case in point - me - when DS was little I bought him a gift each time he came back from his dad's (one of the Thomas & Friends engines). Once I realized that I stopped, but it was hard. I didn't want him to learn to "expect" a gift for nothing more than coming home. Many people don't notice when they do things like that & do not like it being pointed out to them.



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  #17  
Old December 23rd, 2011, 07:49 PM
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

I am sorry if I implied you are being a bad step parent, that was not my intention.
I agree that sitting down and working out a budget plan with your hubby is a good idea, maybe you could talk to a financial planner to get a little help with the budget?
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  #18  
Old December 23rd, 2011, 10:29 PM
Karina Karina is offline
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Thank you all for your help!!! My husband and I spoke and I think in time we will get where we should be!!!! And swiss, I did not take offense at all to whay you said you made me realize some things that I honestly never thought of. Being a step parent os always a learning process. I am extremely happy I found this forum and grateful for all the responses that have helped me a great deal!!! Ill be back to chat soon!!! Wishing you all a wonderful holiday and best wishes for the new year!!!
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  #19  
Old July 25th, 2012, 04:53 AM
tp12 tp12 is offline
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Re: Money, husband, and stepson

Sorry just a question, you say he is basically living with you so his mom can work, and you say that dad is paying her child suppport?? I'm sorry but shouldn't she be paying him? :S paying for son's vacations is a bit over the top I believe, why doesn't his bio mom pay for one vacation and then dad for the nxt? .... And alternate like that. I think (again my opinion) is that coupples should have 3 accounts: 1 joint account, her account, and his account (3 separate accounts). In the joint account you put money that is for the monthly spendings and saving. On her account she can save up money to do hair nails, whatever. And his could be for his fishing, gym membership, savings for soundsystem he wants. What I'm saying is the joint account is for "needs" not "wants".... His son certainly has everything he needs, and more I think. So these vacations and toys bla bla should be paid for from his account as it is his son. When you have your own child together then pay for things from the joint account. If he complains with "well you don't love my child if you want it like that", then you say the following: no, I do love him, but you need to respect your wife and her opinions and wishes as well. We can keep buying him all these toys and vacations but I'd like for you to be receiving the child support money then."..... I think that sounds fair. If he still doesn't get it, then actually draw it out on a piece of paper for him. List the following categories and write the amount of $ for everything:
Bills: (water, heat, electricity, phone, TV, internet, Cell phones, etc...
Car: (gas, insurance, oil changes, fixes to be done, savings for new tires)
Pets (if any):
Rent/mortgage:
Recreation and other: (gym membership, movies, restorants, hockey game tix, fishing supplies, bla bla bla)...
Food:
Childsuppport:
Stepchild's college savings:

Just put everything on paper for him and then when he sees that money that goes out, tell him this: I want "you" to put as much money onto our baby's college account just as much as you put on your son's. That should ring a bell for hiim, and then ask, where do u plan to come up with that kind of money? (Then suggest the savings for your baby). And then go back to to the monthly expenses and say: will this be possible if I'm home pregnant? Will u be able to make this kind of money for all of this by your self if I can't work? Then say: that is exactly why I want us to save up money so when I'm not able to work that we'll get by allright.

But seriously, I know what your saying, I told my husband the same thing and did open his eyes now... Good luckk!
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  #20  
Old November 21st, 2012, 06:41 AM
amandaprice amandaprice is offline
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How are things now?

I've seen money torn good folks apart and it didn't matter if they're related by blood or not. I think you may step into complications in the future that can get things looking pretty ugly that soon, you may need the help of a mediator - which doesn't come in cheap. Hope it didn't come to that. Please give us an update.. and if it really becomes too ugly, I think there's still hope if you check into dispute resolution tools online. Just read someone wrote about eQuibbly for those who need 3rd party wisdom to enlighten the whole situation. Have never tried it, but if I were in your shoes, I just might. Good Luck! - Amanda
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