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Old December 3rd, 2012, 07:55 PM
myst1k myst1k is offline
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Step parent troubles

Just a note before I start typing this huge essay - you may think that I'm selfish, and being childish. That's fine. I need to get this off my chest, and it's honestly starting to really get to me. Advice is wanted, but if you're just going to tell me that I'm selfish and childish, then please refrain from. Thanks.

* * *

My dad got remarried about 6-7 years ago, when I was about 13. They got married about 4-5 months after meeting each other. At this very moment, they are divorced and not living together, but are currently "seeing" each other. Personally, I hated her. I never liked her from day one, because she attempted to replace my mother. (My mother is alive and well.) I also believe the fact that I never really liked her is the fact that she attempted (and succeeded) to brainwash him into changing the way he acted towards me. For instance, one time was when I had just received a phone call that my mother didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, because of something to do with her boyfriend not 'liking' me. (That had nothing to do with me, and 99.9% of the drugs he was on, because he convinced her to turn her back on my brother and sister as well.) A few minutes after that, as devastated as I was, I just got told the news of my best friend almost succeeding in killing herself. I myself have a past issue of depression, and suicidal tendencies. My father came into the room, and asked me what was wrong. I had told him, and he looked very saddened. She came over, and snobbishly said "She'll be fine" and they left for over 24 hours. Before her, my dad wouldn't have left me like that. He would have stayed, and would have comforted me to the best that he could have. I don't know why he's changed, or why she made him this way. I really don't. I feel as though they've rushed into their marriage, without letting me adapt to it as a rebellious 13 year old. I personally feel as though through their entire relationship, with her being a snobbish, uptight cow who has PMS 24/7, it's always me putting in the effort whenever she chooses to stop talking to me for whatever reason. This includes ME having to say hello to her and getting glares and rolled eyes. I always have to put the effort in, and she feels as though she can get away with it by putting the puppy eyes, and by playing the victim, when in reality, she's the one causing all of the issues.

I've told my father, that I'll reconcile with her - as long as she puts the effort in to talk to me, and to apologize for the crap she's pulled through the entire years (ie; refused to talk to me for an entire year "because she felt like it"). But as per usual, she refuses to make an effort.

In another note, I'm also pretty upset with the fact that my dad makes all this effort to be with her, ie; takes her out to dinner, takes her out on holidays, etc. Yet, If I even ask to see a movie, or to go out to dinner with him, it's a massive hassle out of his day, and it's just too stressful. Or he'll turn around snarky and tell me "Oh you have your boyfriend to do those things with you."

When in reality, I would love to do those things with my dad, because at this point, if I ever have children, I won't let him take them. The only way he will see them, if he comes alone, and not taking them anywhere, because for a fact that I know he's sneaky, and that he'd take them to her despite me saying otherwise.

Am I an idiot for attempting to reconcile to make my dad's life that little bit easier, and to relieve my own stress? Or is this just pointless knowing that she's not going to even bother trying?
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Old December 3rd, 2012, 10:24 PM
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Re: Step parent troubles

Hi myst1k, that is a heart-breaking story, and unfortunately far too common.

You don't sound childish and selfish, you sound hurt and confused, as any of us would be. I can see why - you probably feel that you have lost both your father and your mother. You have been through two parental break-ups, and have faced so much hurt and rejection.

It sounds entirely possible that when they got together, your father's wife had absolutely no idea what to expect from an unhappy teenaged girl and was quite unequipped to deal with the situation. She is probably no better now.

Do you have the option to work on looking after your own mental health before you go about trying to repair these relationships with your dysfunctional relatives? It sounds like to need to replace the negative relationships with those that are more positive, until you feel strong enough to face them regardless of whether they change or not.

Anyone who has been in this situation will tell you that by far the best way to get through it is to have that solid example or mentor in your life, be it a minister, counsellor, your boyfriend's parents, whatever. And to move away (mentally) from the anger/violence/manipulation/drug abuse, whichever gets to you the most.

Sincerely wishing you all the best.
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