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Old July 29th, 2013, 08:16 AM
agreen1333 agreen1333 is offline
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Our family is broken

Let me give you a quick back story:
My husband and I have been together for 7 years. He has two children (18 and 14) from a previous marriage and I have one child (9) from a previous relationship. We have one together (3) and one more on the way. For 7 years, our family has been very close. We do everything together. We have movie nights, go on vacations, eat dinner together, etc. His two older children have always lived with their mother. My husband and his ex-wife do not get along well. I will try to say this without sounding petty. She is very hard on him and puts him down all the time. She always has since they have been divorced for 11 years. He can never do enough. He has paid support faithfully and always gotten his kids. We used to get them every weekend, to every other weekend. We took her to court a few years ago to get more time with them but she fought it so hard, that we were not allotted any more time. Over the past 1-2 years his kids have drifted away from us. We thought at first it was just them getting older. His 14 year old son just didn't really want to be around us that much at all. Then about 7 months ago, his oldest got into a physical fight with her mother. So she came to live with us. We went through a lot with her. Drugs and other things but we tried the best we could. Over the summer she wanted to go spend the night with her mom and she never came back. We didn't hear from her until she called asking about papers she needed from school. She came to get some things and when she did, she brought her phone we had given to her and it was completely destroyed. My husband was so upset and told her that she couldn't get anything else out of our house. Let me also add, in April my step-son told my husband he didn't want to be a part of our family anymore. We have always been a close family like I said, we never said we were step or half anything. We were just family. I'm not going to say we were perfect, far from it but we are pretty good. What has happened is, my husband's ex has filled their heads with so much bitterness towards him that now that's basically how they see them. It tears me up so much. I tried to reach out to my step-daughter (her and I have always been very close) and she thinks it's just because his ex is taking us back to court for money. We need advice! I just want our family back.
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Old July 29th, 2013, 10:28 AM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: Our family is broken

(((hugs)))

I hate to use a cliche, "If you love something, let it go...." I'm not saying give up, but continue trying to be there for them.

My cousin's adult kids have nothing to do with him anymore... or with any of their father's family. The youngest refused to see him for a few years, but then wanted him to pay for her college - the judge told her that as she hadn't wanted a realtionship with her dad - it went both ways, & that he wasn't going to order dad to pay.


What is the legal age for adult in your state (some states are 18 & some are 21) because this will affect if your DH still needs to pay support for the 18 yr old.
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Old July 29th, 2013, 12:15 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Our family is broken

agreen1333, my heart breaks for you. I do not understand why one parent feels the need to destroy the good relationships children have with the other parent, but it's so common it even has a name: parental alienation syndrome.

1) Please speak to your lawyer about this because there may be laws in your state against this.

2) Please get a referral to a good family therapist and have the court mandate sessions for your step-children to deal with the harm that has already been done.

3) Please behave positively and politely in all dealings with the children and their mother. It will be hard to do, but that's the best way for the children to see that their mother's criticism does NOT match what they experienced. This will help them to heal from the PAS.

Good luck!
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Old February 8th, 2014, 08:08 AM
WisconsinMama WisconsinMama is offline
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Re: Our family is broken

EDIT: Woops, another old post. Sorry guys! I'm clearly a newbie here, lol. I should really check the dates of things before I post on them.



I feel so bad for you guys!!

It's so sad that ex wives a lot of times have to be like this. My husband's ex wife is constantly messing with my stepsons' heads and they are only 6 and 8. And my mom has two stepsons with my stepdad and their mom did the same thing with them, constantly poisoned them against their dad. It can be so damaging to children!

I don't have any wonderful advice to offer. But I sympathize with your situation. You sound like you guys have the right idea and are doing everything you can. I love how you said you don't label anyone as step or half. I think that's a beautiful way to look at it. I'm a big fan of Jada Smith who is stepmom to Will Smith's oldest son and she has said she thinks of him as her bonus son and not step. I think that's an amazing way to look at it.

I wish I could offer advice but I just wanted to say that I think you are doing an excellent job and just follow your heart, as cheesy as that sounds. Someone else said to let go. That might be the best thing at this point. As hard as it may be, the children are older and more set in their minds. I would make sure you let them know you love them and will always be there for them, but that if they feel the way they feel, you respect that. I know how hard it is to let go though when you really care and just want your family to be happy. Sorry you are going through this!!

Last edited by WisconsinMama; February 8th, 2014 at 08:19 AM.
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