I can’t stand my mom. Help.

[Ohmysoul1234]

Hi, trying to give a brief background on our situation, my mom came to live wih me and my husband and our daughter 2 and a half years ago. The reason she came to live with for both of us’s good. My mother had been living with my abusive father for 30 years and she had no way out. I know she wanted to leave but she couldn’t for many reasons (fear of revenge to herself and to her family etc.) also she’s very passive person and fear changes blah blah okay . Also, me having no other family around and having to work with my daughter so young I needed some help. My dad physically couldn’t be where I was so it was a perfect chance for her to leave him without worrying about him finding her and hurting her , also she kind of had an excuse (“she had to help me”). Anyhow, it was great at first. Even though I had been away from her since I went to college and now I have my own family and a lot of things have changed, it seemed to be fine. I exactly don’t remember when we actually started having issues. It would be a lie if I say I didn’t foresee this because I know growing up, I never got along with her and in my teenage years I would always argue with her and stuff like that. So I even mentioned casually, before she came, what if we don’t get along and can’t live together and she said then I will just go back but we will be fine. Lol yea .. not fine at all. My mom’s been very controlling and very naggy and I am an almost 30 year old grown up woman. She always nagged so much and wanted everything in her way when I was growing up , like some other person even say it to her face not to do that when she saw what my mom was doing to me. So we had some ugly arguments and yellig and all that since she started living with us. What I can’t stand is that I bring up something because it’s just not right what she does and she goes all into about because I hate her so much so I just treat her like that blah blah. I honestly think thay she feels guilty being here because she has no income at all and I basically take care of her. She’s from forein country so I had to pay a lot for her to even have a basic insurance . So she thinks that I hate her for those reasons .. I honestly feel a little burdened.. it would be a lie if I didn’t but I don’t hate her for those reasons I just can’t stand her because of her behavior.I basically got her out of that horrible situation like he was physically abusing her every day and she couldn’t get out herself but she always makes a big deal about she had to quit her job to come here because I told her to come and it’s just been ridiculous. I wouldn’t have had her come to live with me if her living situation was fine and my mom and dad were in a healthy relationship. From my standpoint I made this decision more for her not for myself or our family. Even though it was tough without any help, we are grown up people and we would’ve been just fine. But I can’t even mention anything like this because the reason she came here is for us. She doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that I got her out of that situation otherwise she would be still suffering. I’ve been so tired lately that she’s so controlling and her being around just doesn’t really do good for me and my husband’s relationship because her having no sense of privacy and stuff and she was just draining me. We had a big fight today because her nagging has been out of hand recently and I have been holding it for awhile, it kind of started with me asking her what she’s gonna do if she has to go back to her country (because my husband’s job, if we go overseas or something) and she just snapped at me right away saying I’ll be fine! Do whatever you want to do! I know you want me to go back and don’t want me around anyways! Ugh.. I was asking because I really didn’t know what her plan was with no income and my dad still being there and stuff.. and it just all got ugly. I told her I don’t hate her because she’s here and she’s a burden (which she thinks is the case) and it’s just been hard because she’s been very controlling and her behavior has been hurting me. But of course she doesn’t admit that she is controlling and she sees nothing wrong with her behavior and she just does not understand anything . She’s just always right and yea it’s just ugly. Even though I still love her because she’s my mom I don’t know how long I can stand her being around me. I almost want to hear from somebodyelse outside family that she’s wrong so she can realize but she’s the person that’s always right and nothing is wrong with her. I just want to hear how our situation looks like to others and want to find out if I’m the one whio’s wrong? I’m just so lost and confused. And I don’t know how to tell her to leave without hurting her . Because she takes it really hard and thinks that I’m a bad ***** to her already. I just have so much anxiety with her I can’t control my anger toward her when she does this. I need to end it soon and also make both of us happy.

[KayKay]

What options do you have?

The ones I come up with are:
- send her back (would she have to live with your dad?)
- have her move out to a small place nearby where she can still help with childcare but she won't be living with you
- help her get a job so she can become independent
- the two of you come up with household rules so that neither of you get angry

Do you think she'd be willing to go see a counselor? Honestly, she sounds like she's a little lost. She may be trying to control you in an effort to still feel needed and useful. Those are her issues to work through, but in the meantime she is hurting your relationship with her.

[Ohmysoul1234]

Originally Posted by KayKay

What options do you have?

The ones I come up with are:
- send her back (would she have to live with your dad?)
- have her move out to a small place nearby where she can still help with childcare but she won't be living with you
- help her get a job so she can become independent
- the two of you come up with household rules so that neither of you get angry

Do you think she'd be willing to go see a counselor? Honestly, she sounds like she's a little lost. She may be trying to control you in an effort to still feel needed and useful. Those are her issues to work through, but in the meantime she is hurting your relationship with her.

Thanks for the reply! You are right I think she’s lost and she’s been lost for so long in an abusive relationship with my dad I don’t think she can think right. On top of that her personality just makes it worse. She thinks that she’s really a “good person” because she endured all the abuse from my dad it’s like sort of a crown for her which is so wrong. But anyways, I think sending her back would be the best choice and even though she doesn’t have to live with him, I think she would always fear that he might find her and do something bad to her so it’s still not an easy situation for her. Her getting a job here or being on her own.. I really don’t think she’s willing to.. she is so dependent on me and passive she won’t even get out of the house to make friends or anything. Okay, she doesn't really speak English so it would be hard for her to get a job but I at least wanted her to make friends from her country here because they have their churches and communities and stuff but she’s just not willing to.. she now just started going to walmart on her own after 2 years she’s been here. It’s really like I have another child but that child is controlling me as well... she also doesn’t think having issues with me is a serious problem.. and doesn’t realize how much she’s hurting me. I’m just going to have to send her back but I want her to understand the situation.. it’s not because I hate her for no reason.. but yea it’s hard 😭

[KayKay]

She's an adult though. Going back would have to be her choice, just as not assimilating to her new life with you has been her choice. Don't let her lay that on you...

[scatteredmusician]

This sounds like kind of a passive/aggressive situation to me. You say she is passive but really, she bullies you until things go her way. This is a difficult place to be in, however it is her choices that got her here. It was her choice in the beginning to marry her husband, her choice not to learn English, her choice not to try to improve herself and get a job. None of this is your fault and I sympathize because I know you want to do the right thing. I wonder if just talking to a counselor a bit might help you? Maybe you could get some direction as to how to proceed. Some churches have programs, some state agencies might be of help. *moderator edit to remove agency name and phone number which is a little too close to advertising* Whatever, get some other professional opinions. I wish you well.

[KayKay]

scatteredmusician,

I removed the agency that you advised and the phone number simply because the agency is well known for a political stance and we have a strict no-advertising, no-promotion, no-advocating policy here. People from the particular agency you referenced have previously joined our forum to promote their services, and even though the services are good we must consistently apply forum rules. Our forum rules can be found here: http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...aq_forum_rules

Thank you.

[snafu]

I do agree that counseling for you might be a good idea. My mom is currently living with me and I can sympathize a lot. She does not really go out and make friends and doesn't seem to have much of a life.

For your sake I think you need to get her out of the house somehow.

[cloudnine]

Yup, try counseling before making a major decision. I think she needs to know how you feel too.