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Old January 26th, 2018, 02:11 PM
nickj820 nickj820 is offline
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Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

To start, I am a 38 year old widowed father of a n almost 17 year old daughter. My wife passed away a little over 2 years ago. My mother-in-law still lives with me, it has had a lasting impact on my daughter and I relationship along with My daughter dealing with the loss of her mother, my wife ( the Mother-in-law always makes things about her including will my daughter's hurting about things Gretchen always says well I miss her too and she was really important. which I understand she hurts from it but my daughter lost her mother at a young age and I find it inappropriate to turn it around so attention goes to my mother-in-law). My mother-in-law has lived with us for the last 6 years, she was around to assist with my two nephews who my wife and
I had temporary guardianship while my brother was incarcerated. Mother in law- Her husband died in 2003. Prior to her moving back in in 2012 she lived with us on and off for many years. My wife who was alive during these times kind of okayed it, although, I didn't really want it. After my wife passed away I moved in with my brother his two kids that my guardianship was overturned, my daughter, I and my mother-in-law. I told everyone this was a temporary living condition. I am now ready to move forward as is my daughter sense she does not like living with her grandmother. She is always in her business always relaying anything to me and I have emphasized it to her that she will not and should not do that. My daughter will make mistakes, I will find out As I don't need someone tattle tailing on her like she does. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer about 6 months ago sadly, but I don't feel I have to financially support her provide her a living space and all like I have for the last well over half a decade. My wife shortly after we got married got diabetes and a whole mess of other medical conditions it was tough, hard but I love the woman and cared for her until her dying day. As for the mother in law, I love the woman and care about her, but I cannot live with her. So the help I am requesting is how do I go about telling her in about 6 months my daughter and I are going to move into a home that I buy. The home I'm buying is going to have two bedrooms not more because I don't need three bedrooms it's for my daughter and I alone. Also there's no privacy like when I've had a lady since my wife passed I have tried talking to another woman and I can't bring her to a place and say this is my deceased wife's mother who lives with me. I'm sure it would not go over well. So how do I approach this as I said I love the woman I just cannot live with her, support her and be the one who she resides with. As stated I have tallied she since 2004 has lived with us for almost 10 years on and off. My daughter has explained to me that every 5 minutes her grandma pests her tries talking to her and when she says to her grandma I want to just be left alone right now the mother-in-law gets all defensive oh nobody likes me or cares about me blah blah blah which really pisses me off. I get she has had hurtful things in life, but so does my daughter and I. Anytime things are talked about it always revolves around my mother-in-law. I used to love going to my grandma's as a kid, but I only saw her once every couple weeks not 50 times a day. Sorry this is so long my brain is clouded as I need to move on with my life with my daughter and I don't know how to relay. I know how it's going to turn around and she's going to say I'm abandoning her or something along those lines pause. Help please.
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Old January 26th, 2018, 02:47 PM
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Re: Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

I'm so sorry for your loss, nickj820.

The thing you have to do is step back from your cloud for just a moment and realize that your daughter will soon be at a point where she will move out of your house. Maybe she'll go to college, maybe she'll get a job and her own place. Whatever she does, it's a NORMAL transition. And to top it off, it's your ticket out of living with your mother in law.

You tell your mother in law that the arrangement was always intended to be temporary, and it is reaching the jumping off point. When your daughter becomes an adult (at age 18) she will start making plans for her own future that may or may not include living at home. As such, you are making plans for your future (buying a small home which won't have enough room for her) and in addition, you do not feel comfortable with the way it looks for you, a widowed male, to be living alone with a woman.

Of course she'll turn it around on you and say you are abandoning her. You just have to stay strong and realize that you have already done more for her than most. You can help her figure out where she can go or what she can afford, but you do not have an obligation to financially support her.

Does she have any other children?
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Old January 26th, 2018, 06:11 PM
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Re: Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

Your MIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer 6 months ago? That is the complicating factor here. She's not likely to be cured.

And you are probably not the best person to care for her through this illness.

Placing her with other children is a great option. Helping her find a long-term care facility is also an option.

Good luck.
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Old January 27th, 2018, 09:04 AM
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Re: Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
I'm so sorry for your loss, nickj820.

The thing you have to do is step back from your cloud for just a moment and realize that your daughter will soon be at a point where she will move out of your house. Maybe she'll go to college, maybe she'll get a job and her own place. Whatever she does, it's a NORMAL transition. And to top it off, it's your ticket out of living with your mother in law.

You tell your mother in law that the arrangement was always intended to be temporary, and it is reaching the jumping off point. When your daughter becomes an adult (at age 18) she will start making plans for her own future that may or may not include living at home. As such, you are making plans for your future (buying a small home which won't have enough room for her) and in addition, you do not feel comfortable with the way it looks for you, a widowed male, to be living alone with a woman.

Of course she'll turn it around on you and say you are abandoning her. You just have to stay strong and realize that you have already done more for her than most. You can help her figure out where she can go or what she can afford, but you do not have an obligation to financially support her.

Does she have any other children?
Thank you for your condolences, yes my daughter, when she is an adult has already pre-planned in her head ideas that she wants to succeed at. The home I will be buying in the summer will contain a room for her to always stay in if need be. With losing her mother it altered what her plans were, but I always encourage her don't be afraid to do what you think is right, it's your life and nobody else's. Even after 2 years of my wife being gone I still have some struggles of being both parents in the sense, I do my best as any parent would when they're faced with the same situation. This is the type of things I'm looking for. What you said in your response, thank you. As for her other child they do not talk really, he is and has been an addict for a long time. He is not stable he has a few kids and is not with any of the mothers. Her other child also has resentment for the way that my mother-in-law did a lot of things when they were younger, and rightfully so from what my brother-in-law and my wife have told me, the stories matched up to a Tee also. He's in and out of the hospital also with medical conditions which I was hoping he would resolve and remedy his life so that he can help his mother. His issues can be controlled if he accepted what's happening but he does not he lets himself go. I as a person know that we help one another, but I have always believed there is a line when enough help is enough. As stated I love that woman, but I can't live with her it doesn't work any longer.
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Old January 27th, 2018, 09:10 AM
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Re: Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
I'm so sorry for your loss, nickj820.

The thing you have to do is step back from your cloud for just a moment and realize that your daughter will soon be at a point where she will move out of your house. Maybe she'll go to college, maybe she'll get a job and her own place. Whatever she does, it's a NORMAL transition. And to top it off, it's your ticket out of living with your mother in law.

You tell your mother in law that the arrangement was always intended to be temporary, and it is reaching the jumping off point. When your daughter becomes an adult (at age 18) she will start making plans for her own future that may or may not include living at home. As such, you are making plans for your future (buying a small home which won't have enough room for her) and in addition, you do not feel comfortable with the way it looks for you, a widowed male, to be living alone with a woman.

Of course she'll turn it around on you and say you are abandoning her. You just have to stay strong and realize that you have already done more for her than most. You can help her figure out where she can go or what she can afford, but you do not have an obligation to financially support her.

Does she have any other children?
Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Your MIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer 6 months ago? That is the complicating factor here. She's not likely to be cured.

And you are probably not the best person to care for her through this illness.

Placing her with other children is a great option. Helping her find a long-term care facility is also an option.

Good luck.
Correct 6 months ago they diagnosed her with stage 4 cervical cancer and kidney cancer. Her other child and her do not really speak much
Plus he has bounced around in life with many issues. Drugs, medical problems ECT. Thank you for your input, like I said my wife was medically ill for about three-quarters of our marriage, taking care of my wife was one thing she was my best friend, I cared and loved her with all my heart and did whatever I could. For my mother-in-law not that I don't want to help her I will and I have, but I have my life with my daughter and I that we need to continue forward. Some people may see is it being selfish on my end, but it is not as I have supported this woman for about a decade, literally. And sometimes it's time to move on I have waited a long time to move forward. I love the lady and will help her but that help cannot mean providing her residence. Just throughout the course of her being around for the last 15 plus years most things revolve around her and she turns things on other people. Youre abandoning me or this or that ECT. Again thank you for your input I genuinely appreciate it, thank you. I forgot to add you are correct, stage 4 cancer usually leads to death. That is just how it works and I understand that as does my daughter, my daughter watched her mother, my wife be medically ill for a long time and I don't believe like you said I'm the person to care for her.
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Old January 27th, 2018, 09:37 AM
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Re: Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

It's good for you to be honest about your inability to continue to care for her.

I can't advise you to just set her on her own, and your posting here suggests you aren't comfortable with that, either. You really don't want to abandon her; you want to do what's best for her, and best for you and your daughter.

Again, the timing is unfortunate. If she were well, you could give her notice, she could get a job and find alternative living arrangements. She is going to die due to cancer, and you can't help her through that, and neither can your daughter. You also don't want your daughter to relive her own mother's death.

Have you reached out to any cancer support centers? Her doctors? You may be able to place your MIL with a hospice center.
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Old January 27th, 2018, 02:01 PM
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Re: Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

How old is your mother-in-law, anyway? Is she eligible for any government assistance? (Medicare, etc.)
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Old January 27th, 2018, 05:01 PM
nickj820 nickj820 is offline
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Re: Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
It's good for you to be honest about your inability to continue to care for her.

I can't advise you to just set her on her own, and your posting here suggests you aren't comfortable with that, either. You really don't want to abandon her; you want to do what's best for her, and best for you and your daughter.

Again, the timing is unfortunate. If she were well, you could give her notice, she could get a job and find alternative living arrangements. She is going to die due to cancer, and you can't help her through that, and neither can your daughter. You also don't want your daughter to relive her own mother's death.

Have you reached out to any cancer support centers? Her doctors? You may be able to place your MIL with a hospice center.
That is one of the biggest factors my daughter reliving what she has with her mother. My daughter has a tough enough time being 17 ish with no mother. I am not comfortable as you stated to care for her. Plus I went through caring for a medically ill person for a large portion of my marriage and it is very difficult , hard strain full and a ton of work. I'm not saying I wouldn't help her but I can't be the sole person along with her residing in my home. She is currently in process of getting Social Security along with her husband's Social Security. Since he was disabled she is eligible to receive his disability benefits or something along those lines. I have told her to talk to other cancer people as I cannot relate to how she feels, and have nothing in common with her illness to where people who currently are going through the same thing would be beneficial to her. I will take your advice and look into the cancer centers as she is I believe 60 should be 61 in July and there should be something that can help her with residence. And as you stated her cancer will kill her, there's no way around that unless she is literally one of the very very very few people who end up living with it and it not taking her life. That is such a minut possibility I understand that in a year 2 years 4 years whatever it is her life will end due to cancer. She has accepted that that is the outcome. Again, thank you for your suggestions support and words it is great that there is a community of people that can give an unbiased view of something as that's what I am reaching out for. I forgot to add you are correct I want what's best for her, but at the same time I need what is best for me and my child . Thank you again.

Last edited by nickj820; January 27th, 2018 at 05:06 PM.
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Old January 27th, 2018, 05:05 PM
nickj820 nickj820 is offline
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Re: Help, need assistance and guidance, please. Mother in law.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
How old is your mother-in-law, anyway? Is she eligible for any government assistance? (Medicare, etc.)
She will be 61 in July, right now she is on her insurance plan from Meijer as she went on disability or something like that from her work and is on that family medical leave Allowed by law. She will not be returning to work as her disability process has started and she also is eligible for her deceased husband's disability or something like that. I'm pretty sure that once she's on government Assistance or whatever her work stuff will discontinue and she will be government-aided. I'm hoping as I will have to look into that that they will help provide some options.
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