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Old December 29th, 2013, 06:39 AM
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Re: Separation, living under the same roof, please help!

I'm glad you've found a place to talk here. (((Hugs)))
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Old December 30th, 2013, 10:07 AM
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Re: Separation, living under the same roof, please help!

From a different perspective (I am a recent divorced after 29 years of marriage to a very abusive man)--


There is no way you can control a situation unless you walk away before it gets out of hand. You cannot face off or engage him in any way. If you need to discuss a hot ticket item, the kids can't be anywhere around for hours.

Get yourself into abuse counseling. Please. Either through a church *Catholic Charities was one I used for I had no money and not a big church goer. I believe I paid $25 for an hour visit with a therapist.
Go thru your doctor, phone book - anything. You need to talk to someone that can give you choices. Planning. Things to do in case. Al-Anon. Please.

You need to get everything ready if you needed to leave in an emergency. With the children.

You might want to look into protective orders, as well. Just in case.

Your life and that of your children is the most important. You are not going to change him by yelling, begging, etc. It won't work.

Take this time to get healthy. Talk to your doctor about beginning an unbelievably healthy diet. Lots of nutrition for you and the kids. See where your levels of Vit D3 are. How your gut immunity is. Did you know depression is caused by an unhappy gut? See about probiotics. Healing any inflammation with veggies/fruits. Stay away from sugar, corn products, soy and really bad choices like packaged foods and the stuff they hand you thru a window. Try to use organic as much as possible. Ask your doc about a healthy fish oil - known to help with depression, as well.

GET ACTIVE. Walk. Mini-trampoline. Mall walks. YOGA. Something to get you to tap into a calmer you. Whatever it takes. Close your eyes, deep breaths, and feel sunshine on your skin at the beach or a park. And just relax. There may be moments he will bait you -- just to get you. Don't fall for it.

Try not to get involved with his misery. He needs to take care of that himself. See what your options are if you need overnight stays.

It is going to take all the strength you can muster to not go head to head with him. Trust me. You won't make any changes in him. Ever. He needs to do this himself. He might say "oh, I will do anything to help you and the kids." And the next minute he is yelling and screaming and threatening.

Do NOT mention leaving him unless you have a SAFE place to go. Do NOT trust him with the kids alone. Do NOT ever meet with him with the kids unless you have a friend, family member - POLICE OFFICER - along with.

Good luck to you. Be careful.
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Old January 1st, 2014, 04:09 PM
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Re: Separation, living under the same roof, please help!

I thought this advice was very good. It came from your personal experience, but I didn't want it to get lost with the rest of your story, JemStar, so I gave you your own thread. Please let me know if that's a problem.
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Old January 2nd, 2014, 12:41 AM
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Re: Separation, living under the same roof, please help!

Thank you so much for your advice JemStar. I have been on the phone to Legal Aid, and the police, trying to get a sole custody parenting order, because right now if he was to take her, I wouldn't be able to get her back. Unfortunately everything has shut down for the holidays and the best I can do is get a restraining order, which I will do if I have to, but would rather not.

My friends and family keep telling me that I need to stop being so nice to him and putting up with his crap, and that he might be dangerous. The other day he took my daughter for a play at the local pool, but when I asked what time he'd drop her home, he swore at me and said "whenever I want." This really frightened me and has brought it home that I need to be safe.

Today my father bought me a car (yippee!) and we go to pick it up tomorrow morning. When I have that, I'm taking my daughter with me to stay with friends and relatives for a few weeks until I can get the court order in place. He won't know our address.

Stay strong and I hope that your situation improves too, it sounds like you have been through hell. Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing your experience to help me.

xoxox
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Old January 2nd, 2014, 07:28 AM
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Re: Separation, living under the same roof, please help!

Healing vibes and a cloud of white to protect you. PRAY. Really. God will help.

It's a toss with these types, I know. Try to show NO emotion at all. Not disinterest more at a calming, monotone. Don't even raise eyebrows. Keep your gaze locked on his.

And I do understand how you at times, MUST give in. MUST acquiesce. Do what you need to keep you safe at all times. For you must.


You are not alone. Get as much help in your corner as you can. (they don't play fair)
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