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  #1  
Old July 20th, 2016, 09:46 AM
lucyinthesky lucyinthesky is offline
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How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

Maybe I am in the wrong here. My best friend who lives in a different city is coming to my city to attend an event. she will be staying the weekend for a visit since she's already coming down.
She's been dating her boyfriend for several months - I don't like him. We are in our early 20's and he is almost 40. Some say age is just a number but I think she is too young. And maybe if he was a stand up guy that would help.. But he's not. She's constantly battling him over trust issues (he's constantly messaging other women behind her back) it's gross. On top of THAT, he's incredibly irresponsible. He's been unemployed for over a year and owes EVERYONE money. All of his friends, family, ex-lovers, my best friend, everyone. I've told her she needs to leave him because he is not emotionally mature and just shady. She's been disrespected way too much. She won't leave him because she thinks it's better than the alternative which is living at home.

Now, the original plan was for her to drive down here by herself, but I guess she injured her leg and cannot drive, so she told me her boyfriend will be coming and he will be staying with us. I was screaming NO NO NO in my head. I haven't really addressed the issue, she's assuming it's OK with me. Also note I live in a small studio with my boyfriend. There really isn't room for 4 people for 3 days.
I just don't want this guy in my house

What can I do or say so I don't come across like a complete jerk?? Maybe it's better to just suck it up..?
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Old July 20th, 2016, 09:59 AM
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Re: How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

What you really need is to be able to accept the temper tantrum when you tell her no. Tell her you are excited to see her, but you cannot host her and her boyfriend, and refer her to a couple of local hotels. Either she accepts this and comes, or she doesn't and stays home. Either of those two scenarios is better than having a gross 40 year old loser in your home for 3 days.

P.S. Maybe if she sees her boyfriend won't pay for the hotel she'll realize he is a user and a loser?
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Old July 20th, 2016, 10:12 AM
lucyinthesky lucyinthesky is offline
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Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
What you really need is to be able to accept the temper tantrum when you tell her no. Tell her you are excited to see her, but you cannot host her and her boyfriend, and refer her to a couple of local hotels. Either she accepts this and comes, or she doesn't and stays home. Either of those two scenarios is better than having a gross 40 year old loser in your home for 3 days.

P.S. Maybe if she sees her boyfriend won't pay for the hotel she'll realize he is a user and a loser?
thanks for the response! i should also mention my best friend is unemployed - both can't afford anything. she's coming down for this event which includes a paid hotel for one night, the rest she's supposed to stay with me. I feel really guilty turning them away and I don't know what exactly to say to her... I don't want to hurt her feelings. But she knows how **** her boyfriend is. she just refuses to do anything because it's "better than nothing"
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Old July 20th, 2016, 04:08 PM
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Re: How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

At least she won't have to miss the event even if she can't visit with you after all. How far away is the town where she lives? Is it unreasonable for her to drive down the day of the event and back the day after?

Just tell her that your apartment is just too small for all four of you for three days and even though you'd love to see her and treat her to lunch or dinner somewhere, you're afraid you can't offer her a place to stay. Leave the boyfriend out of it and let her connect the dots on her own.
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Old October 11th, 2016, 10:29 PM
JumpingJake JumpingJake is offline
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Re: How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lucyinthesky View Post
Maybe I am in the wrong here. My best friend who lives in a different city is coming to my city to attend an event. she will be staying the weekend for a visit since she's already coming down.
She's been dating her boyfriend for several months - I don't like him. We are in our early 20's and he is almost 40. Some say age is just a number but I think she is too young. And maybe if he was a stand up guy that would help.. But he's not. She's constantly battling him over trust issues (he's constantly messaging other women behind her back) it's gross. On top of THAT, he's incredibly irresponsible. He's been unemployed for over a year and owes EVERYONE money. All of his friends, family, ex-lovers, my best friend, everyone. I've told her she needs to leave him because he is not emotionally mature and just shady. She's been disrespected way too much. She won't leave him because she thinks it's better than the alternative which is living at home.

Now, the original plan was for her to drive down here by herself, but I guess she injured her leg and cannot drive, so she told me her boyfriend will be coming and he will be staying with us. I was screaming NO NO NO in my head. I haven't really addressed the issue, she's assuming it's OK with me. Also note I live in a small studio with my boyfriend. There really isn't room for 4 people for 3 days.
I just don't want this guy in my house

What can I do or say so I don't come across like a complete jerk?? Maybe it's better to just suck it up..?
It's a tricky one. It is your house and you have final say who gets to stay.

Be prepared though, if you tell her that her BF is not welcome it puts her in an awkward situation. It will likely affect your friendship. If you are going to go the route of telling her, I think you will need to reinforce that she is totally welcome by herself and that you love her and are there for her.

It's really a judgement call as to what to do though. How much can't you stand this guy? Saying he is not welcome at your house is a bold statement of intent.

Whatever his qualities, your friend has chosen him at least for the moment. In my experience people come round with bad relationships sooner or later and friends getting involved in an attempt to hurry the demise of the relationship rarely ends well. The only time I would really advocate interference in another's relationship is if there is clear evidence of physical or emotional abuse.
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Old October 11th, 2016, 10:41 PM
JumpingJake JumpingJake is offline
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Re: How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
What you really need is to be able to accept the temper tantrum when you tell her no. Tell her you are excited to see her, but you cannot host her and her boyfriend, and refer her to a couple of local hotels. Either she accepts this and comes, or she doesn't and stays home. Either of those two scenarios is better than having a gross 40 year old loser in your home for 3 days.

P.S. Maybe if she sees her boyfriend won't pay for the hotel she'll realize he is a user and a loser?
I totally disagree with this post. Whether he is a 'gross 40 year old loser' or not, he is the person your friend has chosen and if you love her you should accept her decision. Judging her choice of partner is not going to go down well no matter that it comes from a position of wanting the best for her. So what if the guy is old and is bad with money, does he beat her or otherwise abuse her? The texting of other women is a bad thing, for sure, but it is something they need to address in their relationship. It's not for you to get involved.

Does he make her feel special or does he make her feel bad. These are things that matter. She injures herself and he agrees to drive her some distance so that she doesn't miss out on her plans. Doesn't seem that he's all bad to me. One thing I would be wary of is that female friends often confide all the bad things that a boyfriend does because they are venting in a safe way to people they trust. This can often lead to female friends having a one-sided view of the partner. There must be a reason she is with him. Maybe he is not all that bad and maybe you will see him in a different light if he does come to stay.

As I mention in my other post your interference in her relationship is not likely to be well received and will create a wedge between you and her. If the guy is a bad case, she needs all the friends she can get, not the feeling of being pushed away.

Last edited by JumpingJake; October 11th, 2016 at 10:45 PM.
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Old October 12th, 2016, 06:47 AM
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Re: How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

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Originally Posted by JumpingJake View Post
I totally disagree with this post. Whether he is a 'gross 40 year old loser' or not, he is the person your friend has chosen and if you love her you should accept her decision. Judging her choice of partner is not going to go down well no matter that it comes from a position of wanting the best for her. So what if the guy is old and is bad with money, does he beat her or otherwise abuse her? The texting of other women is a bad thing, for sure, but it is something they need to address in their relationship. It's not for you to get involved.

Does he make her feel special or does he make her feel bad. These are things that matter. She injures herself and he agrees to drive her some distance so that she doesn't miss out on her plans. Doesn't seem that he's all bad to me. One thing I would be wary of is that female friends often confide all the bad things that a boyfriend does because they are venting in a safe way to people they trust. This can often lead to female friends having a one-sided view of the partner. There must be a reason she is with him. Maybe he is not all that bad and maybe you will see him in a different light if he does come to stay.

As I mention in my other post your interference in her relationship is not likely to be well received and will create a wedge between you and her. If the guy is a bad case, she needs all the friends she can get, not the feeling of being pushed away.
While I think you make some valid points that are overall worth considering in terms of the friendship, and accepting the partner this friend is choosing, the issue is these people staying at the friend's home. The one friend is not comfortable with this person s/he doesn't know well staying in his/her home. Remember, they've only been dating a few months. The one friend is not comfortable with a person they don't know well or at all AND who has a negative reputation already staying in his/her home.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask them to stay in a hotel, and then socialize with them, keeping a more open mind with all the points JumpingJake made.
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Old October 12th, 2016, 08:27 AM
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Re: How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PeeWeeMomOf3 View Post
While I think you make some valid points that are overall worth considering in terms of the friendship, and accepting the partner this friend is choosing, the issue is these people staying at the friend's home. The one friend is not comfortable with this person s/he doesn't know well staying in his/her home. Remember, they've only been dating a few months. The one friend is not comfortable with a person they don't know well or at all AND who has a negative reputation already staying in his/her home.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask them to stay in a hotel, and then socialize with them, keeping a more open mind with all the points JumpingJake made.
Exactly, especially since the OP stated that her BF assumed it was alright to stay; she didn't ask. The OP also stated that there wasn't room in the studio apartment for 4 adults. Imagine staying in one room with 4 people for 3 days, with someone you are not comfortable with and who already has a bad reputation?

Boundaries save friendships; not respecting each other's boundaries breaks friendships.

But since this post was from July, I suspect the event has come and gone.
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Old October 12th, 2016, 08:58 AM
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Re: How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

She's your friend and she'll more than likely always be your friend - even if you tell her no this time around. Apparently you haven't said "no, no, no" yet. So you can still say "No." Of course your friend will ask why and you can either be honest with her and tell her why or you can make something up that would make no sense at all - like your BF has a contagious disease with a mortality rate of 99%. You can skip town for those three days, move or leave the country. She may get a bit upset if you say no, but she'll probably get over it at some time in the future. Seriously, what are the odds that this relationship between her and the old guy is going to last? Okay, the old guy is a turd, a mooch, bum... whatever. There's probably going to be a time in the future where she's going to come to her senses and realize the old guy she's messing with is what he is... a yucky old guy.

What would I do at this point... I'd probably let your friend and the yucky old guy stay with me for the three days. Sure, you can't stand the ground he walks on, but your friend thinks she's in love him. So my question to you is this...

Do you think you can suck it up for three days just for the benefit of your friend?

You can always get a can of Lysol and pretend he's nothing more than invisible bacteria.
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Old October 12th, 2016, 09:02 AM
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Re: How can I tell my Bestfriend I don't want her boyfriend staying with us?

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Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
But since this post was from July, I suspect the event has come and gone.
LOL....

I usually don't miss those things. I wonder how it worked out?

I wonder if her friend is still dating the yucky old guy.
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