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Old June 11th, 2013, 11:27 PM
sonoilvento sonoilvento is offline
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Exclamation Immature friend..how much advice to give?

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Strong empowered good-looking 25yr old woman trying to decide how/if/how much to steer/give advice to a "24-yr-old-child" friend who is so unsure of everything therefore doesn't take action/make decisions, and even giggles uncontrollably at unreasonable times. (my suspicion, laughing at herself for fear others would laugh at her first) She needs therapy but isn't considering it.
What to do?????



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At 25, I am what the baby boomers would call "successful"/"settled", though not so traditionally (my fiance and I are interfaith and don't want kids, urbanites against suberbs etc etc). I am very open-minded. I have what I consider a very healthy level of self-confidence and respect for my body.

Meanwhile, I have a friend 1 year younger who graduated college for JOURNALISM at age 23 (she lived at home the whole time and commuted), and now works full-time as a TEACHER/TUTOR. Still living at home.

PERSONALShe is very unsure of herself and the causes are related to overbearing eastern european live-in parents, only-child-hood, and body image issues, among other things. She often asks me to "confirm" what she thinks, ie, calls me to talk about something that it seems she is already decided on, but wants to know what I think before acting on it/not acting.

LOVE LIFENeedless to say, she is not finding the relationship she wants. She has the impression that the right guy will court her without any flirtation from her... or even her being "coy" and saying no, but in reality she is interested. Then this imaginary man will wine and dine her until they are in a relationship. Then when it becomes serious she will start to consider intimacy. All of this while still living from home.

CAREERShe claimed she was saving up to live in France for a year teaching English because "her true passion is travel and specifically France". She got accepted...then turned them down because they placed her in Marseille and she now claims "she only wanted Paris". Now she claims she will use the money to move out of parents' place. That was months ago. Still living at home, now claiming she will save up for grad school, meaning many more years of living at home, supposedly in late twenties.

I push her and push her to move out, take risks in putting herself out there in social situations (instead of sitting with her hands in her lap silently waiting for guys to talk to her), meet new people, etc. She resists relentlessly but always listens to my advice; she won't stand up to me and say she will make her own decisions without my help--- I suspect because deep down she knows I'm right about her having more potential than she's reached.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? I believe tough love is healthy, but where is the line between love and too tough???
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  #2  
Old June 12th, 2013, 01:08 AM
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Annsdil Annsdil is offline
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

Sometimes the only thing you can do is take a step back and let people find their own way.

You are not responsible for what she does. Maybe the tough love needed isn't in telling her what she needs to do but not giving her the advice when asked for. Maybe "You must do what is best for you" needs to be your mantra.

She is an adult and she isn't going to get what she needs to get until she is ready for it. The frustrating part in relationships is where people don't feel they are listened to. A big release can come from just not talking! I mean in terms of advice giving not general conversation. Once you have disengaged in that respect you may feel less stressed in the relationship.

It sounds like you want to be her rescuer but maybe that is not your role.
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  #3  
Old June 12th, 2013, 07:10 AM
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Knot2loud Knot2loud is offline
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

You could have a friend to friend talk with her.

I've always believed there is someone for everyone. People are pretty adaptive and everyone can change. Maybe, eventually, she'll figure out that her pattern of life isn't working very well and she'll change things up a little.

She's 23... Personally, I think she'll figure it out on her own.
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Old June 12th, 2013, 08:07 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knot2loud View Post

She's 23... Personally, I think she'll figure it out on her own.
This.

Sonoilvento, I suspect you are trying to get your friend to live her life according to your dreams for her instead of accepting her when she follows her own path. She is polite to listen, and perhaps cares for your friendship too much to tell you that you may be wrong when you assume she agrees with you.
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Old June 12th, 2013, 04:48 PM
sonoilvento sonoilvento is offline
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

Is it wrong for me to hope she can shed the influence of her overbearing parents (her dad is a doctor, so she has no privacy in her healthcare and therefore hasn't been to an OBGYN---yikes!!! dangerous!!!), just because I grew up in a well-adjusted progressive family?

And is it wrong for me to think it's not right of her to claim to be saving for school while she is spending over $1000 a month on entertainment, and not paying rent or grocery money to her parents, while driving their car around to said entertainment?

You could all be right that I should leave it alone, but frankly it's frustrating to witness and have to deal with.
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Old June 12th, 2013, 04:52 PM
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

Yes, it is wrong for you to force your judgements on her. I imagine it must be hurtful and frustrating for her to hear how poorly you think of her and her family.
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Old June 12th, 2013, 08:34 PM
sonoilvento sonoilvento is offline
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

Ok, I think I see you guys' point and will abide by it. Just wanted to put on the record that I never spoke ill of her family. She volunteered to me all the details about them guilt-tripping her into staying under their wing as in not seeing OBYGYN, being paranoid about the world outside their door, etc. I was just quoting her.
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Old June 13th, 2013, 04:52 AM
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

Oh, I don't think I understood that you were "quoting."

Listening to someone complain without doing anything to rectify the problem is frustrating. You have to remind yourself that you aren't respindsible for solving her problems, either. When it gets to be too much to listen to you can change the subject, excuse yourself and leave. You have your own boundaries which should be respected, too.
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Old June 13th, 2013, 06:18 AM
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

Maybe the girl likes her present situation. Some people verbally complain about a situation yet still like the situation they're in. Seems that mom and dad are picking up the tab for her expenses.

I doubt she's all that innocent.
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Old June 13th, 2013, 07:46 AM
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Re: Immature friend..how much advice to give?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sonoilvento View Post
Is it wrong for me to hope she can shed the influence of her overbearing parents (her dad is a doctor, so she has no privacy in her healthcare and therefore hasn't been to an OBGYN---yikes!!! dangerous!!!), just because I grew up in a well-adjusted progressive family?
Just for the record, this is hogwash.

My DH is a physician. There is such a thing called HIPPA - an OB/GYN can not legally even disclose that your friend (an adult) is a patient. Your friend is making excuses.

Frankly, I don't think you ought to be friends with her. You don't seem to have much in common with her and don't seem to like much about her, her personality, her habits, her maturity level, her upbringing, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sonoilvento View Post
Strong empowered good-looking 25yr old woman
This came across as odd to me. Why would this description of yourself matter?
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