Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Spouses & Significant Others

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old November 6th, 2012, 03:09 PM
Stinker Stinker is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Stinker is on a distinguished road
How do I get my wife to try?

7 years ago I married my best friend and it was as perfect as anyone could ever hope for. In the time since we've gone through a relocation, lost our house in a flood and rebuilt it, times without jobs and the usual.

Somewhere along the line we started growing apart. She went from mostly uninterested in sex to not a hint in the last 2 years. I started sleeping in the next room because my snoring kept her awake. We weren't interested in how each others' work days went. We started living like slobs with dirty dishes, piles of dirty clothes, clutter everywhere.

A month ago I walked in to the bathroom to get ready for work and found a note. "I'm so sorry," "I just have to do this," "I need space," "I hope you don't hate me." She got an apartment the next day. She didn't want to bother me but I insisted on taking some furniture and things to her, and then I gave her her space. For the first few weeks I contacted her only to arrange getting her things to her, how we'd handle our bills and a couple "how are you?" 's.

Over the weekend we started emailing and talking a little more about what's going on. In short, she insists there's nothing I could have done to change the way she's feeling, insists there's not another guy (and I'm pretty sure there's not). She feels bad that she's hurting me so much but has to do what's right for her.

What I can't seem to get through to her is that I'm not hurt because she left but because she isn't willing to do ANYTHING to try to work it out. She thinks there isn't a problem between us, per se, and that if she's not happy she just never will be. It blows my mind.

How do I get her to try? I want her to go to counseling or something but she's 100% sure it's pointless.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old November 6th, 2012, 03:34 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,172
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stinker View Post
She thinks there isn't a problem between us, per se, and that if she's not happy she just never will be. It blows my mind.
It's almost impossible to "make" another person do something that they're unwilling to do, sadly, even if it affects you so deeply.

I think she might be right that there isn't a problem between you two... it does sound like she's just coming to terms with her own feelings. There may be some areas you could improve in - there is for all of us - but it really sounds to me like she might need an evaluation for depression.

How about if, instead of recommending counseling, you recommend that she talk with her doctor? Warning signs would be the lack of interest in sex, the living like slobs, etc. If you went through some stressful times (flood, unemployment) that may have been what triggered it. I would encourage her to go in for a health checkup - get blood tests etc. to eliminate any physical reasons for the changes. If you feel comfortable calling her doctor before her check-up, you can tell him your concerns and ask that he consider them in his evaluation of her.

Maybe that's a starting point.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old November 6th, 2012, 09:46 PM
Mrs X's Avatar
Mrs X Mrs X is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 3,917
Mrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond reputeMrs X has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

It sounds like this is a really sad turn your relationship has taken. I agree with KayKay, your wife does sound like some people i know who were eventually diagnosed with depression. She's not really coping with anything, just voiding dealing with it. I guess all you can do is give her moral support and see if she will go to a Dr. Not at all sure how you would broach that though.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old November 8th, 2012, 12:29 AM
Stinker Stinker is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Stinker is on a distinguished road
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

Well, she's bitterly opposed but I got her to agree to seeing a marriage counselor. She says she thinks she's going for the "wrong reasons." I told her I don't care why she goes as long as she will.

The more I think about it the more I think she's a gambling addict and that probably played a huge part. Or at least that's the thought of the day (it's something different every day). She was playing poker on average twice a week. We had a joint checking and savings account that my money was deposited in to, but hers went to another bank that I never had access to. My pay covered all our bills except her car and our phones but where the rest of her money went I can only guess. The apartment she got is halfway between work and the casino. Last week I was looking at my bank statement and saw she'd withdrawn $1800 at the casino in 2 weeks. At the time I wasn't sure if she was losing it or just stashing for the pending divorce, but now I'm pretty sure she probably just lost it all. I went to the bank right away and closed the account.

I've had myself convinced all this time that she didn't have a problem because she was never really losing anything. But looking back I don't know that. For all I know she could have been losing thousands.

I'm talking to her a little bit but not much. I definitely don't think I want to bring this up with her until we see a counselor or she'll just stop talking to me. Sure is a huge burden to carry though. I worked 90 hours last week, my grandmother is in hospice care now, we had to have an intervention for my mom's alcoholism and my parents are being stalked by my mom's sociopath ex-caretaker. Never thought I'd say my wife leaving isn't my biggest problem. Been a tough month.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old November 8th, 2012, 05:08 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,455
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

Stinker, if you suspect your wife has a gambling problem, take a good look. Gambling addiction is no different than drugs or alcohol when it comes to relationships. You were wise to close the account she took money from; do NOT allow her access to any of your money from now on. Definitely work with a counselor through this; recovery from this is very difficult and requires a true commitment when someone wants to recover. It sounds like she hasn't even admitted she's an addict.

You have taken all of your duties seriously. I hope many positive things come your way because of the good you do.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old November 10th, 2012, 02:14 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,879
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

I've nothing helpful to say - but if you need a place to vent, we're here



( I've vented here plenty in the past ... and have gotten good advice, or a kick in the seat if that's what I needed )
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old November 10th, 2012, 07:17 PM
Stinker Stinker is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Stinker is on a distinguished road
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

Thanks for the suppot. We had a counseling session yesterday and nothing came of it. I brought up the gambling but it kind.of got glossed over. She definitely doesn't think it's a problem. She still cares but she's not at all interested in coming back. She doesn't know what she does want, though. We're going to file for the divorce. She wants t divide our assets in way that's very favorable to me and isn't going to ask for alimony so I guess it's probably best to just go ahead and do it now. State law give her 90 days to decide what she really wants. I just don't get how she could not even want to try.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old November 10th, 2012, 07:24 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 9,879
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

sorry ... I've been where you are (kind of). My (now ex) husband was willing to do counciling with me, but it turns out it was just to help me see that he was done. It hurt when the councilor told me he'd already left the marriage emotionally.


It will take time - there will be times you hurt (I got along with my ex's family... I lost his entire extended family when we split); it eventually gets better


You don't have kids, do you?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old November 10th, 2012, 11:16 PM
Stinker Stinker is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Stinker is on a distinguished road
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

Nope, no kids. Just the dog, which stayed here because of the yard. I got along with her family but I can live without them. She said she'll come to my grandma's funeral which it looks like will probably happen in the next week or two.

I've been spending more time with my parents. Grandma's sick, I have the time now and mom needs support now that we've gotten her to stop drinking. She keeps asking if she can have a beer but she accepts it when we say no. Also started going to the gym to give me a way to work off the stress in a productive way. House is getting close to spotless. From the outside looking in it probably seems like I'm doing a lot better than I really am.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old November 11th, 2012, 12:01 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,172
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How do I get my wife to try?

Hang in there. All you can do is your best. I'm glad you are using your time wisely; it seems like you intuit that all you can do is wait this out.

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandmother.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:15 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network