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  #11  
Old January 7th, 2013, 10:42 PM
Karina Karina is offline
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

I def agree that he shouldn't be hanging around her if you are not there. If it makes you sick, then he needs to stop it and be respectful towards your feelings. I have no idea if anything is going on, but I've learned to trust my gut, most of the time. And sometimes its just jealousy that makes us think too much. I hope it works out for you, for the best, no matter what it is
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  #12  
Old January 8th, 2013, 05:37 PM
Magichappens Magichappens is offline
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

Again thank you all for your well thought out replies, I have had a lot to think about.
KayKay Ė Yes, I too have a problem with the lying. I havenít broached this with him yet. Iím not too sure why I wasnít invited by my DH as he just said that he was going to have a drink with TH. He knows I donít want to be around her a lot and he was just going to hang out with TH.
Quote:
Do you think maybe the Wife doesn't like you?
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[
She is so polite that you would never know if she does or doesnít.
I did tell him about the dream Ė however I omitted the ďHeavily PregnantĒ part. At the moment as you said
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you ought to deal with it as best as you can before you bring it to your DH.
, I want to deal with this myself first. He would react badly. As Knot2loud mentioned
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Men do not care for drama queens.
Ė something I am acutely aware of. No problems about the website edit.
LucyVanPelt Ė I agree. The marriage should come first. However, Iím not sure if it is due to his upbringing, but his father and brothers are the same; it seems as if everything and everyone else come first, so the success of the Club definitely comes before my feelings. I know itís not right, but do I cause drama and conflict over my feelings about something that could be real or imagined, or do I just try to snap out of it? The drama scares me; it could lead to so many unwanted scenarios. And I really donít like holding him back from things that he likes to do. I donít want to be the nagging and demanding wife.
I havenít spoken to her. But I too had a lady that I worked with approach me about jealousy she felt over me working with her BF. It really shocked me, I knew she didnít like me but I had no idea why. And from there on I avoided anything that would add to her jealousy. Not that I thought I was doing anything! So yes, you have a valid point and I have thought of it before but didnít want to go there. Perhaps that might be my next step. If he wonít do anything to allay my fears, perhaps she will?
Knot2loud Ė
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A man in a committed relationship should never allow himself to get in a situation with another woman one on one. Drinking until 2am, even if another man was there. And even if the other woman's husband was there - even crashed out in another room. That's has all sorts of wrong all over it. It's called "temptation" even if nothing happens.


I completely agree and I was seething when it happened . It was before my feelings came out to him and fortunately it has never happened again.

I agree about the Red Flag, sheís given me a more than a couple over the years.
A dream is a dream is a dream, but sometimes it is more. (Just my opinion.) But for my sanities sake, ok I shall forget the dream for now.
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But all men need affirmation
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Yes they do. And I am always praising him at home for all his many accomplishments. He really is very clever. But when it comes to the Club, I get tired of hearing him complain about the only employee it has. I tend to play devilís advocate or just not play into the conversation. However the Couple and especially the Wife love to rant with him.
As mentioned above, I avoid Drama at all costs. I worked in a male dominated industry for many years. Drama Queens donít fit in. Wishy washy? Iíll accept that.And yes she is a ding-a-ling!! Counseling? Last resort! But will happily read books and websites. Thank you.
It has been quite a few days since the dream stirred up these old feelings. They have already started to subside.
This is how I am thinking now. They have respect, admiration and perhaps a little chemistry.
I have worked out now that he doesnít have a lot of respect for my feelings (certainly not with this issue anyway). I will call him out about the lie
Quote:
The lying makes him appear guilty even if he's not.
for that reason
and perhaps if these feelings return I will approach the Wife. At the end of the day we have history and three small kids. This whole thing isnít a deal breaker. I just got caught up in my emotions and really needed some opinions.

Annsdil and Karina - Thanks, and I hope my gut isn't right and it is just a little jealousy and insecurity after all.
I think we will be fine, perhaps we just need a little more communication - something we are both guilty of not doing.
Thanks again for sharing your time. I have always found answers just by reading other peoples threads, this is the first time I have had to ask a question and I appreciate your time and wisdom.
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  #13  
Old January 8th, 2013, 06:20 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magichappens View Post
I agree about the Red Flag, sheís given me a more than a couple over the years.
A dream is a dream is a dream, but sometimes it is more. (Just my opinion.) But for my sanities sake, ok I shall forget the dream for now.
A dream is a dream, meaning it's not reality. But dreams shouldn't be dismissed lightly, either. Psychologically, dreams help you to integrate your experiences into memory. The things that you do not deal with during the day will come back at night. A dream is your mind's attempt to deal with it and file it away, but your mind can't file this away because it isn't resolved.

If you want to avoid a direct confrontation, try something a little more subtle. Every time DH goes to hang out with the couple or heads over to the club, go with him.
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  #14  
Old January 9th, 2013, 04:06 AM
Magichappens Magichappens is offline
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

Update...

Whoa! I really didn't think I would be providing one so soon.

Tonight DH and the Wife have a club meeting. The club is a 15 min drive away. And they are the only two going to it from our direction.

DH is very responsible when it comes to drinking and driving - maily because I am always there to drive. But if I'm not then he knows not to have too many.
DH was helping fix the Husbands boat today. They came back to our house to have a beer or two. Two turned into too many and even my DD asked if DH was driving to the meeting - knowing he had too many. I said no of course not he is not that silly.(He really isn't!) Yet DH was unusually adamant that he was ok to drive. One thing led to another and we were arguing about how he was going to get there. I mentioned the obvious way which was to get a lift with the Wife. He asked me how I felt about that and I said I didn't like it but that I would prefer it to him driving. I also mentioned that I could take him. (It was time for kids to have dinner and go to bed, but still no drama)
He baulked and said "How would I get home? - I'll have to hitch hike" He was being unreasonable.
He said if he went with the Wife that it wouldn't be worth the sh.. he would get when he gets home. He then said it wouldn't be worth coming home, at that point I walked away from the argument.
He then proceeded to call the Wife and she picked him up soon after.
It sounds quite bad on paper.
Gut instincts - ALARM BELLS!!
Rational - Everything is fine. Don't worry.
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  #15  
Old January 9th, 2013, 04:48 AM
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

The alarm going off in this case is in response to the matches you're playing with. Why would you suggest the wife. DH is the one who got drunk when he had someplace to be. Either he stayed home--which really would have been the best thing!-- or you should have packed the kids in the car for a ride. Both ways.

I'm curious. How often does DH drink and get drunk?
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  #16  
Old January 9th, 2013, 05:03 AM
Magichappens Magichappens is offline
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

Yes, I knew I would be in trouble for suggesting it.
I don't know. He was getting cranky at me for not letting him drive, I guess I didn't want it to escalate further and it was an obvious option. - I'm still trying to be the stoic woman and not cause drama.
Or maybe I was playing with matches - pushing him to gauge his reaction. Not too bright am I?
When we did talk about me taking him he was quick to argue that he wouldn't have a ride home. When I walked away after he said it wouldn't be worth coming home, he was straight on the phone before I could insist on taking him.

And yes, he does drink too much. He wasn't drunk tonight, he was over the limit, but not drunk.
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  #17  
Old January 9th, 2013, 06:26 AM
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

Well, it's difficult to say what's on another person's mind. From what you have told us so far... I really don't know what's on your husbands mind or the other woman's. I have lady friends but I don't go out of my way to meet them, drive alone with them or drink with them. That's just out of respect for my wife. I'm curious how many others would be in that meeting? I'm guessing just your DH and her.

Drinking and driving is not a good thing at all - not in this day and age.

Maybe you need to have another serious talk with your husband. Starting with: "I want to be honest with you about my feelings..." Whatever you do you need to maintain your composure even if he gets upset. Maybe you need to have a conversation with this other lady and express your concerns with her - I don't know though - Maybe the ladies on this forum would give more insight about you talking with the lady.

Hang in there.
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  #18  
Old January 9th, 2013, 09:41 PM
Karina Karina is offline
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

I am so sorry to say this, but it truly sounds like something is fishy. I think your husband knows how uncomfortable his FRIENDSHIP with her is, yet he gets aggatated and leaves with her? That is def not okay in my book and would never fly with me. I mean you never know, but after hearing this my alarm bells are going off for you. Hang in there and do what you must to put yourself at ease one way or the other.
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  #19  
Old January 9th, 2013, 10:38 PM
Magichappens Magichappens is offline
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

I have been upset about the whole car thing today and he knew it. He finally asked me what was wrong.
Long story short, we talked and I told him calmly how I feel.
He is completely frustrated and confused. He doesn't want to quit the club or lose his friend - the Husband. (I don't want him to either) He feels...
  • The issue or issues are mine.
  • He has done everything he can to keep my mind at ease.
  • She is not his friend she is his friend's wife. That's it.
  • I don't have one scrap of evidence to suggest that there is anything going on.
  • It's all in my head and I need to go and sort it out.
  • If it doesn't get sorted then this will ruin our relationship.
He is right I guess. It must all just be in my head.
I just don't understand how it all came to this? Where, when and why did I lose my grip on reality? So much so that I am jeapordising my relationship.
Why cant life be black and white? Cut and dry?
I also mentioned talking to the Wife, he said it is a good idea. I am aprehensive as our boys are in the same class and there is no way I can escape this woman.

Argggghh!! I am off to find myself a counselor to sort this out.
(I did also ask him to join me, he said I need to sort it first, if the counselor wants to see him he would then go.)

Thanks again for your thoughts.
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  #20  
Old January 9th, 2013, 10:39 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: WARNING!!! It's a really long post!

What ever happened?

To be honest, I definitely think you'll need to break yourself of that habit of pushing the two of them together. I really don't know what you hope to accomplish with that, and it seems to really be giving him mixed messages. If I were him, I'd feel like I was constantly being put to a test and it would aggravate the heck out of me. Either you trust him or you don't. You can't lay out bait and then get upset when he takes it.

*Because* you are giving the mixed messages, I don't think it's fair to talk to The Wife just yet. If she's heavily pregnant, she'd probably think you were a loon... I know that I didn't have an affair on my mind when I was heavily pregnant.

Club presidents shouldn't show up to meetings too drunk to drive.


ETA: Sorry - you posted while I was writing. I'm glad you talked. Maybe you should just talk to The Wife to become closer friends and remove the uneasiness. I still don't think you ought to tell her (just yet) about your feelings about her spending time with your DH.
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Last edited by KayKay; January 9th, 2013 at 10:43 PM.
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