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Old January 14th, 2013, 11:34 AM
rob1984 rob1984 is offline
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some insight for my wife.. on my wife

okay, its a long story but I may have found the issue, I'll explain how we met and go from there.

My wife is currently 24yrs old and I am 28yrs old, We met when she was 17 and I was 21. She had a couple of bf's in high school but nothing really serious, one bf she went out for a year with. When her and I met, things moved very quickly after 3 weeks she said she loved me, after 3 months, she moved in with me.. all went so fast. She Acted out alot, like a spoiled child.. always wanted things her way and her previous bf's she always got it, and that never lasted, with me I stood my ground said yes sometimes, for the sake of peace, but most times I said NO.

She is very sexually active high libido and seemed at first when we met she used it against me.. She only seems to befriend males, as she said her and females do not get along ( she does have female friends thou ) through our relationship she has matured a lot, but at one point she gained some weight and got Alopecia. She still has it but the hair is regrowing. I noticed she makes an emotional attachment to her male friends. Easily finds her self attracted to them, and they always seem to be older, sometimes not much but at one point the man was in his 40s.. once at her parents a family friend was there that she worked with,my wife got drunk and was all over him, hugging and sitting on his lap.. did not look very nice.. now recently her and I were not doing to well.. I was focused on our finances and not giving her much attention, so at work she received attention from another man, he was nice to her, pretended to be interested in her as a friend, asked how I was, what I did and wanted to meet me.. so she felt comfortable being his friend.. but she became attracted to him.. so one day he invited her to come hang out with some friends from work, he then said no one wanted to come why do you not come over while I house sit.. as trusting and naive she is...she went. Well long story short he got her drunk, kept feeding her booze and kissed her just before she was leaving, but she did not stop and kissed him back. shortly after she stopped, called me and said she screwed up and said to pick her up.. I was furious of course.. She did not want to believe she was taken advantage of or that he did nothing wrong.. at one point she admitted she knew he liked her, but did not expect him to do anything but she knew there was a chance and would stop it, but has no idea why she didn't and said she liked it. I know she regrets it a lot... since she changed instantly.

She went after a new career, started to exercise, make me coffee clean more and being very nice..She is also jelouse of her friends, they are pregnant now, and she wants a kid, or she will get upset when one friend hangs out with another and she was not invited, or to a point where some of her friends have more likes on facebook. Her parents growing up were not really there for her, she was caught stealing condoms in gr10, and her dad did ground her, but her friends and bf were allowed to come over. She would be kissing a guy in her basement and her mom would just laugh, or when her and I met we would fool around there and nothing.

She is very promiscuous, as if she uses sex to control men.

Her mom once allowed me to sleep over, but then called her dad and told him she said no, but we did not listen.. Her dad never really taught her anything.. was no role model to her, not much.. when she was 3 he was drunk babysitting and she opened the door to a stranger. She never recalls him saying I love you.. and recently asked if he cared to walk her down the Isle at her wedding and he said it does not matter to him ( we talked about this recently and she burst in to tears)

Her dad pays alot more attention to his son, he is also military and when he is in trouble he is always there to help.. my wife's sister also went through something similar and is with a man who is almost 60 and she is 39.. they met when she was 24 and he was in his 40's.

Her mother always seems to be jealouse of my wife.. feeds her dessert when she is trying to lose weight when she says she does not want any..

To add, my wife never seems happy, always wants to change the rooms around.. buys stuff we do not need, its as if whatever I do its never enough.

When she drinks she becomes very sexual..almost dominating. Actually most times she goes past the comfort zone with other men, is when she had a few too many. The night where the person kissed her, she did drink wine. (Alcohol has been part of her family growing up.) Its as if she was taking any attention she got, weather it be a hug a high five or even a kiss, so that she does not push anyone away, its almost as if she is scared I will leave her and she has some back up just in case her and I go sour.

At first she told me what she did she wanted to and screwed up, but I found that hard to believe as I do not feel its in her nature to be a cheater.. Cheaters are sneaky when they cheat, and not feel remorseful, and call their husband as soon as it happens to be picked up, knowing she would have nothing if I left her and she would be forced to go back to her parents and start from scratch again. Plus she changed a lot after that, and for the good. So can anyone explain this behavior to me.. She knows she has a problem, admitted to it and will be seeing a psychiatrist.. she has no idea why she did what she did and reassures me it will never happen again.

What do you guys make of this ?

If this is in the wrong section you can move it. thank you for taking the time in reading this.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 11:47 AM
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Mrs X Mrs X is offline
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

Hi Rob1984, and welcome. Who knows the motivation for other people to do what they do? I don't have any great insight, but hopefully you will get some by seeing a psychiatrist. Are you able to go to some of the sessions together? - It can be difficult if one member of the couple is growing and understanding, and the other is left in the dust wondering what on earth happened.

Given the circumstances, it sounds like you guys are actually doing pretty well.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 11:54 AM
rob1984 rob1984 is offline
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

if I have to go with her, then yes I will.. Im sure the Dr, would want to know what I think or see.. on whats going on.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 11:54 AM
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

I agree with Mrs. X.

I am impressed by your willingness to stand by her and help her.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 12:03 PM
rob1984 rob1984 is offline
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

yeah, i get alot of people who find it weird.. usually i get the good ol.. dump da b!tch lol.. people who cheat, go out of their way to cheat.. sneaky.. more then once, have a plan, hide stuff.. lol my wife is not capable of this. Very guilty conscience. Plus people cheat for a reason and I know I am not the problem and she said that.. I think its a form of daddy issues.. her dad was around, but not emotionally, so I think she needs to be emotionally attached to other men, in case one or so leave.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 12:38 PM
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by rob1984 View Post
yeah, i get alot of people who find it weird.. usually i get the good ol.. dump da b!tch lol.. people who cheat, go out of their way to cheat.. sneaky.. more then once, have a plan, hide stuff.. lol my wife is not capable of this. Very guilty conscience. Plus people cheat for a reason and I know I am not the problem and she said that.. I think its a form of daddy issues.. her dad was around, but not emotionally, so I think she needs to be emotionally attached to other men, in case one or so leave.
There are many things that can cause your wife to behave the way she does. "Daddy Issues" may very well be the cause. The important thing is that your wife doesn't want to continue in this behavior and is seeking professional help. Because she has a loving man who loves her, accepts her, is standing beside her, wanting a healthy relationship with her, she stands a very good chance of becoming the woman she wants to be.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 12:53 PM
rob1984 rob1984 is offline
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

no, i know she does not want to be like this, she has been stuck in second gear for a while, and recently stalled, she needs an identity.. no career currently just meaningless jobs here and there.. hopefully all goes well, I wonder if anyone on here had a similar experience.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 03:04 PM
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

rob - I don't have anything new to add except I wanted to add my admiration for your willingness to stand by her.



She probably could make good headway with a counselor. Her first few sessions might need to be joint sessions with you until she's ready to open up.

I am watching some of my kids' high school classmates go through this - sometimes girls who are sexually active at such a young age think that's what "value" they have. It is sad. I wonder if your wife fell into that mindset, since she uses sex as a means to control men.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 04:05 PM
rob1984 rob1984 is offline
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

hey, you may just be right.. but I am certain there is something wrong with her, She asked me to go with her for her first session when it comes up and after that I'm sure she will go at it alone.. I'll do what I can to help my wife.. just hope this does not get repeated.. people deserve second chances.
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Old January 14th, 2013, 05:20 PM
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Re: some insight for my wife.. on my wife

There most likely is "something wrong" with your wife. Hopefully she will be willing to delve into that through counseling. It's good that you accompany her as often as she is willing to have you there. It might help you to understand her perspective.

Does she know that more cheating is a deal breaker for you?
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